How Long Have You Been in Your Bedroom?

Just a random post before bedtime and before I start cracking those books open because of finals. I just can't help it. I just have this... urge to write. Take note that this is a one-shot and this is straight from my mind to the keyboard.

-^-

She didn't know how she got there. In fact, she didn't even know what day it was. The only thing she knew, this judging by the way the sun was shining through the windows, was that it was morning.


She was sitting at white-table clothed table which was groaning under dishes that she instantly recognized as her favorites for breakfast. There was stacks of pancakes with a huge jar of maple syrup next to it. Fresh strawberries and blueberries sat in a bowl next to a dish of light cream. There was also a mushroom and cheese omelet.


"Are you okay?" A voice asked her. She looked up and a look of shock graced her face. She hadn't expected to see her best friends there. All of them. It almost seemed...impossible.

"Gosh woman, you look like you've seen a ghost. C'mon. Let's have breakfast and then we'll send you home."


"Home?" She echoed. "I don't... I don't live here?"
Her friends laughed. 


"Seriously? Did you bang your head on something? Of course you don't live here. You live at your house. This is my house." One of her best friend's said. 


-*-


It was a long breakfast, filled with laughter and chatter. Suddenly she felt at ease, it had been such a long time since she had spent quality girl time with her best friends and it felt utterly incredible to be doing so. It was like climbing back into a pair of your favorite jeans; the worn feeling of comfort just touches you right to the core. 


She sat back against the passenger seat of the car as her best friend's drove her home. Her jaw dropped slightly in awe when they pulled up at a house which was situated on a cliff. 


"I live...here?" She asked in disbelief. 


"For about 3 years now." Her best friend replied, shooting her a look of concern. "You sure you're okay? You seem pretty out of it."


All she could afford to do was nod as she slowly climbed out of the car. The rear door of the car suddenly threw open and her other best friend called out to her.
"Hey! You left your handbag in the car."


She walked in a daze back to the car to retrieve her forgotten bag and headed straight for the front door of her 'home'. She found the keys in her handbag which she noted was from an extremely expensive designer label. 


How could she afford all this?


Cautiously, she slid the key into the keyhole and turned the lock. The door unlocked with an audible and assuring click and white heavyset door gave entrance to the luxury inside that she was clearly not prepared for. She felt her heart did summersaults in her rib cage as she stepped into a world of wonder.


The living room was a miss match of things. The walls were painted apple green and the sofa was a summery worn yellow color. There were several bright colored bean bag chairs and a dark colored coffee table which seemed to have rings from mugs all over it. The LCD screen TV hung on the wall and there were several cheerful green plants in the corner of the house. A large glass dining table stood not too far from the living room, with black plastic chairs that was decorated with colorful pillow cushions. A large mirror that was edged with stained glass in shades of summer (orange, red, pink, gold, yellow hues) hung parallel to the dining table. 


But the thing that caught her attention the most was the shelves and shelves and shelves of books that dominated every other space of the living/dining room. She approached the shelves in wonder and pulled a story book out at random. Her hand suddenly started to tremble as she caught sight of the name of the author. It was her name.


But how could that be?


She glanced at framed pictures that dominated the top shelf of the bookcase and realized that one of them was her PhD certificate in Genetic Engineering. In another frame, it was a picture of her wedding day. With...of course...Who else could it be?


She smiled to herself, the book in her hand which had her name on it was long forgotten as she reached up and traced her husband's picture with her finger. She was about to explore the rest of the house when something else caught her attention. 


It was sitting on top of the dining table with a red velvet ribbon tied around it. She placed the story book back onto the shelf and walked towards the dining table picking up the small present. It was simple and sleek black leather bound book with a note tucked under the velvet ribbon.


'Go and do the thing you love most. I love you.'


She undid the ribbon and opened the book, feeling the smooth empty pages with her fingers and felt a warm tingle run down her spine. Instantly, she knew what she was supposed to do with the book.


-*-


It was a beautiful day outside and from her vantage point of the garden balcony that overlooked the sea, she could take in the seaside glory for all it was worth. She sat in the gazebo, surrounded by colorful flowers of all types. There were orchids of every color, bright summery yellow sunflowers, fiercely red hibiscus and even soft purple lavenders. 


