What It Takes To Fall

Every Time You Call For Some Sympathy, Make It Worth My Time.

2012-01-12T13:14:00.002+08:00

Yes.
I have done wrong.
Yes.
I hurt you.
Yes.
I don't think I deserve to live on this planet anymore.

I wish, I could repeat to that moment in time and not do the things that I've done. Better yet, I wish I could go back to the days when we first started out in college together and live in that moment forever.

Those last carefree moments when you didn't have to worry about going against the rules and I had at least some scrape of self-respect for myself again.

I miss those times when we would flirt casually but there was always and underlying meaning to the things we say, the looks we shared.

Now everything is just thrown up into the air and instead of having the pieces fall back down to the ground, they just soar higher and higher until we've lost track of them.

I don't expect you to forget.
I have never ignored you for more than a day. I just cannot bring myself to. I break down and ignore my own resolution and end up calling you.
Only to be rejected once more.

God, I'm so messed up.
But you see, right now I feel like I can't even say that to you. Because you'd counter with some other statement and prove that you are more messed up than me.

You probably are.
But how does that cancel out the fact that I am messed up too?
I feel so guilty whenever I look at you, I feel like I killed off your family or something.

Gah.
I've already broken my resolution of being less emo. And I thought that by coming here, I'd be able to express all my thoughts and not feel like I want to scream until my throat is sore.
Not feel like I want to cry until blood falls from my eyes.

But...
I feel like that.
So much so I think I'm going to explode.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Give Me a Freaky Boy

2012-01-05T09:16:00.001+08:00

Alrighty then, since apparently Twitter doesn't work as well in the INTEC library as it does in my new class at Jackson. I suppose I shall update this little page of thoughts of mine.

Anyway, it's a pretty good feeling to see everyone again after the two months break. Especially those peeps that I haven't been able to see because they don't venture into KL/Subang area that often.

Day 2 of the year was pretty stressful. Considering how I didn't pay the registration fee earlier so I had to run around like a headless chicken trying to get everything done in the morning. Lesson learnt: Do not pay registration fees late.

Another valuable piece of advice.
Do read the seemingly 'general' letters that INTEC sends you because with INTEC its never general.

We went out to Sunway Pyramid that night though. We being, most of the ex-Austinites and some other stowaways. Though I was particularly annoyed with one, it was pretty appropriate that I didn't spend most of my time with him or I'd have gone insane. Or rather, I'd have screamed in his face. Whichever came first.

It turned out to be a girl's night at the movie so we decided to watch Jack and Jill. Adam Sandler can do a pretty good impression of a girl. Not that he's a particularly pretty girl but ah, what the heck. After watching that movie, Elsheba couldn't help notice all the twins that were walking around Pyramid.

Got home just in time before curfew, but we were all so wiped out we just crawled into bed with a happy conscience that class would only begin at 2.00pm the next day.
Or so we thought.

So there I was, all pumped out to study 'Introduction to Biology' in college and hyped thanks to all the tea I had that morning when lo and behold, our lecturer didn't even know she had class with us on that day. In retrospect, it was pretty hilarious considering how the eighteen of us were sitting in class for like an hour, waiting for her to show up.

Meanwhile, the other classes were either already done with their classes (ice breaking since it was the first day, go figure) or their lecturers called them earlier to say that class was cancelled. And so, my fellow Jacksonites (Jacksonians? Jacksonese? Still trying to figure out the term) and I were having a pretty le sigh moment.

Oh wells. All in all, it was a pretty wasted day, study-wise but the two hours dinner with friends made up for it.
Reminds me of why I love college so much.
It's so different compared to when I was in MRSM. I mean, to be frank, I fit in here, in a way. Whereas in MRSM, I used to feel like a cultural outcast not only 'cause I entered MRSM at the grand old age of 16 while everyone else had been there since they were 13 but also the fact that we barely spoke the same language made it that much harder.

Though I cannot deny, I did have my fun and I did made some pretty awesome friends that I wish I can meet up with for dinner every now and again. I love my friends here in INTEC too. And rejoining with them after the long break just highlights the fact.

Now, I'm sitting in the INTEC library or what is known as the North Pole of INTEC and shivering in spite of the long sleeved trench coat over a T-shirt combo that I opted to wear to class today. But then again, the air-conditioning isn't this strong in class so hopefully my teeth wouldn't chatter so much during Speech Communication later.

Yep, class is at 10am. So I've still got time to kill. If anyone needs me, I'll be curled up on my chair and reading The Complete Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe.

Le toodles.

A tribute to the fact that I don't have my broadband with me.

To write love on her arms,
Tash

I'm Staring Down the Barrel of a Loaded Night

2011-12-31T17:59:00.000+08:00

Okay, couldn't resist but to start this early. I think it was thanks to reading Carmen's blog that I just felt the urge to...blog.
Lol. So thanks Carmen!

New Year's (2012) Resolutions

1. Get results like Ben Campbell from the movie '21'. I realized a flaw in my initial version of this resolution just a while ago when I said I wanted to be more like Ben Campbell. The thing about Ben is that he's a genius. The kind that can jet off to Vegas and spend the night counting cards and yet still make the grades. So instead of being more like him, I just want his results.

2. Spend more time in the library/Akasia studying. A continuation from the first resolution perhaps but in order for me to achieve the first one, I need to do something about it first. And that means no more staying out late for random coffee breaks at Old Town White Coffee and spending weekends at home. From now on, weekends are spent in college! Unless absolutely forced to go home. Har har har.

3. Exercise whenever possible. This means spending more time at the park beside Akasia and jogging. No more flat tyres and flabby chicken wings!

4. Take better care of myself. I bought the Breakfast Scrub by Soap and Glory for a reason. I need to start taking care of myself. I've been a very bad version of myself for these past couple of months and I'm over that. I'm sick and tired of being that depressed emo kid. So I'm bidding goodbye to that version of myself and settling into this one. A version with more confidence and a 'who-gives-a-flying-Facebook' attitude. Not that I'm not allowed to whine in my blog every once and a while, si?

5. Spend Christmas with Baizura in London. Or maybe New Years? Yes people, hopefully this time next year I'd be all settled in the States, living out the epitome of my childhood dreams. I've always wanted to study overseas and I'm just on the verge of it. So this is it. No more playing around! Anyway, if I'm already there. I can just jump on a flight to spend my holidays with Bai. (;

Alright. I think that's it for resolutions. Not going to make too many or I'm going to read this a year from now and just feel disappointed. Instead, I'm going to keep it short and sweet and cross my fingers that I'd at least be able to achieve all of them.

Moving on with the roll call.
Myra.Girl, we've been best friends since form 2. We had our differences especially in form 3 but in retrospect... I would do it all over again. 2011 has been pretty tough on us, what with college and not being able to see each other as much as we hoped to. But it's all good. Good luck for your finals. You're going to ace it. And I better see your butt overseas when you do your Masters. Lol. Thanks for being there for me buddy.

Sash.
I was so happy when you said that you got a place in UiTM Dungun. And God, even though I miss you like crazy I am totally one hundred percent supporting you back here in Selangor. LOL. We've had our fun in 2011. And we're going to have even more fun in 2012. Thanks Sash, for everything.

Bai.
OHMYGOD I MISS YOU! I remember the times we spent in tuition, complaining about high school and how we can't wait for college. But of course, everything comes back and bites us in the ass when we're actually in college and suffering through coursework and assignments. The thing I love about you is that, despite the distance... When you come back, it's like you never left. And we can pick up right where we left off. And I guess that's the reason why we're best friends. The four of us. Me, you, Sash and Mye. God I love you all so much. I don't know where I'd be without the three of you. With you guys by my side, no matter what shit I go through... I know I can make it through. (;

Syauqi.
We've had our ups and downs. 2011 has been... pretty rough for the both of us. So I'm hoping 2012 we could start fresh. Burn the old bridge and just continue to the next chapter. What do you say?

Hani.
My darling roommate. I was worried that I was going to get the roommate from Hell but I guess God decided that I had enough of that in the year of MRSM so He decided that you're going to be my new roommate. We get along pretty well and I love your randomness and your ability to make me laugh at the most mundane of things. I can't wait to see you on the 2nd. Lol. And cheers to an epic year!

Carmen.
You always have the best advice. You manage to keep a cool and calm demeanor no matter how stressed out you are and I can't be thankful enough to have a classmate like you. You're amazing and proof that an Arts student can in fact, make it in the Science student world.

Arsyad.
Ohmygod, the times I spent in your car. With you driving back and forth and getting lost in Cyberjaya. Thanks for listening to me whenever I'm down and spending time to merepek with me about everything. Your sarcasm never fails to make me smile. Thanks buddy.

Chern Wei.
My 'Dad-Mom'. Hahaha. You listen to me whenever I'm in a mood. And you seem to understand me even though we've known each other for three months plus. You are an awesome debater and I hate to be the person sitting across the room from you.

Luqman.
My 'Dad'. Nyahahaha. Your iPhone has been vital to all the Austin pictures randomly posted on Facebook and of course you seem to know how to organize outings better than me. o.o
So props to that!

Matthew.
Second sem is going to be totally empty without listening to the word SADAM every now and again. Ahahahaha. Nevermind! One random night, we can totally spend it in McD's with Carmen, Hani and Marcus all over again. Ehehehe...

Marcus.
Eh where to begin... We seem to have random conversations about random stuff. And I need to get you a bottle of lotion for your birthday. *coughcough* (;

Sharrif.
So many things to say. None of them sufficient. All of them conveying the same message.

To the rest of the Austinites because I've lost steam in writing each and everyone of you. LOL.You guys are awesome. I never thought I'd love my classmates as much as I love you guys and second semester is going to thoroughly suck since we're not all together anymore. But that doesn't stop us from having dinners at least every forth night right?
Or at least until our assignments decided to shoot us in the head execution style.

To my readers.
Thanks for reading and keeping the statistics on this blog moving. I know I haven't been an avid blogger for these past couple of months. I guess emotionally, I've been pretty unstable for the last few months of 2011. I'm hoping to change that. I really am.

Last but not least...

If only it was that simple kan?
But its okay. I'll keep on trying. The emo kid might resurface quite a number of times. But I'm trying to hold her in place.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Only Shooting Stars Break the Mould

2011-12-31T14:30:00.000+08:00

So everyone is moving forwards and getting prepared for the year to come. I guess you could say that I'm equally as excited due to the fact that I've made some New Year's resolutions which I intend to keep (and would be post in the later post). However this post is mostly about the memories I had in 2011. The fond ones that I am going to remember for quite some time. (;

First up, National Service.

It was an experience alright. What with the grueling training we had to endure every day. Waking up at 4am in the morning to get an ice-cold shower and then run around the lake wearing our big black boots. But I have to admit, I met some pretty nice people there. And of course the dancing was great too. Hahaha.

Earth Day 2011.
It was spent with Myra at my Grandma's place where we had a BBQ and turned the lights off. We had the yummiest strawberry pavlova from Alexis.

Laser tag with my best friends.
Bai was going to leave for the UK soon so we decided to have one last hurrah before she did. I think I nearly passed out after the ten minutes. It showed how unfit I was. And probably still am. LOL.

Preparing for 'Parade' for IN-PRO @ INTEC.
We spent every possible free hour practicing.
I remember days, sitting excited in class because I was finally doing what I loved doing.
Dancing. (:
Although we practiced until late at night on some days, the dinner experience together was amazing. And I loved the fact that a lot of us bonded over the course of the practice. Though some of us might have had a couple of mood swings and tantrums, it was all pretty worth it when we won that night.

I don't think I'll ever forget this night.
Who knew that I would find love in UiTM Shah Alam's stadium?
It was on this night that I realized my feelings for that someone. And it hit me pretty hard.

Holidays when everyone is around is awesome.
Having Bai back just calls for a celebration and the four of us had an amazing day out. Wondermilk just adds to the ambiance.

The thing I quickly realized about college is that some of our assignments aren't completely within the norm as compared to high school. Here we had to do a radio ad and my group was selling 'Grandpas'. Yup. No joke.

This is just one of the random Austin dinners we had. The thing I love about my ex-class is that we had this sort of chemistry that can't be explained. (;
Oh, not to forget we had some stowaways from other classes but it was all good.

Raya 2011
The fact that Baizura was home made it all the better.

When All Time Low came to Malaysia.
Myra and Sash slept over at my house for the weekend. We went right after I finished classes on Friday to KLIA just to see them. Bought a Mickey Mouse for Flyzik. All in all. It was the awesomest weekend I ever had.

Volunteering at Zoo Negara.
And missing pre-calculus because of it.
Hahahaha.
It was a great experience and we got to bond with the sea lions. (;

The night we spent all night in McDonald's.
It was the final day of exams and we Austinites wanted to blow off steam by catching a movie in Sunway Pyramid.
Or so was the plan. Har har har.
But after some crazy mishaps and a little rain... We ended up in Midvalley instead and was enthralled by Real Steel.

It was a little too late when the five of us finished dinner (the others had gone back earlier) and realized we were going to be late for curfew. So instead we took the chance and stayed up all night at McDonald's in section 18. We felt bad because some of the A-level students were trying to study but there we were laughing and talking aimlessly.
Can't ignore the fact that we bonded though. (; Oh Austin, how I love you guys.

Well, that caps off some of the highlights of my 2011.
Next post: New Year's Resolutions and my thank yous roll call.
Stay tuned. (;

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

This Pain From Missing You it's Just Too Strong

2011-12-24T15:39:00.001+08:00

Those moments when you lay awake in bed until the vampires are back in their coffins, just because you can't stop thinking.

Those moments when you see another happy couple and you feel a stab of jealousy every time and it isn't because you want to be a part of that relationship. You just wished you had someone you could do the same thing with.

Those moments when you reach out to someone only to get snubbed back. Denied for the fourth billion time.
Those moments when you put on sugary smile, brushing it off like it didn't actually hurt you.

Those moments when you cry and your pillow is drenched with your tears and you feel like you can't breathe because with every breath, comes another heart wrenching sob from the deepest corners of your heart. With every breath, the feeling of emptiness just intensifies.

Those moments when you pretend everything is okay, and you actually get on with life. But in those tender moments when you lower your public mask that you wear in front of everyone else... Those moments when you actually survey the wreckage that your heart is in. How destroyed and scarred it is. You wonder if you would ever let anyone else in ever again.

Those moments when you see the reason why your life is like this, going about their life like nothing is happening. Like she didn't stab a knife through your heart, twisted it until it tore right through the muscle and left you there to bleed. In those moments, when you just shake with anger and resentment but you can't say anything. Because its not our culture and not in our religion to do so.

Those moments when you cry alone with no one to turn to because you can't bear to tell your best friends what a wreck you've become. Because you're too proud to admit the pain that you're going through. Because you've heard every advice known to mankind you can practically write your own self-help book. But it's always easier said than done, isn't it?

Those moments when you just wish the car you're in would just crash and kill you off so that you can stop feeling anything.

Those moments when you don't understand for the life of it, why someone wouldn't like you when you've been nothing but nice to them. When you would practically lick the ground she bloody walks on. When insecurities start to flood in and you wonder if there's something so horribly wrong with yourself.

Those moments when anger, sadness and resentment just become a mess of emotions and you want to take a knife and run it down your arms just so you can watch the emotions escape from your veins. In those moments, you'd sit by the window of your bedroom with said knife in your hand and think about how your life has been reduced to one individual's unreasonable choice. One without an actual fact behind it.

Those moments when you just want to drown yourself in the bathtub of your own tears. When you just want the light to fade and to shut your eyes from this reality.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

I am Ophelia in Reverse.

2011-12-21T01:08:00.001+08:00

That moment when all you want to do is sleep and about to switch the laptop off but your blogging mojo comes back.

T_T

I can see the strings of Murphy's Law getting to me.
Oh how I miss Hani continuously saying that.

So anyway, I think its fairly obvious that I've changed the template for my blog. Definitely better than anything someone who has a blog on wordpress.com *cough* has managed with her blog. (;

Anyway, the template is inspired by one of my favorite books of all time, 'Nevermore' by Kelly Creagh. The book is the reason why I'm so obsessed with Edgar Allan Poe and the circumstances surrounding his mysterious death (not to mention that his poems are amazing. Check out 'Annabel Lee'). Another reason is because of Varen Nethers. Who is my book boyfriend.

Hahaha. I seem to be attracted to the whole emo/goth kid persona that he has with his kohl-rimmed green eyes and black longish hair as soft as feathers and that sexy silver lip ring. Yumminess on a plate!
There's also a reason as to why I've suddenly decided to use this purple colored font instead of the usual black one. But if you really want to know the reason why, I suggest you read Nevermore.

If you're a fan of the wonderful Poe, or even a fan of Sherlock Holmes for that matter and also a fan of supernatural mysteries with a touch from the Victorian era to boot, this is your kind of book.

Well other than that, the usual pressures of any ADFP student this year, regardless from which university, has been getting to me. Applications are just being a hot mess to fill out. Not to mention that I keep re-writing my Personal Statement because I'm a perfectionist like that.

Someone recently said to me how I write such long essays/stories, I could become the next Sophie Kinsella if I wanted to. The thing is, she made it seem like an insult. Funnily enough, I should've pointed out to her that J.K. Rowling who happens to dedicate her life to 'writing' is rumored to be richer than the Queen of England.
At least I have the option of becoming a writer.

Which is kinda what I've been wanting since the age of seven anyway.
However, it was nice of her to point it out. No matter how sarcastic it was.
It's enlightening to see how hard someone tries to bring you down.
Pathetic really but I guess she doesn't have anything else to do with her spare time.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

When I Woke Up Alone

2011-12-03T22:40:00.001+08:00

I think I just died inside.

Do You Know That Your Love is the Sweetest Sin?

2011-12-02T23:37:00.004+08:00

Booyah.
This meme speaks for itself but I really have the urge to write here while my friends are either busy delving through their SAT II books or getting their much needed rest before the exam.

Apparently I'm an anomaly.

Anyways, I just felt the need to justify myself for whatever stupid reason. After careful observation these couple of months, I've concluded on how awkward and snobbish I seem to become when I'm either a) nervous b) don't know what to say c) afraid.

When I'm nervous, I start to fidget, not in an obvious manner. I'd just stat criss-crossing my fingers together. Then I'd have this spaced-out look on my face and I'd stare into the distance, not saying anything and trying my best to not talk to anyone.

It also happens when I don't know what to say.
In this case, the fact that I don't talk much is even more obvious. I'd be lost in another dimension, trying desperately of a way to get back to Earth. I'd try my best to insert myself into the conversation but everything I come up with is almost always stupid and/or shallow. So I'd rather not say anything. Which instead of coming out as shy, it translates to other people that I am apparently snobbish and/or have a hidden agenda up my sleeve.

Lastly, when I'm afraid.
I think this requires an explanation. Since I was a child, I have always had a fear of public humiliation. I get scared to death whenever I had to make an impromptu speech (which wasn't often, thank God!) and I'd stutter and stammer when forced to. I'd blush and feel like the world has suddenly gone black after the whole ordeal is over. Its the same thing with conversations.

Sometimes, I try super hard to impress this person I'm with. But whilst trying to figure out something that sounds remotely intellectual, I end up not saying anything at all until the conversation is over (usually there'd be other people too, it wouldn't be a 'conversation' otherwise, right?). Sometimes, I'm thinking of a topic to broach this person with... Something that we can bond over. Alas, I come up with nothing.

Its a wonder how this happens to me. I highly doubt that I'm the only one in the universe to experience this but... I'm just wondering.
How is it that with certain people, I can talk about the randomest of things and still be okay with it?

Let's take Emillio for example. From what I initially thought was going to be a ten minutes conversation at 11 something at night... We ended up talking right until 4am.

Then there's this someone... Who try as I might to strike up a conversation with....
I end up not saying anything at all.

Is it because I'm trying too hard?
Or maybe I'm just afraid because whatever I say will be judged and used against me somehow, someway?

But when I don't think about it, nothing comes to my mind still. It's like... When I'm around that someone, my mind goes blank and I come off looking not only like a complete idiot but also a person with a hidden agenda.

Le sigh.

Another fear of mine.

I've always been a romantic. I listen to diabetic-inducing songs all night, read stories that make me cry and watch movies that almost always has something to do with romance (although I'm not such a big fan about the whole Twilight movie thing, the books are pretty good. Though I don't believe that there is an Edward Cullen out there. He's too perfect and also so fake. Its hilarious. Stephanie Meyer, what were you thinking?).

I love him.
And even though my best friends and certain family members have told me to move on, I'm such a stubborn mule.

Because I honestly, truly believe that he is that special One.

Maybe I'm just being naive. But its my dream.
And anybody is allowed to have their own special dream, no?

Every time I see him, I feel at peace with the world.
He does complete me in that way that I just can't describe. I don't have to be with him at all times. But sometimes it feels like, I'm holding my breath when we're apart and when we're together I'm finally allowed to breathe freely.

Did that made sense?

I do acknowledge other guys. I know that there are some out there that are better looking than him. Probably with a better personality. But even though I know all that...And I have met a couple along the way...
I still want him at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, he's mine. And I would never trade him for anyone else in the world.
Yes, he has his flaws.
But so do I.

I love his flaws. From his fears to his annoying-ness. I love it all.

Hmmm... Describing all this is making me miss him more even though I just saw him today.
It was really nice though. We didn't talk much because we both were busy studying. But just having him sit across the table from me was already enough.

Its not easy to find that someone you can just sit in comfortable silence with and have a peaceful and complete feeling attached to that silence.

On that note, I just want to say that I love you.
You're amazing.
And you're going to kick ass in Physics tomorrow (today since its past midnight already).

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Fall Asleep All Alone; Hear Your Voice in the Dark.

2011-11-10T20:26:00.003+08:00

I'm beginning to realize that my life (ever since the semester holiday started), has been revolving around me showering.

I know that, that seems completely random but its true. I measure my days with the shower I take.
Another day goes by.
I take a shower.

Maybe I find this totally epic because it's the one moment when I'm not glued to my laptop or to the TV. It's that one time when I can actually take a breather and a step back from my life and analyze it.

I have always found showering, comforting. The act of cleaning oneself of the dirt and the grime - okay, I know we don't live in 19th century England, with the chimneys and the smoke, but you get my drift - is somewhat soothing.
Sometimes, I wish I could do that to my life.

I wish I could run everything under a waterfall of hot water, scrub, scrub, scrub at it with my Strawberry Body Scrub from Watsons and watch as every single bad day I've gone through...
Just disappear.
And then I'd be left with that smooth feeling of freedom.

I'd love to wash away the pain, the hurt and the grief and watch it swirl into a pool and finally down the drain of oblivion.

I hate feeling so jaded and cynical.
I'm barely eighteen for goodness sake!
I have my whole life ahead of me and *insert parental advice talk here*.

No, seriously.
I do believe that I have my whole life ahead of me.
But it begins now, doesn't it?
It starts with the choices we make now and that's when we mold it into something... fantastic.

There's something awfully therapeutic about standing under hot water and watching the water rush over you. It makes me think about what I truly want, deep down.

I want an amazing future.
Filled with memories that I'd cherish forever. Tinted photographs of the people I love. Smiles and laughter from the good times we had. Accomplishments and dreams coming true.
That's what I want.

I want to work on the Vans Warped Tour. Surrounded by musicians who play music because it means something to them and it means something to their fans. I want to be a music journalist, who gets to explore all the amazing new music that are being created every day.

I want to have those crazy, random and spontaneous moments that comes from being young and being with my best friends. I want to throw slumber parties again, stay up all night, eating pizza and watching random movies. I want to dance and sing to McFly in my pyjamas with them. I want to cook desserts and mess up the kitchen. I want to climb up a tree and hang on the branches, just because I can.

I want to love. I want to be able to love him and have him love me back. Freely. No worries. No doubts. No... Whatever it is that that threatens to break us apart. I want to hold his hand, look deep into his eyes and tell him I love him.
And I want him to say it back. Sincerely.
I want him to take me in his arms and protect me.

I close my eyes and I see him. I see my friends. I see my family. I see children. Playing kites in a meadow. I'd see them running up to me, calling me 'Mummy'.

Okay whoa. That was too fast.

But I think you get where I'm heading with all this.

Aaaaaaand....

Just like that my blogging mojo disperses.

@_@

Haha.
I guess I'll update when it does eventually decide to return. It's like trying to catch a unicorn.
T_T

On a last note.
Hope is always there.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

And a Tongue like a Nightmare that Cuts like a Blade

2011-10-23T12:34:00.004+08:00

Saying 'sorry' isn't enough.
Its not going to erase the things I said. And I admit that its my fault.
I should have just kept it inside. Let it wither away inside of me. Let it grow like a malignant growth inside of me just so that I can keep you happy.
As long as you're happy...
That was my mantra.
That was my reason to keep going.

And yet, the stubborn part of me.
The one that is still not over this...
She can't control herself.
She wanted to let you know how she feels. How she thinks that the whole world is against her.
It frustrates her that her happiness is only a couple of millimeters away but she can't have it.
She can't if she wanted to.
Like hitting a glass wall, she can see what she wants but she can never have.

And I'm so sick of crying.
Every night its the same process. I'd somehow fall asleep.
I'd wake up at 3am from a nightmare of losing you.
Then I'd try to sleep but I just can't.
Because the nightmare is so close to reality, it scares me.

How do I explain this to you without you thinking that I don't understand how you feel?
How do I tell you all this without you jumping to conclusions thinking that I'm the only one suffering?
Honey, I know you are too.
But I don't know...
I feel like you got the better end of the bargain.

Just...just listen to me okay?
Its like... No matter what happens. You'll be the okay one. The right one.
I'm the one that's been rejected. The one that isn't suitable.
The one that's not perfect enough for you.
I know, that its probably not true.
I know that my friends/parents and anyone else would call me crazy for saying something like that. Even you for that matter.
I know that I don't have some mental disorder.
But yet... If I was so perfect, why am I still being rejected?
Why am I still...not...the one...?

I'm just tired of asking that question.
Every day... I keep wondering if there's just something wrong with me.
That's so painfully obvious to everyone else around but not to me.
I wonder if I should just let you go so that you can find that perfect person.
The one who's meant for you.

The thing is...
I don't want to.
Because the truth is, I'm so irreversibly in love with you.
I don't know what the future brings.
I don't know if I'll eventually get over you.
But I don't think so.
Not completely.
I'd be living a life of regret and what if's...

I tired.
So tired of crying.
So tired of everything.
Honestly, I just want to get away from this all.
Just shoot myself and let everything be still.
I just don't want to feel anything anymore.

I'm sick of saying the wrong things to you.
Having you mad at me.
I hate that.
Do you know how much it kills me?
Knowing that you're angry at me?
Knowing that I can never be the one to comfort you?
Not properly anyway.

Can you just imagine if the roles were reversed?
Please, just try to imagine.
How'd it feel like... To be rejected like yesterday's newspaper...
Just imagine what it feels like when you have no idea what you did wrong...
But you just can't have the person you love.
And there's just this force...
Telling you no.
And you don't know the reason why.

I feel like my love for you is pure.
But maybe that's just me.
As I'm writing this, my sobs are coming out in chokes...
My heart feels like its going to explode...
My chest seems to be constricting my breathing...
Tears are rolling down like waterfalls...
And all I can think about is you.

How much I want you.
How much I love you.

I'm sick of playing around.
I'm done with those days.
All I want is to settle down.
And I want that person to be you.

You. You are my inspiration.
You. You are the reason I look forward to each day.
You. You are the air I breathe.
You. You are the beats of my heart.
You. You are the one who makes me feel like I'm complete.
You. You are the one I'm missing.
You. You are the bane of my sanity.
You. You are my strength.
You. You are the one I love.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

They Can Have the World, We'll Create Our Own.

2011-10-03T13:25:00.002+08:00

Will you be the Kovu to my Kiara?

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Love, You Take My Breath Away

2011-10-02T00:08:00.003+08:00

Walking past the statue of deities in the Chinese Buddhist Temple in Penang, among the devotees who sought for the perfect balance in their life. I felt like a fraud. Because I am the complete opposite of perfection. The complete opposite of balance.

As I continued walk, all I could see is our memories together. One after another, in a messy disarray. But one thing stands clear in all of them: Your sweet, sweet smile and your laughter.

I could live a thousand years on just the memory of your smile. And a thousand more with just the merest hint of your laughter ringing in my ears.

Oh, why do you do this to me?

It feels so ironic.
So melancholic.
That only three years ago, I was walking down these very same lanes. Touching these very same statues, but with different feelings.

Back then, I was a carefree 15 year old. Troubled only by my family arrangements.
Now I'm a jaded 18 year old. Troubled with everything from exams results to my current non-existent love life.

It feels so wrong to have been so happy three years ago, at this very same place, yet so tired and sad now. I can't even crack a smile, while the flashback of my friends from way back when appeared in my mind.

I sat on the fringes of Gurney Drive, over looking the sea, feeling the irresistible urge to just pitch myself over the edge and onto the cold, sharp rocks below. I know it isn't your fault. And I know that things would have been different if up to you.

Yet, I don't know why I can't control all this emotions welling up inside of me. Just like the sea, I felt myself going into a turmoil.The beginning of a disaster.
I can't bare to picture my life without you by my side.
Yet that space beside me is already empty.

The urge to jump in just grows stronger, and all I want to do was to swim.
Swim away from it all.
Just dive in and forget the world.
Continue swimming until my legs and arm muscles cramp up and I slowly drown in the midst of the waves.
A quiet death.

All this time, I felt like I was playing dress up.
One moment, I was the Fairy Princess.
Dressed up in a glittery cloak, complete with the diamond tiara and shimmering wand. With the golden sparkles of fairy dust, I was floating through the air. In my own little world, dancing in my ruby red shoes.

Then the text message came and everything became reality once more.
The cloak was just a green raincoat, plastic and shiny under the harsh fluorescent lights of reality. The diamond tiara and shimmering wand; made out of nothing but tinfoil. The fairy dust has lost its glamour and the brilliant red shoes had faded into a patchwork of ugliness.

I felt plain and ordinary.
What's more, I felt like I didn't measure up to expectations.
Inside of me, the little girl cried as if the pet kitten she had once cared for; the one she had once spent all night staying up to take care of because it fell ill, had died.
Hopes and dreams crashed within me, creating a tornado of sadness.

The little girl cried for justice.
But what justice was there?
Some things are just un-explainable...
This was one of it.

I fell to my knees on the grounds of the Protestant Cemetery, tears falling non-stop.
I had been looking for a place of solace.
A place of quietness.
Where everything stood still for just a moment, while I tried to grasp on to something that was already out of my reach.

I didn't care that I was dirtying the skirt of my kurung.
I just sat there, in front of Sir Francis Light's tomb, feeling the river of my love towards you hit a dam. The gates that had never been around my heart, suddenly shot up; high and foreboding.
Sealing off the mausoleum of my heart.
Of which only you hold the key to.

You say that I'm only saying this now?
In the heat of the moment?
Darling trust me, I don't think I can ever move on.

As I sat there, among the dead, I wonder why it was so hard to get that happiness?
That 'love' that everyone just so desires?
The one that I had but lost due to circumstances?

Is it not obvious how much I care for you?
Not obvious enough that I would do anything for you?

I want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I want to stop feeling this pain.
I can't.take.it.

Dear Allah,
Please give me the strength to get through this. Please guide me through this turmoil. Please, if I feel this strongly about him, please let him be The One. I am nothing but your humble servant, and it is only You who knows what's best for me. If he is The One, please Allah, please reunite us once more. And if not, please...Help me. Take this pain away.

Amin.

Dear you,
I love you.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

And Hey, Maybe I'm a Critic, A Cynic. Or Am I Jaded?

2011-09-20T20:12:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, I feel like I'm wearing a mask.
There's this girl inside of me that I know won't be accepted in our normal society known as Malaysia. INTEC even.
The kind that would scorn at the popcoredork that takes up about 90% of my being, ignoring the rules and just being... Well.. me.

Then there's the other 10%. The one religiously trying to please everyone but herself. The one that conforms to every single rule past the point of boring. It pisses me beyond belief that this little 10%, the minority in my mindset would have such control over my emotions. My act. Hellz... I wear leather shoes on Mondays because it's what I used to do in MRSM.
Its only recently that I've started to ignore this embedded habit and just prance around in my wedges, not giving a flying frying pan about someone commenting on how inappropriate they are considering that they're above 2 inches.

Hey, hey, hey...

SO WHAT?!

Just because I don't conform to your rules...
Just because I'm not the perfect Muslim girl.
It doesn't make you any better than me.
Sure, you never said the words out loud but your smug smile and condescending eyes tells otherwise.

The amazing thing is, I don't know how or even why I still have respect for someone like you. I mean, as a Muslim...
As a Muslim bound to an overseas college...
I would think you'd have a broader mindset.
I would think you'd realize that no one is as perfect as you are.
That maybe sometimes... You're the one in the wrong.

Another thing I don't get is...
Why bother?
I mean, fine. Once is enough. But twice?
Seriously.
I'm not deaf.
I'm not blind.
You don't have to add another sarcastic comment at the end of the day.

Does it make you feel superior?
It makes you feel perfect doesn't it?
The thing that pisses me off is do you even know what you're talking about?
Have you any idea the things I put myself through just because of your words?

Like a virtual slap across the face, it made me feel like I want to curl up inside myself and just...
Die.

It had a Domino effect and all my emotions just tumbled into one another, mixing...
Shaken.
Undulated.

Is that what you were aiming for?

Thank God there wasn't pre-calc this afternoon or I would have seriously cursed you into oblivion.
I can't bare to look myself in the mirror.
That 10% of me won't let me forget it.
Won't just let me win.

But the other 90% is clawing its through.
The next time you'll see me, I'll just give you that 'eat shit' smile and go about just as if nothing had ever happened.
That the exchanged never occurred and your words didn't rip apart the precious fantasy in my mind.
Because I'm starting to realize what a pathetic human being you are.
Ever heard of subtlety?

Or is that too foreign for you?
You sad little faker.
You can pretend to be all international.
All superior and wise just because you're older.
Pft.
What a steaming pile of baloney.
Sometimes I wonder if I should even continue to respect you.
But out of adat I guess I will.
Though you certainly don't deserve it.

One last say?
Stop trying to dictate the things I do. The things I say.
You're neither nor the director of my life; not even worthy of being a mere prop.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest....

Wonderful picture of the stuff on the desk as I tried to study for SAT Maths with Sharrif in the library today. Ah, the comfort of a messy desk. Just like way back when in MRSM.

His smile somehow sends me into spirals of happiness.
Its reassuring and comforting.
You know that promise that everything will be okay?
His smile embodies all that for me.
So these are my pictures for DAY 2 of Project 365.

Hahaha. The Debutante is really influencing my tastes in things right now.
Go vintage!
(:

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

You Are a Shining Example of Why I Don't Sleep At All

2011-09-19T21:34:00.004+08:00

I'm not going to even begin to tell you why I've been MIA-ing for such a long time.
Let's just say, I think I've bitten off more than I can chew in ADFP. Although it seems easy (I know some people are looking at me and thinking, "But your courses are all English this semester! With the exception of pre-calc you have nothing to worry about.")...
There seems to be a difference between the 'code-language' English that we're all used to and the English in college.
Well, English for SATs that is.

So to the good stuff...
I've been reading The Debutante by Kathleen Tessaro and I'm love, love, LOVING it.
Seriously.
I've always been a sucker for romantic scenery... Especially when it involves a mysterious house with a gorgeous view of the sea/War references/Castles dating back to the early 19th century.

I would give my left leg to live in a house with such historical value. Something that looks like it belongs right in the fields of England pre-World War II. The chiffon dresses, the air of elegance that encompasses everything...
I'm just... Blown away. Literally.

Hahaha. It's no wonder that I have this adoration for Audrey Hepburn. Ah, if only I could trapeze into INTEC wearing black elbow-length gloves, looking alluring in a LBD with the classic mother-of-pearl cigarette holder (not that I smoke, but its all about the aura and props isn't it?). People would think I've lost my mind.
Hell, I would think that the girl came dressed like Audrey Hepburn to INTEC probably watched one too many times of Breakfast at Tiffany's during the weekend. Hahaha.

Anyway, besides the alluring glamour of the debutantes... I've been slightly depressed with the progress of my blogging mojo. I never thought I'd be the one to throw in the towel and leave my blog stranded and so....
I've devised of a new way to make myself excited to blog once more.

TA-DAAAAA....!!!

Yes, I'm deciding to join in the Project 365.
I know, I know.. Its a bit late to start such an epic project like this (considering that its already September) but I don't care!
There's a reason I brought my Olympus camera to college and fudge yeah I'm going to use to. So expect random pictures of mundane things that somehow play an important role in my life or things that I just... Well find interesting.
LOL.

Ah, the symptoms of someone who hasn't blogged in such a long while. I can't seem to explain things anymore. Anyway...
Picture number one of my Project 365...

Yes, this is basically my typical Tuesday night. Lying on the floor of my shared bedroom in the student's apartment. Multi-tasking online assignments, written assignments, trying to cram in what bit of revision I can do for the SATs as well as texting.

Perhaps some of you are wondering what happened to my beloved iTash (those who are unfamiliar, its my iPhone 3GS) well... Let's just say apparently iTash is pioneering a strike against all iPhone users who drops their iPhones more than three times.
@_@

*sighs*

The things my phones go through. Thank God my laptop has had a much better fate than it.
Well, the SATs are just around the corner and I'm the unlucky bugger that has to go all the way to Penang to do my SATs in KDU College because Metropolitan College in KL is full.

jabdfobqworhbfoqwhvbohqberohbqihobroihbrs!!!!

What?
How is that...
WHAAAAT?

On the bright side, I get to have a road trip.
Especially considering that a certain someone will be going as well.
Chaperoned of course.
Hahahaha.

The only down side is I won't really get to enjoy said road trip because we'd be too busy studying.

Speaking of studying...

Hani (my roommate) is starting to give me that look. Looks I've procrastinated long enough.
(;

'Till the next picture!

To write love on her arms,
Tash

He's Been Running Through My Dreams

2011-08-23T10:58:00.003+08:00

I shall keep to myself.
I shall not speak of the pain that haunts my very core.
I shall pretend everything is alright.
I shall not let the tears fall.
I shall pretend that the smile on my face is genuine.
I shall pretend to be concentrating when of every moment, of every breath all I can think about is how this happened.
I shall pretend that I, from this night on, do not lay awake at night and hug my pillow wishing for security.
I shall pretend of every second my heart beats, I'm not dying inside.
And whenever someone asks me about it:

"I'm fine."

That was all I wanted.

Of Another Night

2011-07-28T23:11:00.002+08:00

Hey there. So totally random fiction. I was listening to the song when it just came to me. Hope you guys like it.

~*~

Summer.
The humid air glided through the streets of Pine Street, bringing along the sweet smell of lavenders from the fields nearby. Their hues of pinkish-purple stood out brightly against the yellowing grass in the summer heat.
She walked along the sidewalk, her hands dug deep into the pockets of her black cargo pants, her simple plain cotton T-shirt stuck to her back with sweat. Her long chestnut brown hair tied up in a messy bun, little strands sticking out at random angles.

From the corner of her eyes, she saw him in the driveway getting out of his car fresh from college. A brown sling bag over his shoulder and a haphazard assortment of books and papers in his arms, struggling to close the car door. He caught sight of her standing across the road, her arms casually crossed over her chest and offered her a tentative smile. A small smile graced her pale pink lips, ignoring the heat that settled on her cheeks that had nothing to do with the summer heat.
He quickly looked away, the sounds of his phone could be heard from even across the road as he fumbled around his pockets with a hand to answer it. His face turned to one of pure delight and she felt her heart lurch in her chest.
Girlfriend.

Slowly she walked away, her hands dug deep in the pockets of her cargos, her eyes cast down onto the sidewalk.