The sea breeze caressed her cheeks gently as the leather bound book laid on her lap, already half-filled with ideas for her upcoming book. She wrote and wrote and wrote until the bright blue skies was slowly tinged with purple, orange and red from the sunset. 


She heard the sound of the gravel crunching from her front porch and a few moments later, the sound of the door unlocking itself.


"Sweetheart?" His voice called out to her. She quickly closed the book she had been writing in and eagerly ran into the house; straight into the arms of her husband.


-*-


That night, they cooked dinner together. It was a simple dish, but they had fun as they helped each other out and giggled over the spilled sauces. He idly chatted about his day and asked about hers with interest. 


They ate together and then cuddled together in front of the television while they watched a movie. Movie night was something of a special thing for them and she couldn't have felt more contented with her life as she laid in her husband's arms; listening to the steady beats of his heart.


Her eyes were feeling heavy and her husband's fingers tenderly stroking her hair made her feel so at peace...and so...so...tired. Within her husband's embrace, she slowly dropped off into slumber.


~*~


Quick, gasping breaths as she shot out of bed, hair all messed up. She glanced around and realized with a jolt that she was back in her dorm room where the walls were peppered with posters and random study notes and the floor was a mixture of books and stationary. 


It was just a dream. All of that...Was just a dream. She realized with a little sadness. Just then she realized that she was clasping something tightly in her right hand and she glanced down at it. 


Her throat tightened as she felt shame wash through her in waves as her eyes read what the container in her hand contained; sleeping pills. 


Biting down hard onto her lower lip for a couple of moments, she thought of the dream she just had. With a small smile, she swung herself out of bed and headed out of her room to get a shower and threw the container filled with sleeping pills into the wastepaper basket on her way out.

-^- 

There. Hope you guys liked it. I'm sorry if there were some grammatical errors. As I had mentioned, this is a one-shot and a very first draft. Straight from the depths of my imagination and into my blog.

Cheers.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

I Never Did What You Said That I Did

I kind of don't know how my life in INTEC would be if its not for these two angels. Of course there's another one but I don't have a picture of all three of 'em together. =/ 


Anyway, these three girls... Well they're always there for me whenever I'm feeling sad/depressed which happens a lot in INTEC. The workload of the Spring Semester is slowly killing each of us one by one and although the university acceptance letters do somewhat lift the spirit; it's  brought back down to reality by the idea of our CGPA and sponsors.

Yes, that is Hani, my darling roommate. Sprawled on the floor. And sleeping.


We've came up with a theory that if you don't sleep on the floor, worn out from exhaustion, you aren't doing enough amount of work. Because this is an everyday occurrence for the two of us. We just can't give a damn about getting into bed because heck, it's too far. There are nights when we won't get a wink of sleep, working away on our respective laptops and getting things done.

Before you, my dear readers, start judging and saying things like, "Oh, I'm sure you'd have enough time to sleep if you didn't procrastinate so much."
Its not that. Even if we don't procrastinate. There's just too many things to get done before 3am rolls around.


This is also another ordinary view of my work space. Sometimes I'd move around the apartment, maybe sprawled on the floor of mine and Hani's bedroom. Maybe sitting in the living room and randomly singing to myself in order to keep myself awake. 


I know even now, I shouldn't be writing in my blog. But as Carmen had claimed in her blog, writing gives this therapeutic thing... Which can't be replaced. Every time the weekend rolls around I promise to myself that I'd do all the leftover work that I can't seem to finish (in this case it would be my research paper and studying for a Biology test) but there's something about being at home that makes my promise waver and disintegrate. 


And I know I'm not the only one.
Based on the tweets from my fellow ADFP-ians who managed to be at home this weekend, even they seem to be having a hard time concentrating on what needs to be done.
After getting a cumulative amount of less than 12 hours of sleep in the last week (you're supposed to get 30 hours of sleep from Monday to Friday)... My bed feels like heaven. And after the grueling pre-calculus test from 8.00pm until 9.30pm... By the time I reached my house, I practically flopped onto my bed and literally passed out.


When I awoke 12 hours later I found out that my bedroom lights were still on, I was lying on top of the bed covers. Thankfully I had managed to change into my jammies before comatose had hit me. But it just goes to show... Sleep is a powerful force.


Anyway, my research paper is somewhat driving me up the wall. In-text citation is so confusing and it doesn't help that most of the Edgar Allan Poe websites do not have a specific author so my sources seem weak. =__=


This is not good. 


As much as I am trying to concentrate on the ever growing pile of assignments, I can't help but let my mind wander to the other two problems which seem to be a constant in my life.


Yes, that does sound dramatic. I'm aware of it. But I just can't help it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm barely 19 or am I already 40. Some might say that my maturity level isn't quite up to par as compared to a 40 year old but I beg to differ.


There are some things that... I just don't agree with.


But of course, since I am in the body of a 19 year old. Would anyone believe me?


*sighs*


To write love on her arms,
Tash.  

I'll Pretend My Ship's Not Sinking

It's been a while, I know.
I apologize.


Lately life has revolved around, trying to make my grades... Trying my best to pretend everything in life is just dandy...


In some ways, I think I managed it. In some ways, I think I even fooled myself in thinking that I've managed to come to this equilibrium in which nothing hurts anymore. That if I just get through each day methodically, I'd be able to survive.


Then one day, one day, I'd be able to be with you.


Then something happens to destroy everything.
Of course its only inevitable. You, the Prince of Gold... The sunshine and light. One who can do no wrong.


And what am I?
Nothing but street puddle down a dark and murky alleyway.

No?


I tell myself I'm worth more than that... I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm strong.
Then... Then I see her...
Her watchful eyes, judging every move I make. 


And everything just crumbles again.
Every little hope I had saved within the depths of my soul...
Everything just evaporates...


All at once, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
Do you care?
Does anyone?


Does it matter that on the outside, I'm smiling and pretending that we're just friends when inside all I want to do is cling to you?


I don't know what to say anymore.
I don't think there is anything left to say.
Sometimes... 


I wish I'd just die.
Get hit by a car and just let the higher force take me away.


Better than this.
Better than being judge.
Better than being scrutinized with every move I make.


But no...
No...
Somehow I have to stay strong.
Somehow I'll find a way.
Somehow I'll survive this mess.


Battered and bruise.
But what does it matter right?
What does anything to matter to her?


I'm not her child. Why would she care if it hurts me?
Why would she care if she stops my happiness?
Why would she ever care about me?


I'll stay strong.
I promise you this my readers.
I won't jump off the ledge.
I'll hang on...


I hope  I will.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Every Time You Call For Some Sympathy, Make It Worth My Time.

Yes.
I have done wrong.
Yes.
I hurt you.
Yes.
I don't think I deserve to live on this planet anymore.


I wish, I could repeat to that moment in time and not do the things that I've done. Better yet, I wish I could go back to the days when we first started out in college together and live in that moment forever.

Those last carefree moments when you didn't have to worry about going against the rules and I had at least some scrape of self-respect for myself again.

I miss those times when we would flirt casually but there was always and underlying meaning to the things we say, the looks we shared.

Now everything is just thrown up into the air and instead of having the pieces fall back down to the ground, they just soar higher and higher until we've lost track of them.

I don't expect you to forget.
I have never ignored you for more than a day. I just cannot bring myself to. I break down and ignore my own resolution and end up calling you.
Only to be rejected once more.


God, I'm so messed up.
But you see, right now I feel like I can't even say that to you. Because you'd counter with some other statement and prove that you are more messed up than me.

You probably are.
But how does that cancel out the fact that I am messed up too?
I feel so guilty whenever I look at you, I feel like I killed off your family or something.

Gah.
I've already broken my resolution of being less emo. And I thought that by coming here, I'd be able to express all my thoughts and not feel like I want to scream until my throat is sore.
Not feel like I want to cry until blood falls from my eyes.