~*~

The temperature dropped somewhere in the middle of the night. She could feel the cool breeze caressing her arms as she quietly crept out of her house, crossing into the backyard and into the fields.
The sounds of her footsteps alerted him, the crunching of dried grass beneath the soles of her sneakers contrasted against the sounds of the crickets serenading the night sky. He sat silently on the flat rock that stood in the middle of the field, almost like a secret hideout that had been placed there by God for them to meet.

He heard her stop a few feet behind him, the sound of her heavy breathing made him sense how nervous she must be.
“I didn’t think you’d come.”
His voice sent a pleasant feeling through her, starting from her stomach, it curled down to her toes and gently graced upwards causing her cheeks to flush a little.
“I didn’t you’d come.” She repeated with a hint of sarcasm.

He turned around and she could see his smile faintly under the moonlight.
“Jealous?” His voice took a playful lilt.
She smirked a little, deciding against answering that question and moved towards him taking a seat on the rock.
“Hardly.” She mumbled under her breath, lying to herself.
His arm slowly wound itself around her shoulders as they sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

Above them the night sky was like velvet, punctured by hundreds and thousands of stars. The moon hung low, illuminating the field and giving it a wonderland field.
“It’s a beautiful night.” She murmured.
He nodded in agreement and ducked his head a little to nuzzle into her hair and smell the now familiar grape smelling shampoo. He detected a hint of vanilla, the subtle scent of her perfume. He smiled against her scalp, warmth settling itself in his stomach as he realized how much he wanted to be with the girl in his arms right now.
It’s so...

The gentle touch of his fingers on her skin made her stomach erupt in a thousand fluttering butterflies and made her breathings heavier.
The feel of his arms around her made her feel protected, as if he was her shield protecting her from the evil of the world.
It’s so...

It’s so wrong, it’s right.

~*~

Fall.
Golden, red and orange leaves littered the sidewalks.
She was on her daily walk, letting the cooling air slowly seep into her body as she breathed in deeply. She saw his red Chevy turn into the driveway, almost like clockwork every day since the beginning of summer when he was forced to stay in college for some research.
She stood patiently, her arms casually crossed across her chest, the hint of a smile already on her lips.

Another brunette stepped out of the car, with long fair limbs and dark beguiling eyes that she was instantly reminded of the fragile elegance of an Elf Queen. Her heart stopped beating as she saw him step out of the car as well, going over to the brunette and holding her hand sweetly in his.
Pain lashed through her body, wrecking havoc through her senses as the scene unfolded itself in front of her.
She had always known but she had always kept it away in the darkest corner of her mind.
The Pandora box of her innermost thoughts.

Looking at the brunette, she felt inadequate like she was an overly exaggerated cartoon. The brunette’s hair tumbled down in waves and curled at her shoulders while hers was a dark waterfall, the brunette’s smile was somehow more graceful than hers and even the way the brunette walked was more elegant than hers.
Tears blurred her vision but she couldn’t pull away. Couldn’t bring herself to look away...

He saw her standing on the sidewalk, guilt travelling across the planes of his face. Quickly he composed himself and smiled in her direction. He could see the way her fingers trembled as she slowly lifted a hand in half-hearted acknowledgment. Suddenly, he was brought into a kiss by Celine.
And when he looked up once more, she was gone.

~*~

That night, she laid in her bed. The tears had long since dried up, but the wound in her heart has yet to close. Every time it beats, the pain just intensifies and she feels like her whole world had been whipped out from right under her.
She had always known, she tried to reason with herself.
She had always known that this would be the ending.

She heard the heavy footsteps of her husband of two years in the hallway outside their bedroom.
Married at eighteen they had never really given the union much thought and now...
It was like she was suffocating in a glass dome. Able to see the beauty on the outside but never really possessing it.
She heard the door slowly creak open and the smell of the scent of another woman’s perfume on her husband.
She felt his arms wound around her and smelt the wine interlaced in his breath.
She shut her eyes tightly, trying to hold the pieces of her heart.

In the background, the radio played a familiar song.

‘So I've stayed up for the past few nights
And over time I have realized
That after all of the time that I gave and I gave
It never kept you awake
But it pushed me to stay right here
And wait around for you
Just wait right here
I'll be back for you
And I have lost my chance
To give this my best

You're not mine and I know it
But that night I couldn't hold it in
Because I feel just right
When you're standing next to me

I've got these perfect pictures in my head of possibility
It was the words you whispered then
They led me to believe
You led me to believe

You're not mine and I know it
But that night I couldn't hold it in
Because I feel just right
When you're standing next to me

And I've thought about this night and day
And oh, I wish that you could stay with me
And hide inside the summer heat

And I could get better
And I could give more
And I can be better than you've had before

You're not mine and I know it
But that night I couldn't hold it in
Because I feel just right
When you're standing next to me
When you're standing next to me

I've thought about this night and day
And oh, I wish that you could stay with me
And hide inside the summer heat

Green leaves to gold
(I'll wait inside the summer heat)
As autumn blows cold air outside of your window
(I'll wait inside the summer heat)’ – The Morning Light.

The Secret Things

2011-07-26T11:35:00.002+08:00

*blows the dust of my blog and looks around for the faithful readers*

I feel like Lord Voldemort. ._.

Sorry for the lateness of everything.
Yes, college has started and I'm already eyeballs up with assignments and dying under the stress of it all.

I'm going to a rough point in my life where I feel like...
I should crawl into a hole and die.

Then again, if I did, I doubt anyone would come searching for me.

God, how emo.
oshfuawhrjwjqrnpjiqweiqwenfoh!!!!

Really, I need to take a step back and get things into perspective again. I'm getting distracted and letting all sorts of irrelevant stuff take over me.

GAH.
Okay. I thought I had the blogging mojo but clearly I lost it from well...
You guessed it.
Stress.

My God. I thought SPM was killing me. This is twice the mental and *emotional* abuse.

No sleep tonight! *fist pump*
Must study for SAT practice and pre-calculus quiz!

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

I'm Gonna Party like It's My Civil Rights

2011-06-25T09:38:00.002+08:00

Doih.
You know what I hate talking about?

Politics.
Racial issues.
And anything related.

I mean c'mon... We're living in Malaysia aren't we? A country renowned for it's multi-racial culture and peace.
And yet...

We can't help but throw eggs at each other's faces, insulting each other in the newspaper and blowing up little problems into big giant size proportions.

@_@

For an 18 year old to see people older than me act like complete children, it somehow shames me to know that these people are actually leading the country.

Or any other person older than me for that matter.
What's with all the hate?

GROW UP LA.
It's 2011 not 1911. The Chinese aren't working at the lombong anymore, the Indians aren't working on the rubber estates and the Malays aren't living in the kampung and not knowing what the FREAK is going on.

So what's the deal?
You don't like Malaysia?
Don't like the way Malays are a majority?
Then GO HOME.

It's already written in the Constitution and been agreed on for such a long time. Who are we to contradict this?
I'm not saying this just because I'm Malay and I enjoy this so called 'privileges'.
I'm just saying it because I'm Malaysian.

I'm Malay.
SO WHAT?
Does this mean I'm just going to sit on my butt all day and wait for the government to give me stuff just because my race has been here for eons?

NO.
I'm not that kind of Malay and I'm actually ashamed of all those Malays who think that they should just sit on their butts and not achieve anything. Then they complain that other races are taking over the industry.
The freak?
How are you ever going to achieve anything when you sit on your butt?

Or go out, do drugs and go rempit?
Oh vanilla ice-cream... That's a whole other issue I don't want to touch or it would results in an even longer blog rant.
But honestly, WHERE ARE YOUR BRAINS?
How is taking drugs EVER a good idea?
How is REMPIT supposed to be a good way to past time?

If you can see my disbelief right now... You probably got my point.

I'm Muslim.
So what?
Am I stuffing my religion belief down your throat?

I respect whatever your race/religion is. In fact, I prefer to have friends from all sorts of races and religions. I prefer to keep an open mind. I speak English because I prefer to. Not because I look down on Bahasa Melayu.

Yet there are still Malays who like to make me feel bad because of it.

*sighs*

What is the country coming to?

To show what happens when someone tries to bring me into a political/racial discussion.

To write love on her arms,
Tash

This One Goes Out to All the Fakers. You All Know Who You Are.

2011-06-22T21:49:00.003+08:00

So uhm. The picture must've given you a couple of ideas where this post is going to swing. So if you don't want to read about me ranting on and on about how pathetic and miserable this girl has been acting towards me then...

Tough luck.

A blog is a Muggle's invention similar to that of a Pensive in Albus Dumbledore's office.

Anyway, I've been holding this in for quite a while now and frankly I've had enough.

What is wrong with you woman?
Do you get your rocks off at making me feel bad about myself?
Is your ego really that big that you need to stroke it at every single opportunity you get?

Alright, alright, alright.
I could blame this on myself.
Maybe on some levels, I'm just jealous of you.
You with your perfect scores even though I never see you work for it, unless working actually means 'sleeping all day' in the dictionary. You and your sheer skinniness you make anorexic models look healthy. God, I even think your name is prettier than mine.

You know, at little amounts. I can take it. I can kid with myself and pretend that hey, you're you. And you're entitled to your opinions and remarks.
But when you decide to use them at every single comment....

It does get repetitious.

Look, I'm not gonna name any names. Because like that old Malay saying, 'siapa makan chilli terasa pedas'. Then YEAH.

I just... I just don't get it, you know?
Wha? Are you actually jealous of me?
Because someone not as smart and amazing as you actually got a scholarship overseas?

The whole world and his grandmother knows how smart and amazing you are and how you got in early on an express foundation year.

Excuse me but do you see me running around the place wearing the American flag colours and singing 'Star Spangled Banner'?
I mean, if I had been, I wouldn't blame you for taking the piss out of me.

So the question here really is, does it make you feel that incompetent?

You know, all throughout the years I met you, all you've done is belittle me and make fun of me because of really stupid reasons. I'm not going to be your doormat for you to step on anymore.

Here's the thing, would be doctor, you kinda need to actually be good at ENGLISH before you start your degree. So here's some advice, GO LEARN IT.

Stop harassing me with your lame broken English and making a complete debauchery out of the language. You thought I was uncool for knowing how to use English in proper sentences without sounding so kampung?

Well then my dear, you have completely no idea how ridiculous you look like, going for a medical degree with very bad language skills. I mean, it's kinda an international language. So it might not be our national language but too bad!
The books are written in English.

Hell, I would be very afraid to walk into a doctor's office when my doctor can't even pronounce the disease making me sick.

There. How does that feel to be on the other end of the stick, hmmm?

C'mon... I worked hard at getting what I wanted. Just because everything practically falls into your lap just because you're a sheer genius, doesn't meant that I'm better than you, okay?

We're in different fields for God's sake. I'm into engineering!
I don't see why you have to feel so threatened.

Talk about paranoid. Sheesh.

I thought the picture would lighten the mood of a very heavy blog post.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Take One Step Back and Look At Yourself

2011-06-17T11:52:00.002+08:00

Yes, please do.
Look, no one cares that Harry Potter lost to Twilight at the MTV Movie Awards.
I mean... C'mon...

You've got to admit it, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 was just a filler for Deathly Hallows Pt. 2. So why all the hate on Twilight?
I mean, even Twilight has fillers.
*ahem*NewMoon*cough*

But still... We all know that Deathly Hallows Pt. 2 is going to blow everyone's brains to tiny little bite size pieces.

Harry Potter and Twilight aren't even in the same genre for Merlin's sake.

*pause in mid-rant*

I'm beginning to sound like Alex Gaskarth.

o.o

"I will never read Twilight because I am a vampire and they portray us all wrong. You can't fall in love with a vampire, and rather than making sweet, sweet love to you I will eat your ******g throat out and drink your blood."

Okay. Enough Harry Potter vs. Twilight stuff.

Onwards with other random thoughts!

Am currently typing this out in Acu's office at Kenchana (holy Elder Wand, he has an amazing view from his office) while waiting for mummy to finish discussing some stuff before we head over to pick up my medical results.

Yay me!

Oh God... I can't wait to start college. I don't care what people say about the assignments and the work load and yadda yadda yadda.... I need to do something productive or my brain will permanently DIE of underusage.

I'm a sad sad person right now, planning my day out by what I'm going to eat for lunch.
My most challenging decision up to date.

*sighs*

Though I have been writing more and more fanfiction lately. Even opened up my Percy Jackson fanfiction that I've been abadndoning for a while.

Oh shizzle. Mummy just came into the room and apparently we're late for my appointment. What was that Kim Possible saying?

Gotta blast!

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

I See the Sight, With A Different Light

2011-06-14T21:16:00.003+08:00

Coolest T-shirt?
I think so.

Blood test today as a part of my medical check up before starting college.
Now I know why they didn't let me donate blood during NS. Oh dear God, it's not what you're thinking. I won't get the results until this Friday.

But I must have something wrong with me if they only took one vial of my blood and I get weak and crabby after that?

It was like the nurse slipped me an overdose of period hormones instead of taking my blood.

T_T

Right, moving on from less than savoury thoughts. I've been listening to those songs that I was so into during form 2.

Eg. Son of Dork, Busted & old McFly songs.

I can still picture those times when I'd burst into a random song and have Baizura, Myra, and Sash harmonize with me. Especially when we start singing 'That Girl', '5 Colours' and 'Transylvania'.

I remember trying to learn the guitar until my fingertips turned blue-black and having practices with Myra. I remember writing frantically for our fanfiction/fiction called 'Riverside'. (By the way, when are we going to make that blog for Riverside?)

I remember the insane dance practices we'd have in the mornings. Or laughing it out during tennis and trying our best not to get hit by random flying tennis balls (or breaking the windows in the gallery for that matter *coughcough*).

Those were the times, weren't they?

I love you guys, I really do. =')
Awww man... I promised I wasn't going to cry.

I'm a tear-jerker and I'm proud to admit it.

My iTunes isn't really helping me either. It keeps playing songs from that age. It has decided to play McFly's cover of Mr. Brightside. I got so obsessed with the song because Dougie was the main singer.
Hahaha. Finally, a bit of stardom for the quiet lad on the four strings!

I'm not sure where this blog post is going but oh well. I'm just typing as I go. I sort of had something planned in my head before I switched on my laptop, about what I was going to say and all that...
It completely slipped my mind when my iTunes flickered to life.

I kinda miss tuition. With the orange buildings, the blue carpets and the CCTV watching our every move. It seemed a little extreme but that's what made it awesome. I miss hanging out in Pan's Cafe, eating their super yummy pancakes and ogling at the waiter.
HAHAHAHA.
That Ken Joe wannabe.

I remember trying to learn Geography from the remnants of Edward's spaghetti cabonara and spilling salt into Albert's drink just to see if he would drink it. And guess what Syauqi? I couldn't finish my food back then either. Some things never change, eh?

Okay, I really need to stop wondering down memory lane.
Damn those high school year books stacked in my room.

Another interesting thing happened to me today, I went to Maxis in Taman Tun to fix my iPhone that's been dead for over a month now and what to do they tell me?

"We don't fix iPhones. We replace them. You'll need to pay RM1,400.00 to replace this one."

You're joking.

RM1,400.00?!?!?!

I might as well buy myself an iPhone 4 in that case instead of replacing that amount for the 3Gs model!

*sighs*

If you can't fix it, Maxis, why on Earth are you selling the phones? Simple question, no?

Anyway, maybe I'm just a little out of it because I've been trekking all over Petaling Jaya and Puchong to fix my iPhone for the last month and a half and I'll go insane if I don't text Sandra, Divya and Mel soon.

Sorry guys, but your numbers are in there.
I'm so lame, I know.

It's lamer still when you look at the clock and you realise it's only 10.01pm but your eyes are already drooping.

OH WELL.

My lovely pillow is calling out to me and I've got an early driving class tomorrow.

I'm a big bag of nerves.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Everybody Get Kinda Awesome

2011-06-12T23:19:00.003+08:00

Its that kind of night again.
When you want to sleep but you can't and for some apparent reason you feel like blogging.
So a short post for tonight. Yay!

Yeah, cos I'm awesome like that.

Fanfiction.net has practically been my second home for the last couple of weeks. I finally cracked the writer's block and wrote my little rainbow coloured heart out.
Unfortunately, the inspiration only lasted for so long.

*sighs*

And now, here I am again, facing writer's block. Yet again. What is UP with me?
Do I only get inspirations when I literally have no time on my hands?
Yes ideas just seems to snowball into my mind whenever I don't actually have my laptop around.

Oh the irony.

So anyways, I think there's a nest of ants in living in my laptop. o.0
Dude, what the flying fishballs are you doing in there?

ADFP at INTEC on the 3rd of July.

HOLY SHIZZ I CAN'T WAIT PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THE BOREDOM.

In the mean time, me thinks I'll be doing a few more of those fanfictions of mine. I've got the plot all lined up and its kinda epic. So to say so myself.

Bwahahaha... Cheers to that.
If you wanna go check out my stories, A Phoenix's Love can be found in my April/May history right here. The sequel will be posted on fanfiction.net
Though it's still in its 'embryonic stage'. Hahaha.
My other story is a Tom Riddle Jr. story called, 'Shades of Evil'.

And I'm also writing a Percy Jackson fanfiction!

Yes, I've been a busy, busy girl.

Oh wow. I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Hahaha.
Alright, alright.

Time to switch the Internet connection off.

Some people can't sleep because they've got insomnia, I can't sleep cos I've got an Internet connection.

o.0

Oh for the love of technology.

"Snowball, did you SEE the size of that rat?!?!"

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Just Two Kids, Stupid and Fearless.

2011-05-29T12:16:00.002+08:00

This is a story about a boy and a girl.
BAHAHAHA... Okay, that was extremely clichéd of me. But seriously, the story is based on the song 'Ocean Avenue' by Yellowcard. I don't own the song. But I do own the characters. Hahahaha.
It's just a bit of fluff. Hope you guys like it.

~*~

The summer he turned sixteen.

He could still feel the heat of the sun against his olive skin as he wandered down the avenue. Kids were racing on bicycles past him as his flip flops made a consistent thwacking sound on the sidewalk. Couples were strolling by, holding hands and laughing, their eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses.

A flash of rainbow from the corner of his eye caught his attention. He felt his throat tightened as he saw the most beautiful girl he had ever laid his eyes upon. She was wearing a colourful tie-dye dress and simple red flip flops. Her hair, a long wave of blonde tumbled past her shoulders. Her light brown eyes sparkled as he caught her attention. The strawberry ice-cream in her hand slowly melted in the heat, leaving a trail of sticky sweetness down her hand.

~*~

The beginning of an amazing friendship.
They would stay up all night, laughing together on the beach by the bonfire they had built together. He would watch the way she laughed, listening to the musical notes of her voice and memorising the movements of her hands as she talked. He felt like he had found home in her.
She was his companion.
His best friend.
His lover.

~*~

The summer he turned eighteen.
They were walking hand in hand along the beach. The sea foam lapped at their bare feet. Suddenly, she took off running. Laughing as she glanced behind her shoulder, her blonde hair flying like a piece of silk. He laughed, giving chase.
Two kids.
Enjoying the epitome of their love.

He made a dive for her, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist as the soft sand engulfed them. They panted against each other, their hearts beating in synchronisation, delirious smiles plastered on their faces.
“I love you.” She whispered, her hot breath against his cheek.
“I love you too.” He breathed, capturing her sweet lips in a kiss.

The last thing he remembered was seeing those light brown eyes gaze adoringly at him.

~*~

*A few years later*

He hasn’t stepped foot on this avenue since he was eighteen.
Since the summer they had kissed.

He felt like a stranger as he walked past by the stores that were all too familiar. He took a turn, his eyes cast in wonder as he realised that nothing had changed since he had left. Except...

He found himself standing at the same spot that he had met her years before.
If he closed his eyes, he could still smell the strawberry on her breath.
He could see the sparkle of her eyes.
The tinkle of her laughter.

He smiled involuntarily and opened his eyes, expecting to see her watching him curiously as she always did every time he did that around her.
There was nobody there.

-*-

He found himself sitting on the beach.
The same spot that they had built bonfires together.
Their spot.

He watched the waves crash onto the beach one after another. He laid on the sand, seeing the millions of stars that decorated the night sky. He felt her soft touch as she ran her fingers through his short hair.
He felt her hot breath against his cheek.
He could still taste the lipgloss from her lips.
He could see her hair, the colour of wheat in the summertime.
The mischievous glint in her eyes.

He awoke with a start to the sound of the waves. It was still dark and for one crazy moment, he thought he saw her sitting beside him.
She was giggling quietly behind her hand. Her perfect nails painted electric blue.
But when he reached out to touch her.
She disappeared like wisps of smoke from his fingers.

Of course she wasn’t here. She wouldn’t come back to this place.
Not after that one last sunrise...

~*~

He remembered the look in her eyes when he said that this was goodbye.
She begged him not to leave. He could vividly see the diamond tears in her eyes.
He could feel her hands on his chest as they held onto fistfuls of his shirt.
“I’m sorry. But I have to. Today’s my last day here. For a long time.” His voice cracked.
She watched him helplessly. He pulled her close, hugging her.

They spent the rest of the night like that.
Intertwined in each other’s arms.
Both of them watching the same night sky.
Both of them pretending that the sun would not rise.

It Pays To Be A Slacker

2011-05-25T20:32:00.004+08:00

Just as a warning, this post is all about venting and me blowing off some steam. So if you don't like that kind of stuff, you are more than welcomed to exit my blog. I don't like flames on my post. Thanks.
Just a friendly reminder.

Anyway, I had the KPP (Or known as Driver's Education Curriculum) today. A 5 hours lecture.
I know. I thought I was going to pass out when I heard it but then I realised, it's not much different than school. So I sucked it up and went anyway. Besides, it was one of the things you just have to do in order to get your license here in Malaysia. Now I'm not gonna comment on the whole reason why JPJ even decides to have this module (considering that eventhough this thing has been implemented for the last eleven years, the accident rates aren't exactly lessening) but whatever. I'm not a Minister.

What I really wanted to talk about is etiquette.

Now, the reason why I'm such a goody-two-shoes in classes is maybe due to the military-like disciplinary ways of my old tuition center at Nirmala's from form 2 until early form 4. I remember it vividly because I practically lived at her tuition center with my best friends in form 3 during PMR year. I remember her rules of having no shoes in the class. And she was especially strict about our attire. NO short sleeves. NO caps. And such like. Of course, she was also extremely strict about handphones.

Ohmygod. It's like a death in the family if someone's phone rings in class because they had forgotten to silent it. Miss Nirmala would give that person this laser stare that could turn you into dust and it really doesn't help when the class just falls into this hush. It was so so so freaky and scary, I always triple-checked my phone before class just to make sure it's on silent mode. She doesn't like it either if we switched the phone to 'vibrate'.

"I don't want to hear your phones farting when I'm teaching."

Her exact words.
Lol. Funny how I can still remember it like it was yesterday.
Miss Nirmala was also strict about us talking in class. She'd sometimes purposely separate us from our friends just so we won't talk in her class. That was how strict it was in her classes.

In retrospect, I owe her so much for my self-discipline now, no amount of thank yous can cut it. Now I know that not everyone is as fortunate as me to have such a wonderful teacher, but c'mon... Everyone must possess some kind of moral etiquette, yes?

Well, not the people in my DEC class just now. Seriously, it's like.... Complete debauchery.
Ohmygod... I wanted to yell at all of them for being so disrespectful but then again, I'm the youngest there.

Can you believe it? I, at the grand age of 17, know what should and should not be done in class, and then there's all these... Akak's and abang's who are at least 20 and above... Who apparently have no clue.

Okay, so I may have done some illegal texting in class before. But that was only if it was urgent, under the secrecy of my desk and when the teacher wasn't teaching or not in class. You see, it's called respect. But someone should tell the akak sitting beside me on my right. She must've been in her final year at university or something but she was texting like nobody's business even though the teacher was right in front of us, talking.

That's another thing. What's wrong with sitting front and center in a class? Why does everyone like to crowd at the back like sardines? Are the chairs overstuffed armchairs made of buttery soft leather back there? As far as I'm concerned, the back is cramped and the seats are equally as hard as the ones in front. So what's the big deal of sitting at the back?

Then there were the phones that weren't on silent mode. Seriously? No one wants to hear Fergie singing in the middle of class. It's not amusing. It's not cool. It's irritating and headache inducing to people who are actually trying to pay attention. If you don't want to, that's your problem bro. But don't drag the rest of us down with you.

Of course the thing that pissed me off the most was the akak beside me on my right. I don't care if you know the teacher. But you're in a classroom and there are some rules. My ex-physics teacher and I are like buddies. But I don't call him, "Brother" in class when he's teaching. Just because you know him outside, doesn't give you permission to talk with such disrespect in front of the class to him. Do you even stop to think of the impression it makes to the other students?
Hello? Ever heard of professionalism?
And you call yourself my senior.
PUH-lease.

There was also the guy who had his ears stuffed with earphones throughout the entire 5 hours.
Honestly, I've got no words.
Apparently he doesn't know the importance of a teacher's blessings.

Are these the youths of Malaysia?
If this is it, it's not really a wonder why the Government is freaking out on us.
Kiss Wawasan 2020 goodbye. It's never gonna happen when the younger generation are acting like this.

I've been called a lot of names.
"Melayu tipu" and coconut (brown on the outside, white on the inside) and many more...

All because my Malay isn't as good as my English.
But let's see who is the real Melayu tipu around here...
At least I still uphold my respect and etiquettes in class. A tribute to my Eastern/Asian upbringing. I still bother to use titles such as, "Akak" and "Abang" because they are still older than me (though certainly don't deserve the respect). I thanked the teacher at the end of class. Most importantly, I went for my prayers when it was break time.
As I recalled, everyone was too busy hitting the 7-Eleven and eating out to remember prayers. I doubt that all 10 Muslims girls there were having their 'monthlies'. And what happened to the Muslim guys? Not even a soul in the surau.

So if this is what you call a "Melayu tulen".
Then I want nothing to do with it.

I may only be 17 but I've been brought up proper. To give respect to my elders. To possess self-discipline. To be a first class citizen.
I'm not about to give that up just because of a few losers who think it's cool to act otherwise.

A great big hug to everyone out there who still upholds the old traditions out there despite whatever language they master in (Malay, English, Arab... So on...)

Be true to who you really are, people.
Respect each other and please be considerate.
Yes, I agree that 5 hours is a bit too much to take. But at least make an effort. I could. And I'm just 17. I don't see any reason why someone older than me can't.
You're suppose to set an example for us.
And yet....
Hah.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Sleep In A Coffin Made of Glass

2011-05-21T21:10:00.003+08:00

Hello, hello!

No, no. In case anyone is wondering, this blog is not dead. I've just been too lazy to update it. *smiles innocently*
Those cupcakes are for you by the way.
Heeee...

:D

HARRYPOTTERCUPCAKESOMGDLOLROFL!!!!

I feel like I've been jetsetting on Delorean for the past few weeks and I'm still a bit whoozy. MARA surprisingly called me for a last minute interview and *dun dun dun*... I'll write the full account later.

Anyway, had a really weird dream last night. It involved me dressed in a full Greco-Roman gladiator outfit, complete with leather sandals, white tunic, heavy bronze armour, a helmet with a full red plume, a shiny new sword and a sheild that resembles the one that Thalia uses in the Percy Jackson series. That isn't even the weirdest part... I was working with the FBI.

Now, will someone please enlighten me, what would I be doing wearing that kind of outfit unless I'm working in Ceasars Palace in Vegas, working undercover for the FBI? Apparently, some boy wonder had managed to make a time travel machine and I had to stop something from the past because it ruins the future? It really was a weird hotmess of a dream.

All I can remember from it is the outfit, the FBI and lots of stairs. The kinds you would normally see in a run down castle from the Middle Ages. The kind that you can picture King Arthur and Merlin living in. Yeah. Loads and loads of winding stars that leads to virtually no where. They went on for ages you really didn't know where they started and if they would eventually end.

Well, this is probably the aftermath of reading one too many Percy Jackson, Criminal Minds and Harry Potter fan fictions. Hahaha. I can't help it. When I have writer's block, I tend to read other people's work for some inspiration. Maybe a change in writing styles. I like writing stuff in description form. I used to love writing stories from third person's point of view. But lately, I'm finding it hard to do that and I prefer to write from the first hand point of view.

Maybe my styles are evolving along with my transition to college?

Or maybe my hormones are just messed up, an impending sign that my uterus is about to give me some serious pain?

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if it's the latter.

Anyways, I'm really superly duperly tired right now. Been 'on' since 6.00am this morning (combined with a not so fitful sleep last night, must be due to the weird dream) until now and my mind is beginning to zone out. Can't wait to get back home, cuddle up in my jimjams and curl up on the phone with a certain someone.

KABOOSHKA... I love him so much. (;

Toodles lovers.

Much kudos to Devian Art.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

That's The Truth

2011-05-02T15:09:00.002+08:00

I'm Not God, I Can't Change the Stars.

2011-05-01T22:45:00.002+08:00

A hundred days has made me older since the last time I saw your pretty face,
A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same,

But all the miles that separate,
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face.

I'm here without you baby,
But you're still on my lonely mind,
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

I'm here without you baby,
But you're still with me in my dreams,
And tonight it's only you and me.

The miles just keep rollin',
As the people leave their way to say hello,
I've heard this life is overrated,
But I hope it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby,
But you're still on my lonely mind,
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

I'm here without you baby,
But you're still with me in my dreams,
And tonight girl, it's only you and me.

Everything I know and anywhere I go,
It gets hard but it won't take away my love,
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done,
It gets hard but it won't take away my love.

I'm here without you baby,
But you're still on my lonely mind,
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

I'm here without you baby,
But you're still with me in my dreams,
And tonight, it's only you and me.

Oh, Resistance Is Useless...

2011-04-29T22:49:00.003+08:00

All Time Low is an amazing band.
Period.

I don't understand why people go through the trouble of saying, "Oh, I used to like them when they were playing decent music but their new album just SUCKS."

Well E X C U S E M E...
Who are you to criticize them like that?

You have no idea how much time have been put into making the album. How much nights they spent in the studio, working things over and over again. How many arguments had broken out while trying to decide the right tempo, beat or whatever.

True, I may never know myself considering I'm not part of their team but I can imagine what it must be like. I think the day-by-day diary of Sum 41 making 'Underclass Heroes' and McFly's 'Radio:ACTIVE' DVD has given me some insight knowledge of the going on's inside a studio.

So who are you.... To criticize months of work in just two seconds?

Their music style has changed. The songs are way different than the normal stuff they do. Isn't that a good thing?

Alex, Jack, Zack and Rian are maturing day by day. They're not going to spend the rest of their lives acting like teenagers, partying all night and having fun 24-7 (though it does seem like that on their STD... Straight To DVD for those of you who don't know. NOT Sexually Transmitted Disease) but I doubt they're going to still write about those stuff when they're nearing their mid-twenties and so on.

I mean, c'mon... Even McFly has changed their music style but that doesn't mean that they, AS A WHOLE, has changed. Their music is just maturing and hey... If you're going to be playing the same ol' music styles... Aren't you, the listener, going to get bored?

Can't you see that they can never win with you guys?
If they keep playing the same stuff, you'll just go, "Oh, we've heard this thing a thousand times now. It's like the same repetition over and over again. How boring."

And if not, you're going to be condemning them a 'sell-out' and going mainstream.

WHAT.THE.UNICORN?!

As a fan, you should be supporting them no matter what music they play. Support them because they're experimenting with different styles.

They're in a band for goodness sake. They are artists who should be given the opportunity to try new things. So if this kind of sound doesn't work well, they'll try something else.

Leonardo Da Vinci had lots of different mediums he used to paint on. He used canvases and walls.

William Shakespeare didn't just write poems. He also wrote ballads and plays.

Great artists change their style more often than not to find their signature style.

If you're a fan of Blink 182, you'll know that their music had evolved from 'Cheshire Cat' all the way to 'Enema of The State'.

I guess what really prompted me to write this blog is the amount of 'hate' that has cultivated around the new All Time Low album, DIRTY WORK. It just bugs me because I think that their new album has a lot of really great songs and their style hasn't changed THAT MUCH. If you're going to take in for account the way Alex sounded when they first started out at Emerald Moon Records.

Probably the coolest AP cover since they had Escape The Fate grace the AP cover. Then again, Latifah might not agree with me. Hahahaha.

Anyway, I know some of you are wondering how the interview went. I'm not going to divulge information just yet. All I can say is, I was as cool and collected as I could be considering that I had half an-hour's worth of all 'alone time' which I spent listening to (yeah, you guessed it) All Time Low, Boys Like Girls and Artist Vs. Poet.

I'm not going to write about the Royal Wedding either except to express my congratulations to Prince William and (Princess?) Kate Middleton. Other than that, I think people are just getting tired of the whole Royal Wedding hubbub already.

Kudos to Interscope.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Would You Cut Me With Your Kiss?

2011-04-27T22:48:00.004+08:00

"You fail to realise that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."

- Albus Dumbledore

Hahahaha.
I'm sure Latifah will frown if she sees that picture but I honestly couldn't resist myself. Though she might find the whole 'Harry Potter versus Twilight' affair utterly mindless and dumb, I find it amusing and a reason for a couple of good cheap laughs.

So I've been reading a lot lately. About structural analysis and mechanical engineering. All about UEM and their subsidiaries and my mind is ready to explode. Though I find it fascinating (surprisingly, I never thought I'd be remotely interested in any discipline related to mechanical engineering. Just goes to show, don't judge a book by it's cover), I'm getting a bit tired.
Hence why I stopped and decided to blog!

The assessment had been as expected, another personality test. A Harrison's Online test to be exact. Everyone there seemed loooooooads older than me.
Maybe because it was the way they were dressed?

I don't understand any of it of course. It's just a simple assessment, not the actual interview. I sincerely thought they were part of the UEM staff. Hehehe. Not sure if that's a positive thing for those other kids or not.

I nearly keeled over with excitement when Mummy bought me Tun Dr. Mahathir's book. I've been wanting to read it for aaaaaaaaaaages.

And somehow now, I've lost the will to blog. Blogging mojo. It comes and it goes.

I love you tumblr. Kudos to the author.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Like The Dozens of Spaceships We'll Dance with the Satellites

2011-04-23T20:44:00.005+08:00

Hi errrboooody!!!

So, I got a call the other day from UEM saying that I got shortlisted for their overseas scholarship. I have an assessment this Monday at the UEM Learning Center and an interview with them at their Mercu building on Friday.

At first I was like....

"OHMYGOD YES!!! FINALLY!! I'M SHORT LISTED!!!!"

Then I realise that I have no idea what to expect for their assessment test OR their interview. Apparently, they only shortlisted 60 people and only about 5-10 people ONLY will get through.

So I went like this...

"OH CRAP! WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DOOOOO?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO PREPARE?!"

And after spending time remembering all the little details about UEM and basically freaking out... I've become like this...

Every time someone mentions the UEM thing.

T_T'

*sighs*

The story of my life.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

You're Looking So Delicious

2011-04-20T01:35:00.002+08:00

FIRST AND FOREMOST....
One of my dearest and closest best friends has turned 18 and I'm so happy because she's finally legal to go into PG18 movies.

NYAHAHAHA...

Mahirah Farhana. You know I love you girl.

SECONDLY....

Congratulations to one of the sweetest couples of all time for finally getting engaged after many, many, MANY cute pictures together posted all over the Internet and the most amazing 7 years relationship.

TOM & GIOVANNA.

I think I nearly hyperventilated when Myra texted me in the morning to say that Tom had proposed to Gio.

Anyway, today was fun. Spent the lunch at Myra's house and then we went grocery shopping for Mummy at Giant's. Of course Sash was the designated driver considering that she's the only one of us who has a license. Then hung out at Sash's house because Myra had piano class and finally went for McDonald's for dinner and went back to Sash's house.

Myra's sleeping over at my house right now and we're currently watching 'Marley & Me' while I'm typing this out. Which would sort of explain why I'm kinda distracted.

Wondering what Myra and I are we going to be up to tomorrow. Either we're going to spend time at Subang Parade or walk aimlessly around KLCC. Either way, I was thinking of getting some sort sketch book slash blank paged book for me to right down every other random thought I have and uhm... Drawings?

I don't know. Staying at home and staring at the ceiling does give me some ideas. Sort of. I've gone through a couple of books and I'm due at the bookstore at Amcorp Mall some time soon. Plus, I'm running out of DVD's to watch. Seriously.

OHMYGOD, WHEN AM I GOING TO START COLLEGE?!

Seriously, I never thought I'd see the day when I want to study. But really? Right now? I'd love noting better than to spend my nights doing coursework and homework and studying for stressful exams. I can literally feel my brain rusting in my cranium.

I need to think of some projects to do. Hence the desperate need for some sort of sketch book. With awesome pens. Awww... I miss stationary shopping.

I've been bugging Daddy to go to Sabah with me. I kinda need some new writting inspirations and I think sea-watching might be kinda 'inspirational'. Unless he wants to pay for a trip to New York for me. I know that would give me a lot to write about. AND CAN YOU IMAGINE THE PICTURES?!

Okay, I sound like such a tourist now.

I need to start concentrating on the movie right now. Hahahaha. I think Myra's half-asleep.

All credits go to Matthew Gray Gubler by the way. This particular picture came from his website at www.matthewgraygubler.com
I swear to God, you'll LOVE the website. So many amazing things. I couldn't stop laughing.
(;

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Everywhere You Go, I Just Wanna Know What Your Best Friend Knows

2011-04-12T23:28:00.002+08:00

Two words: Laser Tag.

Celebrated Myra's 18th birthday today just because Baizura is leaving for jolly ol' London on the 16th and will miss Myra's actual birthday on the 19th.

The morning didn't really start all too great for me considering that my ride decided to turn up later than expected. Then who but decided to be my saviour other than Sash?
Honestly, I was having such a laughing fit when I walked out of my house to see the blue coloured Atos filled with my best friends outside.

Of course we listened to McFly in the car. What else would we listen to? (;

Anyway, one definite 'no-no' that should be done before playing laser tag.

DO NOT EAT!!

I was this close to hurling the chicken rice we had for lunch after practically crawling out of the laser tag arena.

The funny thing was, I think I was the most excited person when we reached there. All hyper and bouncy. They have all these names on the laser tag gear. Bai's was, 'Impulse'.

"Like impulsive force?" Sash laughed.

Sash's was, 'Electeca'.
Myra's... I can't remember. Forgive me Myra!
My sides were hurting from the 'impulsive force' joke.
And mine was, 'Wolf'.

"Hey, mine isn't as stupid as yours. What are you? Wolf?" Bai demanded.
"Nah. I'm the wolverine!" I replied, striking a mean pose with the laser gun.

Anyway, X-Men jokes aside, we raced into the arena all pumped up on adrenaline.
That was when my physical torture began...

I think it had only been 3 minutes into the game (1 mission lasts for 10 minutes) and I was ready to call, "SURRENDER!!" and pass out on the floor.

Picture a darkened paintball arena with glow in the dark painted walls and luminous lighting. That's a laser tag arena. Being in the near-darkness sort of freaked me out considering that there were so many obstacles (I hate my over-active imagination) and it didn't really help matters that I was wearing white pants and a white selendang which of course glowed under the lighting inside the arena.
If I wasn't so tired, I'd have probably laughed.

I did laugh about it though. About an hour later.

National Service is NOTHING like laser tag. I swear to God, I am so unfit.
T_T

My cheeks were flaming red after the game Baizura went, "Tash? Are you okay?"

Dandy Bai. Just dandy.

We headed back to Sash's house after where we practically crashed out on her L-shaped sofa and was stuck between watching Pokemon and Tom & Jerry.

Yes, we're high school graduates.
(:

Myra went home. Bai went home. So Sash and I watched McFly videos on YouTube.
I swear, those boys really have a lot of interesting games when they're back stage and bored.