But...
I feel like that.
So much so I think I'm going to explode.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Give Me a Freaky Boy

Alrighty then, since apparently Twitter doesn't work as well in the INTEC library as it does in my new class at Jackson. I suppose I shall update this little page of thoughts of mine.


Anyway, it's a pretty good feeling to see everyone again after the two months break. Especially those peeps that I haven't been able to see because they don't venture into KL/Subang area that often. 


Day 2 of the year was pretty stressful. Considering how I didn't pay the registration fee earlier so I had to run around like a headless chicken trying to get everything done in the morning. Lesson learnt: Do not pay registration fees late.

Another valuable piece of advice.
Do read the seemingly 'general' letters that INTEC sends you because with INTEC its never general. 

We went out to Sunway Pyramid that night though. We being, most of the ex-Austinites and some other stowaways. Though I was particularly annoyed with one, it was pretty appropriate that I didn't spend most of my time with him or I'd have gone insane. Or rather, I'd have screamed in his face. Whichever came first. 


It turned out to be a girl's night at the movie so we decided to watch Jack and Jill. Adam Sandler can do a pretty good impression of a girl. Not that he's a particularly pretty girl but ah, what the heck. After watching that movie, Elsheba couldn't help notice all the twins that were walking around Pyramid.


Got home just in time before curfew, but we were all so wiped out we just crawled into  bed with a happy conscience that class would only begin at 2.00pm the next day.
Or so we thought.


So there I was, all pumped out to study 'Introduction to Biology' in college and hyped thanks to all the tea I had that morning when lo and behold, our lecturer didn't even know she had class with us on that day. In retrospect, it was pretty hilarious considering how the eighteen of us were sitting in class for like an hour, waiting for her to show up.


Meanwhile, the other classes were either already done with their classes (ice breaking since it was the first day, go figure) or their lecturers called them earlier to say that class was cancelled. And so, my fellow Jacksonites (Jacksonians? Jacksonese? Still trying to figure out the term) and I were having a pretty le sigh moment. 


Oh wells. All in all, it was a pretty wasted day, study-wise but the two hours dinner with friends made up for it.
Reminds me of why I love college so much.
It's so different compared to when I was in MRSM. I mean, to be frank, I fit in here, in a way. Whereas in MRSM, I used to feel like a cultural outcast not only 'cause I entered MRSM at the grand old age of 16 while everyone else had been there since they were 13 but also the fact that we barely spoke the same language made it that much harder.


Though I cannot deny, I did have my fun and I did made some pretty awesome friends that I wish I can meet up with for dinner every now and again. I love my friends here in INTEC too. And rejoining with them after the long break just highlights the fact. 


Now, I'm sitting in the INTEC library or what is known as the North Pole of INTEC and shivering in spite of the long sleeved trench coat over a T-shirt combo that I opted to wear to class today. But then again, the air-conditioning isn't this strong in class so hopefully my teeth wouldn't chatter so much during Speech Communication later.


Yep, class is at 10am. So I've still got time to kill. If anyone needs me, I'll be curled up on my chair and reading The Complete Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe.


Le toodles.

A tribute to the fact that I don't have my broadband with me.


To write love on her arms,
Tash

I'm Staring Down the Barrel of a Loaded Night

Okay, couldn't resist but to start this early. I think it was thanks to reading Carmen's blog that I just felt the urge to...blog.
Lol. So thanks Carmen!

New Year's (2012) Resolutions

1. Get results like Ben Campbell from the movie '21'. I realized a flaw in my initial version of this resolution just a while ago when I said I wanted to be more like Ben Campbell. The thing about Ben is that he's a genius. The kind that can jet off to Vegas and spend the night counting cards and yet still make the grades. So instead of being more like him, I just want his results. 

2. Spend more time in the library/Akasia studying. A continuation from the first resolution perhaps but in order for me to achieve the first one, I need to do something about it first. And that means no more staying out late for random coffee breaks at Old Town White Coffee and spending weekends at home. From now on, weekends are spent in college! Unless absolutely forced to go home. Har har har.

3. Exercise whenever possible. This means spending more time at the park beside Akasia and jogging. No more flat tyres and flabby chicken wings! 