Bulldog clips game and sofa surfing.

There won't ever be a dull moment if I ever get to go on tour with them.

Anyway, I'm super duper tired and all I want to do is crawl into my warm bed and crank the AC on. Oh sweet comfort.

Thank you Vader. I appreciate your support on my epic laser tag skills.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

A Phoenix's Love: Final Chapter: The Last Goodbye.

2011-04-05T21:58:00.003+08:00

Disclaimer: Anything remotely Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. The song belongs to All Time Low. (: Thank you. Please comment considering this is the final chapter.

It was a horrible experience.
The fear that shook my core and the cold reality that travelled down my spine like a splash of cold water on a winter’s morning.
“Ron... Poisoned? H-how?” I stuttered, feeling my knees give way and sat down heavily on the armchair in the Gryffindor’s common room.
“No time.” Hermione wrenched my arm, pulling me from the chair with a jolt. Tears were running freely from her eyes, perfect water crystals forming a river down her flushed cheeks. “We’ve got to go to the Hospital Wing now.”
“What happened, Hermione?” I asked, running after her through the portrait hole.

Outside, the snow had melted but the temperature was still freezing despite it being early March. Sunlight tried to pierce though the overcast, feeble attempt to warm the ground. It was a Saturday, so while some brave students had decided to face the elements by having a picnic by the lake most of them had gone to Hogsmeade for the usual Hogsmeade trip.
With a sickening jolt, I remembered that it was Ron’s birthday and Fred and George had planned to surprise Ron in Hogsmeade.

“Ron...He drank some love potion by mistake in their room. It was Harry’s Christmas present from Romilda Vane..” Hermione began.
“Oh.” I wrinkled my nose, still running after her. “Is Ron okay now?”
Hermione gulped back. “That’s the thing. You see, Harry brought him to Professor Slughorn to get a remedy for Ron. And well, it worked. So Slughorn offered them some mead after...And apparently the poison was in the mead. Ron drank some and...And he...”
“Okay, he was poisoned. I get it. Then what happened?” I asked trying to stop the rising panic in my voice.
“Harry... Harry shoved a bezoar down his throat.”
Relief passed through me this time, remembering that bezoars could cure any kind of poison.
“So he’s alright then?” I asked hopefully as we crashed through the Hospital Wing’s doors.

Ron looked crippled and weak as he laid on his bed, the only occupant of the Hospital Wing. He seemed to be asleep, dark rings forming around his eyes and his skin almost translucent.
Harry sat beside him, his black hair as dishevelled as ever, spectacles slightly askew.
“Ron! Will he be okay?” Hermione asked fearfully, her brown eyes darting from Ron to Harry.
Harry glanced up at us, his mouth trembling a little. “Y-yeah. Madam Pomfrey said he just needs some rest.”
“What happened Harry?” I asked gently, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Do you know who did this?”
Harry shrugged. “That’s the thing. If Slughorn wanted to poison me, why did he place the poison in Ron’s cup? Do you think he could’ve made a mistake?”
“I don’t know Harry. Slughorn’s a professor. He’s been teaching Potions since before any of us were even born. I think it could have just been a mistake. You were in his office weren’t you? He could have accidentally poured the poison in the glasses, thinking that they were mead.” Hermione said hesitantly, unwilling to point a finger at a teacher.
“Hermione, you just contradicted yourself. He’s a Potions master. How could he make a mistake?” I asked.
“Everyone makes mistakes Roxanne. You know that.” Hermione argued.
“But the mead wasn’t Slughorn’s.” Harry suddenly piped up.
I widened my eyes. “What are you talking about Harry?”
“When Slughorn offered us the mead, he mentioned something about it being a Christmas present from someone to Dumbledore. But he never gave it to Dumbledore. He kept it for himself.” Harry said.
“So you’re saying that Dumbledore was the intended target?” I asked.
Harry nodded his head quickly.
“Well, did he mention who wanted to give the bottle of mead to Dumbledore?” Hermione questioned quickly.
“No. He forgot who it was from.” Harry sighed.
“Alright. So basically, what we know is that there’s someone out there who wants to kill Dumbledore.” Hermione said.
“Well that’s kind of obvious, Voldemort’s been wanting to kill Dumbledore since he became...Lord Voldemort.” I said with flourish.
Harry cracked a small smile, if only a little.
“Yes but Roxanne, You-Know-Who is too smart for this kind of antics. This is almost too immature.” Hermione wrinkled her nose.
“And far more dangerous. Whoever it is, doesn’t care if he reaches his target or not.” Harry continued grimly.
I sighed. “We’re not even close to solving one riddle and we’ve already got another.”
Just as I was about to close my eyes, I snapped them back open.
“Oh my God!” My hand flew to my mouth.
“What? You know who’s doing this?” Harry asked eagerly.
I smirked. “I wish, Harry. No, it isn’t that. Fred and George. They’re in Hogsmeade right now. They were waiting to surprise Ron with his birthday present there. I should go tell them.” I glanced sympathetically at Ron. “When will he wake up?”
“Soon. According to Madam Pomfrey. You should send them an owl. Tell them to come up to Hogwarts.” Harry replied.
I nodded my head and left the Hospital Wing.

The torches in the hallway gave off a spectacularly warm vibe, a harsh contrast to the biting cold just outside the castle walls. The rest of the student body were having dinner in the Great Hall so the corridor leading to the Hospital Wing was empty except for me and the sound of my footsteps as they resonated. Harry had left earlier with some sort of twisted plan to coax the information concerning the poisoned mead out of Slughorn. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had arrived which signalled the end of my visiting hours.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be there, but more often than not, I found myself uneasy in a hospital room filled with people.
My tongue develops some sort of heavy-weight disease that renders me speechless and completely void of any emotion.
I hated that. Hated feeling like I was losing control of myself.
That is probably my worst fear. Of losing control of myself, my mind...
Maybe that’s why I’m so afraid of death.
Afraid of Voldemort.
I shuddered, not allowing myself to fall into that kind of thinking.
The horror at the graveyard had left me with more emotional baggage than I would’ve liked. But I will not drag it along with me at all times.

“Hey.” A voice whispered in my ear.

Startled, I jumped about three foot in the air and scowled when I saw who it was.
“Fred! You could’ve given me a heart attack.” I reprimanded.

Fred chuckled and shrugged easily. “C’mon Roxanne, I thought that after spending years in my company you would be used to me sneaking up on you by now.”

“No. As a matter of fact, I’m still not used to it.” I snapped. The frown only lasted a couple of seconds on my face before a warm smile broke through. “You’ll be the death of me, Fred Weasley. You really will be.” I threw my arms around his shoulders.
He picked me up and hugged me tightly, burying his face into my hair.
We tried not to flaunt our new relationship too much but ever since that night at The Burrow, it’s triggered something inside the both of us. Something that felt so wrong when we were apart from each other and so right when we were with each other.
I’m not even sure if that makes sense but it feels like...
Like we’ve found home in each other.

“I’m so sorry about Ron.” I said when we had let go of each other.
He shook his head and gently stroked my cheek with his forefinger. “I’m just glad that it wasn’t you.”
“What? Fred... That’s your little brother in there.” I pointed out.
“I know and it scared me. It scared me right down to the bone. But Madam Pomfrey said he’s going to be alright and thanks to Harry... He’s going to live. I can’t even begin to explain the amount of relief that I felt... Though at the same time...I keep reminding myself how easily it could’ve been you.” A worry line appeared between Fred’s eyebrows.
“Fred... Far from it. I was nowhere near Slughorn’s office this morning. I swear.” I said.
“And I told you,” Fred stepped closer, toying with the ends of my hair. “I’m glad. Now c’mon. I know you haven’t eaten yet.”
“So you’re going to eat with me in the Great Hall?” I asked bewilderedly.
Fred laughed. “Roxanne, are you forgetting who I am?”
I stared at him quizzically.
“The Master of Mischief.” He grinned at me. “I’m not letting you eat at the Great Hall. How deathly boring would that be? I’m taking you out.” There was a familiar mischievous sparkle in his eye. Just the look he got every time he was about to pull off some master scheme of his.
“You did not just call yourself the Master of Mischief.” I laughed.
“It was a name I was thinking of adopting. You don’t like it? No?” Fred laughed as I continued laughing, shaking my head.
He took hold of my hand tightly and led me to the third corridor.
“Where are we going, Fred? Seriously.” I asked, the smile still on my face.
“I was thinking of a... Romantic gate away if you will.” Fred replied, raising his eyebrows.
“Fred, the Room of Requirement isn’t here.” I stated, utterly confused.
“We’re not going to the Room of Requirement. I wanted to do something different for a change.” Fred said and pulled me towards a red and gold tapestry with the Gryffindor insignia on it. “Listen, remember how you were saying last Christmas how it’s important to have that one perfect moment with each other?”
“Well yeah... But don’t you think it’s dangerous? I mean, sneaking out of Hogwarts grounds... After what happened to Katie Bell....”
“I promise you Roxanne, nothing will happen to us. I just want that... That perfect moment. The perfect night. Please? Isn’t it bad enough that Ron nearly got killed today? Don’t you think we should... Just forget about the world for one moment?” Fred pleaded.
Every logical instinct inside of me told me to say ‘no’ to argue common sense into Fred but curiosity was really weighing down on my shoulders and it’s been a long time since I had done anything remotely fun. So far it’s been trying to keep Ron and Hermione’s friendship in one piece, although that might magically sort itself out when Ron wakes up. Trying to figure out the riddle that Dumbledore had left Harry with and pretty much trying my best to stay alive throughout the week.
I glanced at Fred and suppressed the giggle that was building up inside of me.
Damn those chocolate eyes.
“Go, go. Before I change my mind.” I smiled. “So where are we going then? Hogsmeade?”
Fred smiled back, nodding and pulled back the tapestry. “Fake wall.” He stated, pushing his whole arm through it and held his other hand out for me.
“I never knew that there was a secret passage that way.” I commented, holding onto his hand tightly as we stumbled through the dark together.
“Master of Mischief.”
“You know, you’ve got to stop saying that.”
Fred chuckled.

We emerged in some sort of wine cellar behind a couple of crates of what looked like Firewhisky.
“Are we beneath the Three Broomsticks?” I asked.
“Yes, we are. Now hang on tight, I think it’s better if we don’t let Madam Rosmerta see you.” Fred held my arm tightly as we Apparated out of the cellar.
My face hit a cold gust of wind as we appeared on the cobbled-stone pavement just outside of Honeydukes. I pulled on the warm red Burberry scarf tighter around my neck. The stars looked like diamonds in the skies and the residents of Hogsmeade were going about on their nightly business, spilling in and out of Three Broomsticks and Hog’s Head. It felt great to hear people talking loudly in excited voices and laughing with high spirits compared to the sombre atmosphere that had been hanging around lately in Hogwarts.
“So where are we going?” I asked as Fred placed an arm around my shoulders leading me down the pavement.
“You’ll see.” He smiled playfully at me.
“Please don’t say Madam Puddifoot’s, please.” I pleaded.
Fred chuckled. “Bad experiences?”
“No. It’s just that that place is outrageously overrated.” I said a flashback recurring in my mind. “Long story.” I added.
“It’s alright. Don’t worry Roxanne, we’re not going to Madam Puddifoot’s. I got another place planned.” Fred smiled.
“Well can’t you just give me a hint?” I continued to harp on.
“You’ll see it when we get there.” Fred smiled annoyingly.
I sighed and gently elbowed him in the ribs, rolling my eyes playfully.

We walked until we reached the end of the street, the wind was still blowing and I shivered visibly in my striped sweater.
Suddenly, Fred led me down an all too familiar path.
“Fred... Are we going to the Shrieking Shack?” I asked sceptically.
“Maybe.” Fred teased.
“Fred.”
“Alright, alright. We are. But so what?” Fred chuckled. “You’re not actually afraid of ghosts and ghouls are you? You know it’s not real anyway.”
“I know. It’s just... I don’t know... My idea of a romantic escapade doesn’t usually involve an old abandoned house with wrecked furniture and like fifteen inches of dust on the floors.” I stated.
Fred laughed. “Trust me Roxanne. You’ll love this.”

He led me inside the dark hallway with the ruined paintings and the torn up carpets. I tried to stifle the rising giggle that was threatening to burst out of me at any minute now.
“What is it?” Fred asked as he saw my shoulders shaking uncontrollably.
“I love your idea of what ‘romantic’ is.” I grinned playfully in the darkness as he led me down the hallway.
“That’s just hilarious, Roxanne. It really is.” He replied sarcastically.
I smiled, following his dark figure towards where the parlour was meant to be.
Fred stood in front of the wooden doors, there were long deep scratches on them, probably made by Sirius or by Lupin when they had been in animagus and werewolf form.
“Wait until you see this.” Fred told me excitedly as I came to a halt beside him.
I smiled seeing his excited smile and gasped when he opened the doors leading to the parlour.
Instead of the dust, grime and ruins I had expected to find, the place had truly been cleaned up. The old tables and chairs had been pushed to the side of the room to make space in the middle. What seemed like a hundred floating candles hung suspended in mid-air and the floors were so polished so that they practically glistened beneath the candlelight. In the corner of the room, half-hidden by the shadows was a white baby grand piano. But what really took my breath away was the picnic that sat right in the centre of the room.
Sitting on a red blanket was an assortment of all my favourite food.
There was roast beef with gravy and mashed potatoes, crème brulee, treacle tarts, chocolate dipped strawberries and even fizzing whizzbees and chocolate frogs.
“Fred.” I breathed. I wanted to laugh out loud and scream simultaneously. “How did you... How did you do all this?”
“Well, I didn’t do it all by myself. George helped. And I have to admit, the house elves from Hogwarts helped by supplying the food. But it was initially my idea.” Fred explained.
“It’s beautiful, Fred.” I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.
He smiled at me and pulled me into the parlour.

“Chardonnay?” I raised an eyebrow as Fred handed me a wine glass that was filled to the brim.
Fred smiled. “I thought you might be getting bored of pumpkin juice and Butterbeer.”
I raised my glass at him and took a little sip.
We had just finished off the last of the dinner that Fred had brought from the house-elves at Hogwarts and were lounging on the red blanket. I watched Fred, loving the way his hair looked soft under the candle light and studied the fine practically chiselled features he had on his face. The aristocratic chin and the knowing dark chocolate brown eyes. Everything about him practically screamed pure-blood and yet...
He was nothing like them.
Nothing like the Blacks or the Malfoys.
“What?” Fred asked me noticing my eyes on him.
I shook my head. “Nothing. I’m just glad how things worked out between us.”
“I know. I’m glad George made me see sense.” Fred said and abruptly pulled me up. “There’s something else I got for you.”
I raised an eyebrow but followed him anyway as he led me to the baby grand piano sitting in the corner.
“I never knew you could play the piano.” I commented as Fred sat down and started to play some scales.
“Yeah. Mum made George and I take classes when we were younger. Dad was something big in the Ministry then and well, we weren’t always what you see us now. We used to be well... Like the Blacks. That was before our family expanded some more and things just grew rougher after that.” Fred continued to play.
“Why didn’t I know this?” I asked gently, sitting down beside him.
Fred shrugged. “I don’t really like bringing up the past. Ron and Ginny probably don’t know the story and it may hurt their feelings to know something like that.”
I nodded my head. “Yeah.” I smiled at him. “You’re amazing Fred.”
Fred chuckled. “For hiding the truth so that my brother and sister don’t feel bad? Some people might justify that as lying.”
“No. I think it’s protecting. Sometimes... Ignorance is bliss.” I said softly.
Fred raised an eyebrow in question.
“I’m just saying... Maybe it would be easier if my family didn’t know our true heritage. The whole Mayflower thing. It might’ve...It might’ve prevented Voldemort from wanting to recruit me.” I explained.
“Hey.” Fred stopped playing and gently brushed my hair back, placing it behind my ear. “Let’s not think about that right now. Tonight wasn’t meant to be about Voldemort. It’s supposed to be about us.”
“Yeah. You’re right.” I smiled. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He murmured, leaning his head on my shoulder. “Reality isn’t something we can erase completely. But we could put it on ‘pause’. At least for a couple of hours.”
I laughed and agreed with him.
“So do you want to hear the ballad I made for you?” Fred asked me, sitting up straight.
“You made me a ballad?” I questioned, feeling that familiar butterfly in my stomach and my heats flushing in pleasure.
Fred nodded and started to play, his long fingers expertly moving across the keys with ease as if they were dancing.
I sat beside him, entranced by the music that was coming out of the piano, barely aware of my own breathing.

The last notes hung in the air, a shimmering vibration between the particles before slowly evaporating into nothing but a sweet memory.
The ballad reminded me of all my favourite things at once. It had the sweet taste of exquisitely made milk chocolate, the sourness of a lemon flavour Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans and the light feathery crumble of a pavlova. It reminded me of the Italian sunshine as it shone through the large floor-to-ceiling windows of my holiday home in Venice. It reminded me of the sea foam that crashed onto the sandy white beaches in Los Angeles. The careless laughter that I used to have before Voldemort came to power once more and the innocence that I had once possessed before seeing Cedric Diggory killed right in front of me.
All rolled up in one giant Tiffany’s and Co. signature blue ribboned box.

“So... What do you think?” Fred asked uncertainly.

I looked at him, shocked to find tears gathering in the corners of my eyes.
Apparently, so was he.
“Why are you crying? Was I that bad?” Fred asked, genuinely worried. “I know it’s been a while since I played the piano but-...”
“No, Fred.” I shook my head quickly, giggling at the absurdity of it and sniffling at the same time. “Oh Merlin... You were far from bad. You were really, really good.”
Fred laughed. “You’re crying because I was good? You know Roxanne, has anyone ever mentioned to you that you’ve got a funny way of showing your appreciation for someone?”
“Oh really? So what if I did this to show my appreciation?” Before I lost the guts to do so, I grabbed the front of his sweater, pulling him down so that our lips graced each other’s.
In that one moment, everything in the world seemed to fade away.
Death Eaters.
Killlings.
Voldemort.
It all just faded away and nothing else mattered but the feel of our lips on one another’s.
For once, it was all... Perfect.

‘Outside, the brake light’s started to dim,
I feel the tension that’s been pulling us in,
And we can do it again so we can feel alright,
Falling in love for the night.’

~*~

It was cruel and yet somewhat ironic, that a year after that we would be facing the final battle.
The War of our lives that ended in the life or death of either my best friend, Harry Potter or the vile creature whom had created this mayhem and horror, Lord Voldemort.
Of course the battle would take place on Hogwarts grounds. This was where it had all started after all, from the moment Voldemort, then known as Tom Riddle, had walked through the finely ornate entrance of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and this is where it was all meant to end.

Time was running out on us, Voldemort had warned that we had only one hour before the Death Eaters would continue their bloodshed.
“We have to find the diadem.” Harry panted, wiping the sweat from his brow.
“I think it’s best if we split up.” Ron said.
“What? No! That’s a bad idea. What if something happens? No. We’ve stuck with each other through everything that’s happened this past year. We’re not going to separate now.” Hermione stated.
“But Mione... We don’t really have the time. And the Ravenclaw common room is blocked.” Ron said exasperated.
“Exactly why we need to have Hermione. We can’t split up.” I said, grabbing Ron’s and Hermione’s arms and pulled them along after me. “Let’s go. We’re wasting time.”
“Roxanne’s right. Let’s go.” Harry ran ahead of us, glancing down at the Marauder’s Map for hints and clues of where everyone else might be.

The castle was in pure havoc. Stoned walls had fallen in, marble statues and the creaky knights had left their plinths to guard the castle from the impending doom that hung like a black sinister cloud around the castle.
“We don’t have much time!” Harry yelled as we ran through the corridors. “We’ve got to get to the Room of Requirement now! Before Malfoy does.”
“Harry,” I grabbed his arm, my eyes roaming over the horror that laid before us. The stoned walls leading to the corridor that led to the Room of Requirement had completely crashed in, giving us a dead end. “There’s no use. We can’t move all these rocks in time for us to get to the Room.” I said in dismay.
“There’s got to be another way.” Hermione wrung her hands. “Harry, check the map!”
“No, no. I don’t have to. There’s another way. C’mon. Follow me.” Harry instructed urgently, charging down the other corridor.
We ran after him, ignoring the stitch in our sides as we ran for what felt the entire wizarding world.

We were hurtling down another corridor, one that seemed strangely familiar. It was then I remembered that this was the corridor that had once held the Philosopher’s Stone and the Mirror of Erised.
All those memories... It plagued my mind like some sort of disease. Showing me only the briefest of flashbacks before switching to another one.
The giant lethal chess pieces.
Professor Quirrell and his head that had somehow merged with Voldemort’s.
The gleaming ornate eye of the snake statue in the Chamber of Secrets.
The glimmer of the basilisk’s scales as it slithered around me, trapping me sending me into darkness.
It all came tumbling in my thoughts like some sort of hurricane twister.
That was when I saw him.
A flash of longish ginger coloured hair. Guarding the very same entrance that had once brought Fred and I to Hogsmeade for that one night with some Hogswarts students I didn’t recognise.
“Fred!” I called out relief washing through me. I hadn’t heard a word from him since we last met at Shell Cottage briefly.
Fred’s head jerked up, a familiar grin spreading across his face as he heard my voice.
“Roxanne!” He ran towards me, scooping me in his arms. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
“I know. I’m glad you’re okay too.” I cupped his cheeks, taking into detail the bleeding cut just above his brow.
“A Death Eater knicked me. Nothing to worry about.” Fred explained.
I frowned.
“Roxanne! We don’t have time for this.” Harry yelled at me, exasperated.
“Please... Just five minutes...” I pleaded with him and then turned around to face Fred once more.
“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself, okay?” I met his dark chocolate gaze, waving my wand so that the cut above his brow healed.
“Roxanne, I’ll be fine.” Fred placed his hand over mine which was gently cupping his cheek. “It’s you that I’m worried about. Anything could happen to you. Especially since-...”
He left the sentence to hang in mid-air, letting the weight fall like a dark demon thirsty for innocent souls. Which probably what Voldemort was.
“No. I’ll be okay.” I said stubbornly, pushing my hand through his air, our foreheads touching gently.
“Roxanne!”
I sighed and Fred gently kissed my lips. “You should go. Harry seems rather to blow.”
“Fred?” I looked up at him.
“Yes?”
“I never really said this but-...”
“Roxanne, let’s go.” Harry wrenched me from Fred’s grasps. “We’ll see him in a bit. I’m sorry Fred but we really need to do this.”

I pulled the singed white Atticus hoodie off of me and dropped it onto the floor.
“Well, that’s done.” I said, smoothening the black tank top that I had been wearing underneath. “The diadem is gone.”
“What are we going to do about him?” Ron nodded his head to Draco Malfoy whom was still sitting on the ground panting, little spirals of smoke coming from his dark green robes.
We had just narrowly escaped from being burned alive in the Room of Requirement along with the diadem.
So much for trying to stay safe.
The air sizzled like electricity as all around us, people shouting curses and spells could be heard. An explosion erupted every few minutes as someone or something blew up. Peeves floated above us, cackling with mad laughter carrying what looked like a broken chandelier.
“We should get out of here. Figure out where Voldemort is hiding.” Harry replied.
“What? And led you to your death?” Ron exclaimed.
“No, Ron. Harry’s right. Nagini is the last horcrux now. And you know that Voldemort doesn’t leave Nagini on her own.” I said, standing up with great difficulty. It felt like the knees of my legs were screaming in pain from where I had been unceremoniously thrown onto the floor by Goyle earlier.
“Roxanne, you’re bleeding.” Hermione pointed out, kneeling beside me. Sure enough, a wound shown through from where my slacks had ripped and I could feel the warm blood trickling down my calf.
“It’ll be okay.” I assured her, waving my wand so that blood stemmed. “I can’t do much. I’ll get it healed later.”
Hermione pursed her lips.
“Well, let’s go. We still need to figure out where Voldemort is.” Harry jogged ahead of us.
“Harry, we don’t even know where we’re going.” I called after him.
“I think I’ve got a plan.” He said.

We could hear the sounds of someone duelling down the other end of the corridor. Running towards the sounds, I felt my heart did a double dive when I realised it was Fred and Percy duelling with a Death Eater who didn’t seem to want to back down.
My wand ready, I raced towards them, too far to aim a stunning spell and afraid of missing my target and accidentally hitting Fred or Percy instead.
Suddenly, the Death Eater stumbled, his skull mask sliding off his face to reveal the Ministry of Magic.
“Oh hello there Minister. Did I tell you I’ll be resigning?” Percy yelled, smiling in triumph as his Stunning spell caught the Minister squarely in the chest. I watched him fall over like he had been hit on the head as I arrived at Fred’s side, grabbing his hand.
Fred was laughing. “Perce, did you just make a joke? Oh Merlin...I can’t believe this.”
He was wiping the tears away from his eyes and suddenly pulled me into a tight hug. “Everything is falling into place, Roxanne.” He suddenly said.
I stared at him bewilderedly. “What are you talking about Fred?”
“Percy coming back to the family... Then you and me...” Fred grinned.
“Fred, what are you rambling about?” I tried not to laugh but somehow it all seemed incredibly hysterical given the urgent situation that surrounded us. Over our heads, we could hear the shouts of people duelling.
“You and me...Roxanne...” Fred grasped my shoulders, smiling. “We’re together. That’s what I’m talking about.”
“Fred...Oh Fred...” I laughed, hugging him and looked deep into his eyes, brushing his ginger hair back. “I wanted to tell you something earlier, before Harry dragged me away.”
“Roxanne!” Harry suddenly appeared by our sides. “Listen, I got a plan.”
“Oh no you don’t. No. Let me finish my sentence first.” I told Harry and then looked back at Fred. “Thing is Fred, I love you.”
A look of pure undulating happiness spread across his face and I couldn’t help but feel the swelling of happiness inside of me.
Fred hugged me tight, burying his face into my hair. “I love you too Roxanne Van Allen.” He murmured into my ear.
In that precise moment, I couldn’t have been happier.

Suddenly, I felt myself wrenched out of Fred’s embrace, this time not by Harry, but by a loud explosion just behind us.
For a mere second, I saw the stoned wall behind us crumble in the explosion, sending massive pieces of stone, debris and me flying through the air. I landed heavily on my side with a resounding crack as I heard one of my ribs crack.
Red flashed before my eyes as pain engulfed me. It took me a moment to realise that the high-pitched scream was coming from my own lips and tears had clouded my vision along with the dust that was still shrouding the corridor.
“Roxanne?! Roxanne!” Harry found me, lying on my side trembling from the pain that gnawed at my side.
“Harry...” I winced. “My rib... Its broken.”
“It’s okay. It’ll be alright. We’ll get you to the Hospital Wing. Stay strong. Come on....” Harry gingerly lifted me up, supporting me under my armpits. I glanced around me, the scene was horrible.
A complete destruction that made the Hogwarts corridor barely recognisable.
“You’re lucky you didn’t land on that jagged stone over there.” Harry nodded to the stone a few centimetres to my right as he half-carried, half-dragged me over the debris. “Better a broken rib than being dead.”
Another inhumane cry pierced the air which made my blood curdle. Something in me recognised that voice. But there was something wrong.
Something horribly, horribly wrong.
“Harry...” I gasped weakly, my hand clinging to the front of his shirt as a strange panic overcome me. “Harry, where’s Fred? I don’t see Fred.”
“Roxanne, the wall blew up. He could’ve been thrown somewhere.” Harry tried to reason with me, but he couldn’t hide the rising panic in his own voice.
Tears welled up in my eyes once more. “He’s alright, isn’t he? Please...Let him be okay.” I prayed, clinging onto Harry until my knuckles turned white.
My eyes widened when I saw a flash of red hair. “Harry! Harry over there.” I pointed.
But as we approached, we could just make out Percy standing over something but there was something horribly wrong with the scene.
“Oh no, Roxanne...I don’t think...” Harry stopped in his tracks.
“NO! Harry James Potter you will take me there!!” I half-screamed in his ear.
I almost wish I hadn’t.
As we came closer still, I could make out what was lying on the floor. It wasn’t a thing. It was a someone.
My blood froze as I noticed the ginger hair.
“Percy...” I gasped as we reached right behind him.
Percy turned around, his face as white as sheet, delicate tears running freely down his face. “Roxanne...He’s...”
Percy broke down, stepping aside and showing me my worst nightmare.
Fred Weasley laid spread-eagled on the floor, the ghost of his last smile was still on his face.
But his eyes...
They were lifeless.

~*~

A hand gripping mine all of a sudden, jolted me out of my memories. I glanced at my side and realised that it was George.
Tears were running freely down my eyes as I pursed my lips, holding back the sob in my throat.
“It’s okay to cry.” George suddenly murmured, pulling me close to his chest, stroking my hair gently.
I felt someone gently patting my back.
“I’m so sorry Roxanne.” Harry’s voice came mournfully but I shut my eyes tighter, wanting to escape from this.
It felt so wrong.
Every thing about this day was wrong.
How could the sun shine so brightly on the day that we were to bury the one person I had told I loved?
How could the flowers bloom with such sweet scents?
The black mourning dress felt so wrong on me, like the silk folds were trying to suffocate me. The chiffon necklace around my neck felt heavy, like the prison chain from Azkaban.
“Roxanne...” George whispered into my ear.
Slowly, I opened my eyes, just in time to see them lowering the white coffin into the ground.
I felt my knees give way as I crumpled against George, crying into his arms.
“It’s okay to cry, Roxanne. It’s okay.” George wrapped his arms around me, tears falling from his eyes.

‘It’s over now,
Our time ran out.’

A Phoenix's Love: Chapter Three: The Winter Affair

2011-04-02T14:15:00.003+08:00

Disclaimer: Bro, none of the stuff from Harry Potter are mine. They're on a loan from J.K. Rowling who owns all rights. The song this story is based on is by All Time Low, 'A Party Song'. Thank you. (:

‘I took an oath but I’m giving it up,
You didn’t have to do things my way,
Nothing more than a casual fuck,
Isn’t that just how we operate?’

They say, no two snowflakes are identical. Like a human DNA, each has its own unique pattern and shape. But how could you tell? When all the snowflakes gather together to create a blanket of snow?
Snow that covers everything, from the rooftops to the ground, to the highest lamppost even the dog kennel isn’t spared.
Everything is white.
A symbol of purity and serenity.
The picture doesn’t last long, because soon after the pure white snowy pavements of the streets of Hogsmeade becomes dark grey with slush where students and villagers alike trudged through, eager to get out of the cold and into the comforting hug of warmth.
The serenity is broken by the sound of high-pitched laughter as students bewitched snowballs to magically fly through the air and hit an unwary passerby. Night time was filled with Christmas carols, sung by the magical wreaths that hung on practically every door and drunken merriment as customers spilled out of the Three Broomsticks.

It was the last day of school and Harry had dragged us to Hogsmeade using a hidden passageway on the Marauder’s Map. He wanted to get some last minute Christmas present for Dobby the house-elf before heading to The Burrow where we’ve been invited to spend Christmas as usual.
Hermione practically leapt at the idea, wanting to buy presents not only for Dobby but for every single house-elf in Hogwarts.

“Hermione, are you mental? There’s got to be at least three hundred of them working here.” Ron exclaimed.
At least that put some sense into her.

“Are you getting Marc anything?” Hermione asked me as I toyed with some liquorice wands inside the local sweetshop, Honeydukes.
“Uhm. No, I don’t think so.” I replied absently, going through my favourite sugar quills, more interested in the new flavours than what Hermione was saying.
“Why not?” Hermione questioned. “You were so eager about him in the beginning. What’s gone wrong?”
“Nothing’s gone wrong. We... Okay, he, decided that it would be better to remain friends.” I picked up a deluxe version of the sugar quill in Butterbeer flavour.
“What? Why?” Hermione continued, shocked.

“Look Hermione,” I clutched the candy in my hand. “Can we please not discuss this now? I know you’re my best friend and everything and you have every entitlement to annoy me but this really isn’t the time because honestly, I’ve been asking that myself. And I really don’t want to go knocking on that door and start coming up with answers like maybe, I have some sort of anti-guy charm on me, or I’m just destined to remain single all my life and live alone with twenty-seven cats and a mad teapot that can talk. Sooner or later I’m going to start reading tea leaves and predicting Harry’s death for the three thousandth time.”

“Please don’t.” Harry interrupted. “One mad woman at a time is bad enough. I don’t need to hear it from my best friend as well.” He glanced at Hermione. “Let’s go get some Butterbeer next. I think we all need a bit of a drink. To celebrate Roxanne’s freedom.”

I smiled my first genuine smile of the day and clipped Harry’s ear affectionately.

~*~

The breeze caressed my cheek, cold fingers on my porcelain cheek. The camp bed felt soft against the curve of my back as I stared up at the ceiling of Ginny’s bedroom. I could make out the shadowy corners, the moonlight that danced across the wooden rafters. A few dust particles hung suspended in mid-air, causing a sparkle like miniature stars. The soft shallow breathings of Hermione and Ginny pierced the otherwise silence of the room, lost in their own dreamlands of myths and possibilities. I rolled onto my side, sitting up with my hair dishevelled. My throat itched, craving for the coolness that only water could provide. Silently crossing the bedroom, I opened the door and disappeared into the impending darkness.

The staircase creaked beneath the soles of my feet and I couldn’t help but smile as I gripped the wooden stair frame. Mr. Weasley and his ingenuous ideas, no one else would be able to charm their houses to have extra floors and rooms. No one sane would have even attempted it but he made them work.
Unbelievably.
As I descended, I could hear the sound of the family ghoul clattering about in the attic, howling incoherent ramblings. I could hear the soft scratching of the mice as they raced through the hidden holes in the walls. Somewhere in the distant, an owl hooted, probably Hedwig on her way back from one of her nightly midnight snacks. It was nearly three in the morning and I was surprised to see light emitting from the living room. The orange and yellow hues danced with the black darkness with electrifying speed as if it was alive with power. I stood still for a moment, entranced by the delicate movement. Ever so slowly, aware of my own shallow breathings, I peeked into the living room, slightly afraid of what I might find. Years of being best friends with Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger had thought me to be weary at even the slightest of unusual activities. After all, you never knew when you were about to be transported to your death by a seemingly harmless hairbrush. A nasty flashback crept into my mind, of the time when I had watched Cedric Diggory die in front of my own eyes.
Revulsion shuddered through my body, as I recalled the way the light went out of his eyes.
All at once, I was transported to the graveyard once more.
The dank smelling earth, the crumbled tombstones like jagged teeth from a fabled monster.
Those red pupils, that horrible snake-like face...
I hadn’t realise that someone was holding my shoulders, his face only inches away from mine.
“Roxanne, are you okay?” A voice filled with concern. Those dark brown eyes that watched every tremble of my body.
“I...” I helpless watched as he, Voldemort, tied Harry up against the tombstone surrounded by Death Eaters. Their horrible skull masks inking a tattoo of fear into my senses. “I...” My lips stuttered, unable to pronounce the words.
Fred guided me into the living room, quickly grabbing the patchwork quilt from the sofa and wrapped it tightly around my shoulders.
“You’re in shock.” He told me as he sat me down in front of the roaring fire.
It was as if the sudden heat from the fire kicked away my nightmare of a flashback and brought me straight back to reality.
I wasn’t in the graveyard and I wasn’t surrounded by Death Eaters who were ready to kill me with the carelessness as sneezing.
I was in The Burrow’s living room with Fred Weasley who seemed to be rubbing my back reassuringly.
“Here.” He thrust a silver flask into my hands which felt cool given the warmth of the fire. “Drink this. You’ll feel better.”
Without a second thought, I unscrewed the cover and tilted the contents of the flask with a jerk of my head.
The liquid scorched my oesophagus causing me to splutter and cough.
“Whoa there... Slowly.” Fred reprimanded, his hand over mine. “It’s Firewhisky.”
The Firewhisky travelled to my stomach, leaving a fiery path in its wake. Slowly, it ebbed into the rest of my body spreading a sort of calm warmth, like a comforting hug.

“You want to talk about why you’re lurking in the hallway at three in the morning?” Fred asked after a while. I had been staring pensively into the fire, shaking away the last wisps of the flashback that was still clinging to the edge of my thoughts.
“I wasn’t lurking.” I retorted. “I was thirsty. Then...” I trailed away, toying with the flask that was still in my hands. In the glow of the fire, I could just make out the lion insignia on the flask. It’s teeth were barred, mane wild as if ready to attack its vulnerable prey.
“What happened there? You went into some sort of shock.” Fred stated.
It was then I realised how close he was sitting to me. I could feel the softness of his sweater against my bare arm, I was only wearing a hunter green T-shirt and a pair of three quarter pyjama pants with little cartoon hearts on them.
“I...I had a flashback. Of...of the night Voldemort returned.” I said quietly.
Fred gave a little shudder when I said Voldemort’s name. “What...triggered the flashback?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess... The mere thought that he’s growing stronger. It...It scares me.”
“Roxanne...What happened that night?” Fred asked me.
I closed my eyes. “Fred...I’d rather not-...”
“Please.” He insisted. “I...I want to know.”
“I...Vold-... He was interested in me.”
“How so?”
“Fred, have you ever heard of the Mayflower?” I asked him abruptly.
“The Mayflower? Was this in History of Magic? Because I’ve never really bothered to pay attention in that class.” Fred stated.
I smiled a little. “I guess I should’ve known that. The Mayflower was said to be one of the earliest ships to dock at America. Known as the New World back then. It was just a little before the French revolution. My family...Being pure-bloods, can be traced all the way there. Voldemort... He wanted to turn me into a Death Eater. He had a feeling he would be able to interest me in becoming one and after all, he didn’t want to waste the blood of a pure-blood, especially one as old and grand as mine. He didn’t get a chance to explain it though. Harry regained consciousness again at that time. He was of course more interested with experimenting with his own newly acquired body and was eager to duel with Harry.” I shook my head, laughing shakily. “If he hadn’t been so impatient, if he hadn’t challenged Harry to a duel. He would have probably gotten me to turn into a Death Eater and that would be a faith worse than death.”
“No he wouldn’t.” Fred replied fiercely. “You’re too strong-willed for that.”
“At that point in my life, I honestly don’t know what I’d do.”
“No.” Fred insisted. “I know you. You won’t.”
I didn’t bother to argue instead I fell into silence, playing with the flask in my hands, the weight comforting.

“What are you doing sitting alone in the living room anyway? Too busy thinking about stock prices you couldn’t sleep?” I asked after a veil of silence shrouded us for a couple of moments.
Fred smiled clearly amused, sending a tingling sensation through my body. That smile. That slow slanty smile.
“Thankfully, no. Weasleys’ Wizarding Wheezes is doing just spectacularly.”
I didn’t miss the pride that hinted itself in his eyes and felt myself swelling with pleasure.
“I’m glad you chased your dreams, Fred. It was a risk but you took it. You damn well grabbed it and flew off into the sunset with it. Literally.” I grinned, remembering the way Fred and George had escaped Filch and Umbridge’s clutches the year before.
Fred chuckled. “Yeah, we did.”
“So what are you doing up? Reminiscing your Hogwarts days?” I teased.
Fred smiled, this time there was a touch of sadness to it and shrugged. “I...I guess you’re right.”
“What do you mean?”

“Roxanne...I...” Fred paused, running a hand through his lustrous ginger hair. “I guess I’m starting to realise how meaningless my life in Hogwarts had been. Almost...futile...”
“What?! Fred... You’re one of the greatest pranksters ever to have walked the halls of Hogwarts. Besides Harry’s dad and well you know, Sirius. The Marauders. But you’ve left practically a legacy in your wake. Did you know, that from the moment you and George left...It was like pure mania at Hogwarts? Everyone wanted to fill your shoes. A day wouldn’t go by without someone releasing some sort of Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes fireworks in class. Or fainting from your Fainting Fancies and puking from one of your Puking Pastilles. It was complete mayhem.” I exclaimed.
“I’m not talking about the pranks, Roxanne.” Fred’s voice came out hard. As if he was holding back something... Almost as if he was... Remorseful.