4. Take better care of myself. I bought the Breakfast Scrub by Soap and Glory for a reason. I need to start taking care of myself. I've been a very bad version of myself for these past couple of months and I'm over that. I'm sick and tired of being that depressed emo kid. So I'm bidding goodbye to that version of myself and settling into this one. A version with more confidence and a 'who-gives-a-flying-Facebook' attitude. Not that I'm not allowed to whine in my blog every once and a while, si? 

5. Spend Christmas with Baizura in London. Or maybe New Years? Yes people, hopefully this time next year I'd be all settled in the States, living out the epitome of my childhood dreams. I've always wanted to study overseas and I'm just on the verge of it. So  this is it. No more playing around! Anyway, if I'm already there. I can just jump on a flight to spend my holidays with Bai. (;

Alright. I think that's it for resolutions. Not going to make too many or I'm going to read this a year from now and just feel disappointed. Instead, I'm going to keep it short and sweet and cross my fingers that I'd at least be able to achieve all of them.

Moving on with the roll call.
Myra.Girl, we've been best friends since form 2. We had our differences especially in form 3 but in retrospect... I would do it all over again. 2011 has been pretty tough on us, what with college and not being able to see each other as much as we hoped to. But it's all good. Good luck for your finals. You're going to ace it. And I better see your butt overseas when you do your Masters. Lol. Thanks for being there for me buddy. 

Sash.
I was so happy when you said that you got a place in UiTM Dungun. And God, even though I miss you like crazy I am totally one hundred percent supporting you back here in Selangor. LOL. We've had our fun in 2011. And we're going to have even more fun in 2012. Thanks Sash, for everything.

Bai.
OHMYGOD I MISS YOU! I remember the times we spent in tuition, complaining about high school and how we can't wait for college. But of course, everything comes back and bites us in the ass when we're actually in college and suffering through coursework and assignments. The thing I love about you is that, despite the distance... When you come back, it's like you never left. And we can pick up right where we left off. And I guess that's the reason why we're best friends. The four of us. Me, you, Sash and Mye. God I love you all so much. I don't know where I'd be without the three of you. With you guys by my side, no matter what shit I go through... I know I can make it through. (;


Syauqi.
We've had our ups and downs. 2011 has been... pretty rough for the both of us. So I'm hoping 2012 we could start fresh. Burn the old bridge and just continue to the next chapter. What do you say?

Hani.
My darling roommate. I was worried that I was going to get the roommate from Hell but I guess God decided that I had enough of that in the year of MRSM so He decided that you're going to be my new roommate. We get along pretty well and I love your randomness and your ability to make me laugh at the most mundane of things. I can't wait to see you on the 2nd. Lol. And cheers to an epic year!

Carmen.
You always have the best advice. You manage to keep a cool and calm demeanor no matter how stressed out you are and I can't be thankful enough to have a classmate like you. You're amazing and proof that an Arts student can in fact, make it in the Science student world. 

Arsyad.
Ohmygod, the times I spent in your car. With you driving back and forth and getting lost in Cyberjaya. Thanks for listening to me whenever I'm down and spending time to merepek with me about everything. Your sarcasm never fails to make me smile. Thanks buddy. 

Chern Wei.
My 'Dad-Mom'. Hahaha. You listen to me whenever I'm in a mood. And you seem to understand me even though we've known each other for three months plus. You are an awesome debater and I hate to be the person sitting across the room from you. 


Luqman.
My 'Dad'. Nyahahaha. Your iPhone has been vital to all the Austin pictures randomly posted on Facebook and of course you seem to know how to organize outings better than me. o.o
So props to that!


Matthew.
Second sem is going to be totally empty without listening to the word SADAM every now and again. Ahahahaha. Nevermind! One random night, we can totally spend it in McD's with Carmen, Hani and Marcus all over again. Ehehehe...


Marcus.
Eh where to begin... We seem to have random conversations about random stuff. And I need to get you a bottle of lotion for your birthday. *coughcough* (;


Sharrif.
So many things to say. None of them sufficient. All of them conveying the same message.


To the rest of the Austinites because I've lost steam in writing each and everyone of you. LOL.You guys are awesome. I never thought I'd love my classmates as much as I love you guys and second semester is going to thoroughly suck since we're not all together anymore. But that doesn't stop us from having dinners at least every forth night right?
Or at least until our assignments decided to shoot us in the head execution style.


To my readers.
Thanks for reading and keeping the statistics on this blog moving. I know I haven't been an avid blogger for these past couple of months. I guess emotionally, I've been pretty unstable for the last few months of 2011. I'm hoping to change that. I really am. 


Last but not least...

If only it was that simple kan?
But its okay. I'll keep on trying. The emo kid might resurface quite a number of times. But I'm trying to hold her in place. 


To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Only Shooting Stars Break the Mould

So everyone is moving forwards and getting prepared for the year to come. I guess you could say that I'm equally as excited due to the fact that I've made some New Year's resolutions which I intend to keep (and would be post in the later post). However this post is mostly about the memories I had in 2011. The fond ones that I am going to remember for quite some time. (;


First up, National Service.

It was an experience alright. What with the grueling training we had to endure every day. Waking up at 4am in the morning to get an ice-cold shower and then run around the lake wearing our big black boots. But I have to admit, I met some pretty nice people there. And of course the dancing was great too. Hahaha.

Earth Day 2011.
It was spent with Myra at my Grandma's place where we had a BBQ and turned the lights off. We had the yummiest strawberry pavlova from Alexis. 

Laser tag with my best friends.
Bai was going to leave for the UK soon so we decided to have one last hurrah before she did. I think I nearly passed out after the ten minutes. It showed how unfit I was. And probably still am. LOL.

Preparing for 'Parade' for IN-PRO @ INTEC.
We spent every possible free hour practicing.
I remember days, sitting excited in class because I was finally doing what I loved doing.
Dancing. (:
Although we practiced until late at night on some days, the dinner experience together was amazing. And I loved the fact that a lot of us bonded over the course of the practice. Though some of us might have had a couple of mood swings and tantrums, it was all pretty worth it when we won that night. 

I don't think I'll ever forget this night.
Who knew that I would find love in UiTM Shah Alam's stadium?
It was on this night that I realized my feelings for that someone. And it hit me pretty hard.

Holidays when everyone is around is awesome.
Having Bai back just calls for a celebration and the four of us had an amazing day out. Wondermilk just adds to the ambiance.

The thing I quickly realized about college is that some of our assignments aren't completely within the norm as compared to high school. Here we had to do a radio ad and my group was selling 'Grandpas'. Yup. No joke.

This is just one of the random Austin dinners we had. The thing I love about my ex-class is that we had this sort of chemistry that can't be explained. (;
Oh, not to forget we had some stowaways from other classes but it was all good. 

Raya 2011
The fact that Baizura was home made it all the better. 

When All Time Low came to Malaysia.
Myra and Sash slept over at my house for the weekend. We went right after I finished classes on Friday to KLIA just to see them. Bought a Mickey Mouse for Flyzik. All in all. It was the awesomest weekend I ever had.  

Volunteering at Zoo Negara.
And missing pre-calculus because of it.
Hahahaha.
It was a great experience and we got to bond with the sea lions. (;

The night we spent all night in McDonald's.
It was the final day of exams and we Austinites wanted to blow off steam by catching a movie in Sunway Pyramid.
Or so was the plan. Har har har.
But after some crazy mishaps and a little rain... We ended up in Midvalley instead and was enthralled by Real Steel. 


It was a little too late when the five of us finished dinner (the others had gone back earlier) and realized we were going to be late for curfew. So instead we took the chance and stayed up all night at McDonald's in section 18. We felt bad because some of the A-level students were trying to study but there we were laughing and talking aimlessly.
Can't ignore the fact that we bonded though. (; Oh Austin, how I love you guys.

Well, that caps off some of the highlights of my 2011.
Next post: New Year's Resolutions and my thank yous roll call.
Stay tuned. (;


To write love on her arms,
Tash.