“So...So what is it?” I asked quietly, afraid to intrude but all the while, curious.
Curiosity led me to the Mirror of Erised in my first year of Hogwarts which then eventually made me lead Harry to it.
Curiosity led me to figure out where the Philospher’s Stone had been hidden.
Curiosity had made me drink Polyjuice Potion in my second year and had nearly gotten me killed in my third year by Professor Lupin who had turned into a deranged werewolf when the full moon had made its faithful appearance.
Curiosity had brought me to the graveyard where I watched the re-birth of the core of my nightmares, Lord Voldemort.
And curiosity had brought me right to where I was sitting right now.
Curiosity, I’m beginning to learn, is like the puppet master.
First it gently pulls on the strings of your consciousness, slowly embedding that thought in your mind. After a while, the tugging grows stronger, until it becomes an irresistible urge, gnawing away at every thought that forms in your mind. Then with a great heave, curiosity controls your movements, pulling on each string of consciousness with the expertise and the delicacy of a ringmaster, leading you into a false pretence that you’re making the decisions on your own, when you’ve actually already fallen on your hands and knees as a servant. Bent to its every will and whim, you seek to satisfy that craving hunger inside of you steering you into doing things that would normally send you running away.
With a normal state of mind would stop your insistent prying and save what was left of your logic.
But you gave in to curiosity, giving it the power to thrive and rejoice.
Now you are a slave to it.
A slave to your own curiosity.

Fred cleared his throat and I was brought back out of my thoughts.
I had almost forgotten about him.
“I feel like I’ve been wasting my time in Hogwarts chasing after the wrong person. Do you realise how many couples in today’s society, started off in school?” Fred asked me.
“Uhh... Yeah. There’re your parents for example. And Harry’s Mum and Dad. Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. Bellatrix and Rudolphus Lestrange. Bill and Fleur are getting married too. Even though Fleur didn’t actually go to Hogwarts but they met on Hogwarts grounds. I don’t know if that counts.” I babbled.
Fred nodded his head. “Precisely. And well... I just think... Maybe I made the wrong choice. Alicia... She was nice and all but I realised that she never truly appreciated me. She wasn’t really interested when I told her about my dreams for the joke shop, laughing it off as ‘a dream of a prankster’ and expected me to... I don’t know. Get some real job like Dad at the Ministry or something. She well, she never really understood me at all really. I guess, I was more entranced by having a pretty girl on my arm... Sort of like a waifish lost angel, you know? All blonde hair and blue eyes. It... It obscured the real picture.”
“Fred... I really don’t know where you’re going with this but you sound really out of it.” I said, putting the silver flask aside.
I tried to sit up but he pulled me by the wrist, forcing me back onto the sofa.
“No, Roxanne. Listen. Because... Because Alicia had obscured the picture... I couldn’t see the dark beauty in it. The gorgeous dark hair... Eyes so green like a magical forest that’s only been told about in legends and myths... The pure bravery of a Gryffindor lioness and the understanding and intelligence... I couldn’t see all that.” Fred was looking directly into my eyes now. “It took me a while but George finally made me see it.” He looked away from me this time.
“He loves you a lot you know.” Fred murmured quietly.

This bit of information sent me reeling.
“What?” I asked. “Fred...” I laughed nervously. “Fred...I honestly think you’ve had too much Firewhisky and you don’t know what you’re talking about...”
“I do!” Fred grabbed hold of both my wrists, shocking me to my wits end.
His eyes bored into mine, desperate to make me believe him. “I do. I do know what I’m talking about.” Sincerity practically radiated from the planes of his face. “Please...” His grip slowly loosened around my wrist. “George loves you. As my twin, he saw something in me that I couldn’t see for myself. The fact is... I’ve always loved you.” Fred grinned as if it he had just cracked a disturbingly hard ancient code and was amazed at how simple the solution actually was. “I’ve always cared about you.” He continued, on a roll now. “I’ve always known that fact but I deluded myself. I’ve wasted all that time when I could’ve been with you. Can’t you see what I mean by futile? All that time carelessly thrown away when I could’ve...” Fred closed his eyes, letting go of my wrists. “When I could’ve been with you.” He finished softly. When he opened his eyes once more, it was glassy with unshed tears of regret and sorrow. When he spoke again, the words came out with the air of someone who had been sentenced to the Dementor’s Kiss.
“Now...” He said shakily. “You-Know-Who is back and I don’t know how long either of us have at being alive.”

It was as if the air had been squeezed out of my lungs.
The shudder of reality, racking through my body, shaking me horribly with Fred’s words resounding in my ears.
“No. No, no, no. You’re wrong.” My mouth began to say.
Fred looked at me an incredulous look painted all over his face. “What are you talking about Roxanne? It’s true. You’ve seen it with your own eyes. You’ve seen how easy it is they kill someone. Cedric Diggory! Sirius...” Fred uttered his name softly knowing full well that I had been in that duel when Sirius had fallen through the veil.
“And so what?” I asked heatedly. “Even if it means I’m going to die tomorrow, you’re just going to sit here and let me slip away? Fred, I don’t think George has thought you enough then. If you...” I swallowed. “If you truly care... It wouldn’t matter if we had only 2 minutes left together. It’s that one moment that counts. That one moment when all you have is each other and everything else in the world just ceases to exist.”
I stopped, realising that my breathings had gotten harsher and harsher.
The electricity was in the silence, shocking us both to what had been there all along.
I pulled away first, unable to stare into those eyes any longer.
“I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. It doesn’t matter anyway. You’re right. We’re going to die soon anyway and life is just one big meaningless-...”

Fred pressed his forefinger against my lips, silencing me.
“Don’t. Don’t say it.” Fred’s face was dangerously close to mine. “You’re right.” He smiled. “I should do it. Just live in the moment and keep on hoping. Because hope is all you have right? That’s the only thing we’ve got until this war is over. I should just... Trust this.” His face was closer now.
“Fred... You’ve had too much to drink.” I tried to push him away but deep down...
I know I didn’t want to.
“No. I didn’t even touch that flask.” Fred murmured before closing the distance between us.

‘Let’s drink to feelings of temptation,
You and I,
We’re an overnight sensation.’

A Phoenix's Love: Chapter Two: The Story of Two Parallel Lines

2011-03-30T21:19:00.003+08:00

Disclaimer: Once more, I don't own anything remotely Harry Potter. All are hereby rights of J.K. Rowling and her outstanding imagination. Song fiction based on All Time Low's, 'A Party Song'. Thank youssss.

‘Don’t sweat it,
Forget it,
Everything is a-okay,
Just let it go then it’s off to find another face-...’

His name was Marc Wolfe.
We met in the park opposite my town house.
He was the new kid on the block, his family purebloods from Transylvania.
He even looked like a modern day vampire. With his dark curling hair, even darker eyes, pale complexion and thin red lips.
Was this it? The end of my five year infatuation with Fred Weasley?
It was the summer between our fifth and sixth year.
Mrs. Weasley had sent me a letter via owl post expressing that she would be only delighted to have me over for the last two weeks of summer since Harry and Hermione were there as well. My parents had agreed to let me go, giving their consent all too easily since they had been friends with Molly and Arthur Weasley since they had been in Hogwarts together.

“When are you leaving?” Marc asked me. Sitting on the swings, the night air was cool against my skin despite the summer heat. Above us, the stars twinkled in the distance, a full silver moon completing the scene.
‘I wonder how Professor Lupin is doing...’ I wondered wildly, thinking about his werewolf condition instead of focusing on Marc’s question. I didn’t want to think about leaving. And I really didn’t want to think about going to The Burrow. Not yet.
“Roxanne?”
“Mmm?”
“You’re leaving tomorrow aren’t you?” Marc asked.
“Yeah. I am.” I answered, swinging slowly, scuffing my Converse sneakers against the ground.
“Do you have to? I mean, I’ll be leaving for the Academy... I won’t get to see you until Christmas.”
Maybe I forgot to mention to him that I’m hardly around during Christmas due to the fact that Mrs. Weasley insists my family stay over at The Burrow and Marc goes to the Wizarding Academy located at the heart of New York City, all the way in America.
“It’s a...tradition.” I replied slowly. “My best friends and I... We’re really close.”
Marc’s face showed his unhappiness but he didn’t broach the subject again.
“If it helps, I’ll be thinking of you.” I smiled at him.
“I know. I’ll be thinking of you too.” He smiled back.

~*~

‘I’ll make you come just to watch you leave,
You walk around with my heart on your sleeve,
Don’t sweat it, it’s over now,
Our time ran out...’

I arrived at The Burrow the next night, landing adversely onto their hearthrug since I had been travelling by Floo powder. I hated travelling by the Floo network, it made me dizzy, you’ll always end up breathing in ash no matter how much you hold your breath and there doesn’t seem to be a way for you to land perfectly at the other end of the fireplace without looking like you’ve just been starring in some physically-challenged ballet rehearsal with poorly coordinated arms and legs. Mrs. Weasley quickly waved her wand, ridding me of the stubborn ashes that clung to my clothes and smiled beguilingly as she hugged me tightly.
“The others are fast asleep. They were expecting you much earlier than this. Why don’t you carry on upstairs to Ginny’s room? Hermione is in there as well. You’ll see Ron and Harry in the morning.” Mrs. Weasley gently pushed me in the direction of the stairs.
I nodded, too tired to think of anything else.
When I laid my head onto the pillow, the last of Mrs. Weasley’s words were still spinning in my mind, “Fred amd George are here as well darling. They’d be delighted to see you. They’ve been asking about you all summer.”
Sure, they were.

~*~

The air smelt like honeysuckle, sweet and sharp, as I sat on the ground unperturbed that I was ruining the seat of my new Levi’s with dirt. The field grew in tall stems all around me so that I was completely hidden between them. Harry, Ron and Ginny were playing Quidditch in the orchard which was walking distance from where I was sitting reading my book. Hermione had joined them too, in some poor attempt to understand the game.
I had been busy watching the gnomes wrestle in the distance that I didn’t realise someone had been creeping up on me.
“Hey.” A familiar voice uttered, jerking me from my own amusement.
I looked up and God, there were those dark brown eyes again, like melted chocolate chip.
“What are you doing here?” Sounding more hostile than I intended to.
“I was wondering where you’d gotten off to. The others are playing Quidditch. Surprised you’re not there with them.” Fred replied casually sitting down beside me. “I can see the appeal though. The sunset’s beautiful today.”
He was right of course. The skies were streaked with orange, pink, red and purple. The sun a great big fiery ball in front of us, slowly setting and pulling night along after it.
“Mmm...It’s always beautiful.” I replied nonsensically, looking back down at my book although I couldn’t read the words anymore. They were all jumbled up together, haphazardly mashed like some sort of mutated centipede. Nothing made sense anymore. Especially the heavy thumping of my heart and the belly flops in my stomach.
“Roxanne, to be perfectly honest with you, I didn’t come out to see the sunset.” Fred said.
Oh no. Here it goes.
“You see... The thing is... George... He’s been kicking some sense into me lately. Well not lately... He does that all the time. It just this time, his words actually hit home, you know... George has a way with words. Somehow he can me make listen to him better than Mum ever could-...”

“Fred. The point?” I stopped his rambling.
He cleared his throat, embarrassed. “I..uh..Of course. Roxanne... I wanted to say I’m sorry. For the Yule Ball. You didn’t deserve it. Well actually, I don’t deserve having you be my date for that night. I should’ve realised that you are so much more than some... dumb replacement.”

I sat in silence, absorbing his words.
Oh Fred, why did you have to say this two years later?

“Roxanne?”
I looked at him.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” He asked.

I sighed, closing my book. “What do you expect me to say Fred? I accept your apology. I already did. A long time ago. Even though you never actually said it to my face.” I added, unable to refrain the strains of hurt in my voice. “But that’s over now.”
I stood up, brushing my jeans.
“Wait, Roxanne.” Fred grabbed hold of my hand, pulling me back. “I want us to start over. Please?”
I smiled sadly at him, opting to play dumb as an image of Marc flashed before my eyes.
That sweet smile of his thin lips.
The intense passion that reflected in his midnight black eyes.
The way his arms always found a way around my shoulders, wrapping a protective hug around me.
“We’ve always been friends Fred. What are you talking about?”

A Phoenix's Love: Chapter One: The Collision Theory

2011-03-29T21:37:00.001+08:00

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of Harry Potter characters or anything Harry Potter related. They belong to J.K. Rowling and I’m just a humble admirer. The story is a song-fiction based on the song ‘A Party Song (The Walk of Shame)’ by All Time Low. Song might be a little to upbeat for the story but meh. This is just a bit of fluff anyway, the angsty writer in me just wanted to write.

‘I took a walk for the very first time on the dark side of a dance floor,
Lit a match just to heat things up but I got more than I bargained for...’

I was fourteen.
Harry and Ron were busy looking for dates for the Yule Ball, successfully making complete trolls of themselves. I could smile at their ridiculous attempts while trying to catch the attention of the Beauxbaton French girls but I couldn’t help feeling disheartened.
I still didn’t have someone to go with. A date.
Even Hermione Granger had one. With Victor Krum, famous Quidditch player and Durmstrang student nonetheless.
It just made me more and more depressed.
This was all ridiculous. The whole idea of having a dance to ‘strengthen diplomatic magical affairs between schools and students’ seemed like a bogus excuse to get drunk on Butterbeer and flirt outrageously with one another.
I smirked at the idea of seeing Snape waltz around the Great Hall with some poor unsuspecting witch.
‘Well, there’s something to laugh about.’ The little voice inside my head consoled me.
I sighed irately as Hermione took her seat beside me in Charms.
“Still thinking about the Yule Ball?” Hermione asked me knowingly.
I rolled my dark green eyes impassively. “How’d you guess?”
“Someone will ask you.” She consoled me.
“Who? Neville Longbottom?” I raised an eyebrow incredulously. “All the good ones are taken.”
“Uhm...Maybe now wouldn’t be a good time for me to mention that Neville already asked Ginny to the dance.” Hermione mentioned quietly.
“WHAT?!” I exclaimed, causing every Gryffindor and Ravenclaw’s heads to turn towards me.
I flushed and averted my eyes, hastily pulling out my textbook from the sling bag that hung on my chair. “Are you telling me that Longbottom has gotten himself a date before me? Well, that’s just splendid. I am officially at the bottom of the social ladder now.”
“Oh Roxanne, stop being so melodramatic. Someone will ask you.” Hermione replied confidently as Professor Flitwick strode into class, the top of his ears barely reaching the polished oak desks.
“Oh yeah? It would probably be from the giant squid.” I muttered darkly under my breath causing Hermione to smirk.

~*~

Lunch time at the Great Hall was never my favourite. With only one hour to spare between the next class, it always made trying to eat your food without choking a huge achievement, especially on the days when the professors felt like it was a good idea to hold the class later than usual which would leave us with only half-an hour to spare before the next class would begin.
Hermione somehow had perfected this routine and was having no trouble whatsoever, in fact she was already done with her chicken sandwich. I on the other hand, was busy trying to twirl my spaghetti while trying not to simultaneously laugh at Ron’s latest story of Harry trying to persuade an unsuspecting Beauxbaton to accompany him to the ball.
“She practically ran away from him.” Ron laughed, showering the front of his robes with chicken bits.
“Alright Ron, don’t you think that’s enough?” Harry asked archly, his cheeks flushing a shade of pink.
“C’mon mate, admit it. It was hilarious.” Ron grinned.
“Not as hilarious as you asking Fleur to the dance. Or was that just one of your many fantasies influenced by too much pumpkin juice?” Harry continued sarcastically.
“You’ll see Harry. I’m going to ask her.” Ron replied confidently.
“Right. And I’m a leprechaun.” I scoffed.
“What about you Roxanne? I don’t see you with a date yet.” Ron raised an eyebrow, grinning, knowing perfectly well about my pathetic status.
“Oh shut up.” I scowled, my cheeks flushing with heat.
“Ignore him Roxanne. He just wants to feel better about himself.” Hermione said disdainfully.
“Yeah? We still haven’t heard who you’re going with. If he even exists.” Ron added.
“He does too.” I defended Hermione, knowing that I sounded like a child. “Stop being such a-...”
My words were cut short when a piece of parchment that had been charmed into a heart, landed delicately on my lap.
“What the-...” I trailed as my eyes met with a pair of dark chocolate eyes.
Fred Weasley, Ron’s older brother and famous troublemaker of Hogwarts since Sirius Black and James Potter. He was a part of a group pranksters with his twin brother, George Weasley and best friend, Lee Jordon whose sole mission seemed to be to cause as much mischief in Hogwarts as they possibly can without being expelled.
He was only a year older and probably the only Hogwarts male that I had ever had crush on.
Still do, to be perfectly honest.
He was smiling at me, that mischievous smile that had gotten him out of detention probably a hundred times or so before. That smile that had always irritated the caretaker, Filch, provoking him to find further fault with the Weasley twin.
‘Read it.’ He mouthed.
I had momentarily forgotten the parchment in my lap and blushed at my own apparent attention disorder.
‘Had I been staring at him for that long?’ I asked myself, fingers trembling visibly as I held the parchment.
The note was short, it only contained one sentence, but it brought on a whole army of butterflies in my stomach.

‘Go to the Yule Ball with me?’

~*~
It took forever to get ready, Hermione had been hogging the bathroom applying a truck load of magical hair serum to get her normally brown bushy mane into a slick waterfall down her shoulders. I stood staring at myself in the mirror. I was dressed in an exquisite dark blue Oscar de la Renta dress. It had a tight fitted tube bodice which sparkled and gleamed in the candle light of our dorm, the silk was long and trailed behind me like an inky pool of water. On my feet I was wearing the most gorgeous pair of cerulean coloured Manolo Blahniks sandals. My hair had been done into an elegant twist using magic with a black velvet ribbon and there were sparkled diamonds in my long and straight chestnut brown hair. Tendrils of it fell, giving my face a little frame. On my left wrist I was wearing a cuff bracelet from Chanel adorned with multiple cabochon stones and diamante. An uncut sapphire stone hung on a black velvet ribbon around my bare throat. All in all, I was pretty satisfied with myself.
“Hermione?” My voice echoed in the empty dorm room.
Lavender and Parvati had left earlier, excited about tonight.
“Hermione? Are you done?” I asked, sitting on my bed restlessly. Fred said he would wait in front of the Fat Lady’s portrait. I smiled happily despite myself and felt like the butterflies in my stomach were having a rave, their wings beating like they were on steroids.
“I’m done, I’m done. Oh c’mon Roxanne, we’re late.” Hermione said, flustered as she hastily slid her feet into a pair of dark pink pumps.
“Aye, aye, captain.” I giggled, rushing after her pale pink clad figure.

“They’ve outdone themselves on this one, haven’t they?” Fred asked.
I was clinging to his arm, awestruck by the beauty of the Great Hall. “It’s beautiful.” I breathed.
Fred smiled at me, “Care for a dance?”
I smiled back. “Of course.”

The Yule Ball was a blur of colours, amazing music, sumptuous food and finely brewed Butterbeer.
All too soon, it was over.
Fred’s arm was around my shoulders and we were walking one last time across the castle’s courtyard. All around us were bushes that were alighted with real fairies, shining their multicoloured light in the dark, setting a romantic ambience. In the dark shadowy corners, couples were making out or quietly talking, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears.
“I had a great time.” I whispered quietly.
“Yeah, me too.” Fred replied.
We walked in comfortable silence after that, my hand in his, feeling the warmth that radiated from him.
“Fred, could I ask you something?” I asked all of a sudden, breaking the silence between us.
“Mmmhm?” He glanced at me.
We were walking back to the Gryffindor tower, it was nearly one in the morning and practically everyone had gone back to their own respective dormitories.
My heart was beating a fierce tattoo against my ribcage, a sick twisted feeling wrapped itself in my stomach.
“Why did you ask me to the Yule Ball?”
There, I said it. I felt oddly exposed, like I was naked.
Fred’s muscles stiffened at the question, as if what I had asked something offensive about his family.
“Why do you ask?” He countered, smiling a little.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just...Sudden. We weren’t close. Despite spending a couple Christmases and summers at The Burrow.”
“Yeah, well... You are Ron’s best friend. We have some sort of connection.” Fred pointed out, his ginger hair falling into his eyes.
I smiled, gently pushing his hair away for him. “I know.”
We reached the Fat Lady’s portrait and she regarded us with an amused expression on her face.
“Mr. Weasley... Weren’t you with Miss Spinnet last night?” The Fat Lady asked.
That was when I understood why that sick feeling had settled in my stomach earlier.
Abruptly, a flashback appeared before my eyes, reminding me of a time when Ron had told me about Fred’s infatuation with Alicia Spinnet. The blonde Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team that was in Fred’s year.
I swallowed hard, plastering a fake smile on my face as Fred answered her easily, “You must have had me mistaken. That was George. And the password is water pixie, if you don’t mind.”
“There’s no need to be rude.” The Fat Lady replied, hostile and swung open.
We stepped into the common room just to find it empty, the lingering smell of intermixed perfumes hung heavily in the air, the fire glowing to its last embers.
“So?” I asked, glancing at Fred.
Fred raised an eyebrow questioningly. “So what?”
“You never answered my question.” I pointed out.
Fred chuckled, avoiding looking at me. “You really don’t want to ask that Roxanne.”
A cold spear pierced through my heart and I felt the oncoming bad news just itching to push that spear in further.
“Why is that?” I asked coldly.
“I’ll put it this way.” Fred looked at me. “Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies. I had a great time. Goodnight Roxanne.” He leant down and kissed my forehead, filling my senses up with his cologne for one more minute before disappearing up the flight of stairs that lead to the boys dormitory.
Tears of confusion filled up my eyes as the perfect night crumbled before me.

‘Mixed drinks,
Mixed feelings of elation,
I should’ve known it was a one night invitation.’

~*~

“He must have meant something else. Maybe he was just embarrassed that George was out with Alicia.” Hermione said trying to cheer me up the next day.
“Hermione, for one, he lied about George with Alicia. George was in the hospital wing the night before because he drank a spiked pumpkin juice that Lee Jordon had given him by accident. It was suppose to be for that Slytherin Captain. Whatever his name was. This, I overheard from Lavender whose younger sister is dating Lee. Secondly, ‘ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies’. What sort of reply is that when you ask someone why they randomly decided to take you to the most anticipated event of the year?” I asked evenly, trying my best to keep all emotions in check as I carefully slid out a heavy leather bound book from the shelf entitled, ‘Consult The Dark Arts’.
We were sitting in the library working on the three-foot long essay that Professor Moody had set for our homework.
“So what are you trying to suggest?” Hermione asked, following me back to our table.
I sighed. “I honestly don’t know, Hermione. I’m tired of thinking about it. I spent all night looking for answers to the questions. Then I realised something,” I paused uncertainly, toying with the long feathered quill in my hand.
Hermione raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue.
“I don’t want to know the answers.”

~*~

The days passed but I barely noticed. My time was spent on helping Harry with the Triwizard egg while simultaneously trying to keep Hermione and Ron’s friendship intact. Ron was still angry with Hermione for going to the Yule Ball with Viktor Krum.

“You’re fraternising with the enemy.” He hissed. That was when an all out argument broke out and they had stopped speaking to each other ever since.

Sometimes it felt like I was suffocating. I would catch a glimpse of Fred in the common room or in the Great Hall, laughing and joking with George and Lee Jordon, without so much as a glance in my direction. It was like I never existed and the Yule Ball had just been a figment of my imagination. But I ignored him. Or at least I tried to. I thought I was doing pretty okay until George cornered me in the hallway one day as I was hurrying to Herbology.

“George, get out of my way. I’m going to be late.” I tried to sidestep him but he was a head taller than me and had much longer legs, practically road blocking the corridor for me.
“We need to talk.” George stated seriously.
“You’re going to break up with me?” I asked sarcastically, trying to get past him. I didn’t want to look at him. He was a spitting image of Fred. Right down to the last freckle. Damn them for being twins.
“Look, Roxanne. I know Fred hurt you.” George held my shoulders, trapping me.
“That’s an understatement.” I mumbled.
“I’m sorry. I know he can be a prat. But it’s not his fault.” George said.
I gave him an incredulous look.
“Okay, maybe it is.” He said hastily. “But listen... He’s still not over with the fact that Alicia is dating that Durmstrang guy-...”
“Oh, so that’s why he asked me to the ball? To get over Alicia Spinnet?” I asked my voice dripping with venom. “I’m sorry that I’m not tall, blonde and bimbo but I’m glad he was happy with using me as a replacement with no disregard for my feelings whatsoever.”
I got out of his hold and continued making my way down the corridor towards the wooden door that led to the Hogwarts grounds.
“Roxanne!” George called after me.
I glanced over my shoulder, eyes stinging with the tears that threatened to fall down.
“Do you have feelings for him?”
“I honestly wish I didn’t.” A tear fell from my eye before I could hide it. I turned back and ran all the way to the greenhouse, throwing all my calm composure out the window.

Ron strode into Herbology with three minutes to spare and plunked down beside me.
“Are you going to tell me what happened?” He suddenly asked.
I looked at him silently and then continued to drown myself in my silence. Hermione had moved to sit with Ernie MacMillan because she was still not over her fight with Ron.
Ron sighed. “Honestly, I don’t understand you lot. How is giving the cold shoulder a good way to solving your problems?”
“It’s to stop ourselves from saying something we might regret. Like using the Unforgivable Curse.” I replied dryly.
“You know, I might be forced to agree with that.” Harry said.
“Alright. Point made. Do you want to hear what I have to say?” Ron asked me.
I shrugged. “If it’s concerning your brother, I’d rather not.”
“Well then you’re going to have to hear it anyway because it might help you solve this one for me.” Ron continued.
I heaved a sigh. “What is it?”
“George just went up to Fred and punched him.” Ron stated.
“He WHAT?” Harry exclaimed.
“Sshh!” I whacked his arm as the entire class turned our way, Hermione’s eyebrows knotted together as she frowned in our direction.
“I know mate. I nearly had a heart attack myself. I thought it was a Slytherin, you know, disguised as George or something. But then I realised that none of them are smart enough to brew a Polyjuice potion so I figured...It really was George. Did you say something to him Roxanne?” Ron directed his pale blue eyes onto me.
A cold wave hit me as if I had been doused in iced water. “I...I don’t know. I mean... He stopped me in the corridor earlier on...”
“And?” Harry pressed.
“And what? He was apologising for Fred’s behaviour. I didn’t say anything else to him that might provoke him to punch Fred.” I answered testily.
“Alright, alright, don’t have to get your knickers all in a bunch. Anyway, Fred’s got this nasty black eye now.” Ron continued unable to sense my growing unease with the conversation.
“Nothing Madam Pomfrey couldn’t fix.” Harry said as Professor Sprout came in, her mud-splattered face grinning as she proceeded in instructing the class to don our dragon hide gloves.

~*~

Is This As Good As It Gets?

2011-03-27T20:06:00.004+08:00

'People always say they love each other. But they don't show it. Words are so easy. Cheap. But the proof?' - My Dad.

Well Dad, that's easy to say.
I've done nothing but that.
Believe me.

Did you honestly think I went to MRSM for my own reasons?
Maybe I did.
Maybe I wanted to help myself and for my own selfish reasons, I left home.

But it had always been because Mum 'consoled' me to.
She wanted it.
Honestly?
I had turned it down.
When I heard it was all the way in Sabah. Every fibre in my body said no.

But I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Didn't want to crush her hopes to see me graduate from a boarding school.
So I went.
Maybe she only had my best interest at heart. But I would have gladly turned them away.

Those 8A's in my SPM?
That was for you.
Those 7A's in my PMR?
The 5A's in my UPSR?

It had always been for YOU.

I worked myself to the bones. Forcing myself to stay awake at night. All those extra classes. All that time in tuition.
It was just so I could make you proud of me.
I wanted to show you that you didn't need to have another family to find happiness.

I wanted to prove to you that THIS FAMILY, MY FAMILY is enough for you.

I kept myself together, tried to stop my bleeding heart...
By fooling myself into an illusion that if I could just...Just prove it to you.

You'd come home.

Maybe it was a stupid dream. Built on too much hope.

If only you could see the pain that I go through.
Every day I wake up, pretending to myself that this would be the day you come home.

Every time I see you with her, a part of me dies inside.
Every day, it grows smaller and smaller.

People think that I have everything.
The perfect results, the perfect opportunity to go overseas to further my studies...

The only reason I want to study overseas anymore is just so I can get away from it all.
From the sadness of my once happy home.
The pain that I see every day, carefully hidden behind the lines.
I can stop breathing the same air that leads to the hatred in my soul.

I want to go for a walk.
Just an endless walk to nowhere.
Sometimes, I don't care where I end up anymore.
I just want to leave.
I can't stand it anymore.
Banging my head against the wall, the four pillars of our home.

I cried.
I told you I miss you.
You said you missed me too.

SO WHY DON'T YOU COME HOME?!

I'm tired of avoiding the problem.
When every day, the problem squeezes my heart with cruel unrelenting fingers.
Forever reminding me of the deformity of my own home.

Every time I see someone on holiday with their family.
Having dinner.
Going to the movies.

It just kicks me where it hurts the most.
A harsh reminder of the past.

I'll see our pictures together.
Those happy moments frozen in time.
Were they just a dream?
A hallucination which disappeared like wisps of smoke into oblivion?

I want to scream until my lungs BLEED.
I want to punch the walls until my knuckles BREAK.
I want to break myself so that I don't have to see this pain anymore.

But I don't.

Because deep down in my very recesses of my heart.
I love you.
I love you both very much.

So I pretend everything is okay.
I pretend that I'm normal.
That I'm excited about my results.
That I may get the scholarship to study overseas.

I laugh.
I love.
I hope.

Because it's all I have.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

I'm No Angel, I'm Not Forsaken But I Can Bleed!

2011-03-24T18:41:00.004+08:00

Dear Life,

Please get some theme music.

Sincerely,
My life would be so much more epic.

Hi errrrbody!

It's been a while but I think my Twitter updates might have left some cookie crumbs for you guys to follow my whereabouts lately.
(;

Anyway, as everyone knows, SPM results were released yesterday (equivalent to GSCE to those in the UK and SATs to the ones in the US).
I didn't bother to fly all the way to Sabah where my boarding school is because Malaysia's 'awesome' *coughcough* government couldn't make up their minds when the official release date would be therefore making me unable to book my flight earlier.

Don't get your Spongebob boxers in a twist, I'll get to the part of the results soon.
Well, I'm pretty proud of myself. Considering on what my trial results were like...
=/

But...

I PROVED THEM WRONG.

Oh revenge tastes so SO SWEET.

After all the taunts of, 'just-because-you-can-speak-English-fluent-doesn't-mean-that-you're-smart-as-us' , after all the emotional breakdowns, after being isolated and thrown into a ditch...

I crawled through.
Now I can proudly dance around in my pink boxers and my 'I Kissed A Vampire And I Liked It' T-shirt singing, 'Ticket Outta Loserville' by Son of Dork at the top of my voice.

Alright, alright.
I got 8A's and 1B+. I took 9 subjects in total.
4A+ (English, BM, History and Mathematics), 1A (Religion Studies), 3A- (Additional Mathematics, Physics and Biology) and the B+ was Chemistry.

Well, despite the great results. I've been reminding myself not to float around too much in the clouds. Because there are loads more people out there who did better than me and we'll all be fighting for one thing that matters the most: A scholarship overseas.

So I'm in the run. Fighting with all I've got and debating like I've never debated before...
Because I made a promise to my ten year old self.

I will study overseas. No matter what happens. No matter what they say. I'll prove it that I'm good enough. I'll prove it to them all.

Trust me baby, I so will.
(:

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

I Took An Oath But I'm Giving It Up, You Didn't Have To Do Things My Way...

2011-03-18T17:43:00.004+08:00

I feel like the hospital ward in Damansara Specialist has become my second room.
Mummy is doing fine, she's doing physio now so she'll be able to walk on her own without the walking frame pretty soon. *fingers crossed*

Anyway, pretty much been listening to pick me up songs from the All Time Low and Adam Lambert variety. Its saddening when most of your friends are in college but you.
Then again, it hurts even more when they think that I have the means to do so but I'm just being lazy and not applying.

Let me make this clear once more:
If I had the money to get me all the way to the UK and do my freaking A-levels there, I would have left in December 2010.

But unlike some, I don't have the money. So have opted to wait for results to be released officially and wait for scholarship offers. At least then I'd have the satisfaction that they would be offering me a place based on my results and not because of the amount of money my parents have stashed in some bank.

No offence meant of course, but this really pisses me off. I wouldn't have said all this if someone could manage to keep their opinions to themselves and not be so crass about it.

Anyway, on a much lighter note... Sash and I are planning to get ourselves down under when May rolls around. Myra would be in National Service by then which is a complete bummer but I wish her all the luck. You'll never forget the experience, trust me.
We shall get you something from Aussie if Sash and I do manage to get there.
We'll visit you as often as possible (depending on where your camp is of course!).

Reason for the great travel?
YouMeAtSix will be playing at Newcastle, Australia on Sash's birthday and that would be just the most epic birthday present ever.
(;

I hate to cut the post short BUT...
Fish and chips are calling my name out.
YUM.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

If My Stupid Poem Could Fix This Home, I'd Read It Everyday

2011-03-15T20:12:00.003+08:00

What happened Mum and Dad?
What happened?

What happened that made everything fall apart?

I'm tired.

So tired of pretending.
Does anyone honestly think I'm happy?
Does everyone believe that facade I put on to show that I'm strong?

I'm not.

I need my parents. I need my family.

Why is everything so wrong between the two of you?

So many questions spinning around in my head, it's all a blur. But I can never find the answers to these questions.
I've asked. I've been patient. But patience can only take me so far before I eventually jump off the cliff into the asylum of my dark thoughts.

I can't stand it anymore. Every night, I pray for you both. I pray that it will all be better come morning.
I pray for happiness.
For the love that was once shared.

My heart breaks every time I come across an old family picture.

Full of smiles and laughter.

Where has that time gone?
Engulfed in history?

I'm sick of being the rope between you both.
I'm tired of being no man's ground.
I hate being torn between you both.

My sisters don't understand.
Their too young.
But I do.
I don't tell you how much it affects me.
But if you could see...

If only you both could see...

How vulnerable I am.
How fragile I really am.
How I long to be the family we used to be.
How I spend nights crying alone wishing against all hope that everything will just be okay.

I talked to you both.
I tried to make you both see sense.
Will you ever?

It's not my place.
I'm only a child in your eyes.
I'm not anymore.

If only you both would realise.

I want to scream.
I want to tear myself to pieces just so I don't have to feel this pain anymore.
I'm tired of treading on eggshells around you both.
I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of playing masquerade.

I can't think anymore.
I want to shake the both of you by the shoulders and make you face the reality of what I've become.
The daughter that only wants her family back.

Is that too much to ask?

The Future's Just A Few Heartbeats Away From Disaster

2011-03-14T16:18:00.003+08:00

Ever had to fit a group of people containing around ten 18 year olds into just a piece of A4 paper?
Ever had to run around a giant sized lake wearing army boots?
Ever watched a locker fly right in front of you?
Ever had a bruise because you banged into a gazebo?

Ah, the epitome of National Service. Well except for the last one, that was my mistake.
(;
Maybe it's just me but most of my bruises and scratches that I got had nothing to do with the activities at NS. For example, the long thin scratch at the back of my right hand?
Yeah, that was from a safety pin that I forgot to hook properly from the inside of my knapsack.
The blue-black bruise on my knee?
Because I was trying to climb onto the platform at the Alpha gazebo to hang my uniform, misjudged my step and banged my knee against the wood.

Anyway, I came home yesterday and I've been doing nothing but sleep, eat and watch a marathon of Spongebob Squarepants and The Fairly Oddparents with my sisters.
The life of a 17 going 18 year old.

SPM results are going to be released on the 23rd but I'm not going back to Sabah to go and get them. Too fussy. I'm just gonna call MRSM and ask them what my results are.
Hahaha.
In the mean time, I'm pretty much doing my own research and ultimately deciding which course to take. I'm more leaning towards the engineering sector but we'll see.

Mummy is having an operation on Wednesday to correct the bone alignment on her feet. Maybe that would explain the lack of organisation in my blog post today. I'm worried about her, really. I know it's just a minor operation and it really isn't that life threatening but every operation comes with risks... Don't they?

*sighs*

I'll try blogging again tomorrow. Maybe my nerves would be calmed down by some Friends marathon, if not my brain.

Then again, this picture made me smile.

(;

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Party Queen. Cause A Scene. So Ridiculous.

2011-02-14T02:47:00.003+08:00

This is definitely the feeling I've been having for the past week at National Service.

It's been a looooong week. As stated on my Facebook, 'It's been a long tiring week. Full of drama, attitude problems and screaming. Add a couple of biased people and teachers with OCD. You've got a milkshake of pure insanity.'

There is seriously bad mojo hanging around my Alpha company and its really annoying me to the point where my blood pressure is rocketing up. The guys really need to learn to grow up and deal with the rules and regulations that obviously follows you around while we're staying for National Service. I know, we didn't sign up for this. None of us did. So how does that make us girls feel when the guys just purposely screw things up, ruin the marks for our company, just to get some attention?

So Alpha has been dealing with a lot of internal problems. And I've been trying to deal with the biased people that seems to pollute the camp. We have classes in National Service. Last week was the beginning of 'National Class'. A class that teaches us about history and patriotism. Kinda like high school but minus the school desks and chairs. Unfortunately the horrid uniforms remain.

Anyway, we were talking about different languages and my teacher asked us our opinion about a Malaysian citizen suddenly going to London for like, 3 months. Maybe for a course or something along those lines, and comes back to Malaysia speaking English all the time, complete with British accent. Instantly, about a majority of the class became agitated and started yelling stuff about being a traitor and disrespectful to Bahasa Melayu (Malaysia's national language) and all that.
Too be fair, I voiced out and said, "Look. You guys, it depends on whether he or she is faking it. They can't help it if it comes out accidentally. But when they're on purpose trying to speak with an accent just to make themselves look good. Then yeah, it's a negative thing."

They didn't agree with me.

Then my teacher posed another question: What are your opinions if the person went to Egypt instead? Or Japan? And came back speaking Arab or Japanese?

And believe it or not, the responses were suddenly all GOOD.

"It's good that they learned another language."

That was what one of my classmates had said. In Malay of course.

Obviously, this got me feeling like I wanted to put a bullet through their heads.

Honestly, I was so mad, the words just tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop.

"So you guys are saying that English is not a language, then?"

"Why do you want to speak English?" *starts to pretend to be English with accents and actions*

"Hey, hey... You guys are being biased. Okay? BI-ASED. English is still a language, an international language whether or not you like it. What's with all the hate? You guys were going on earlier about how we want to achieve our goal with Wawasan 2020. How we want Malaysia to develop into a great country with educated and successful citizens. So what's the deal? If you know English, you'll get better job opportunities. FACT! I'm not saying it's wrong to know other languages like Arab and Japanese. Actually, that's even better in a sense where you know more languages. The more you know, the bigger the opportunities. Yet, here you all are, judging people because of speaking English with an accent and all that. I studied in Sabah. I was there for two weeks before coming back for term break and I came back speaking with a Sabahian accent. What's the difference? Because it's just an accent, not a language? Hello, there are people in Malaysia who speak English, in case you haven't notice. So TECHNICALLY, if they go to London. And come back speaking with a British accent. It's just an accent. No difference with me going to Sabah and speaking Malay and with Sabahian accent. If you think I'm trying to degrade Bahasa Melayu, or say that I'm a 'traitor'. That I don't respect Malaysia. Let's take a closer look here, Malaysia is known for it's wide diversity of cultures and languages. English is a language. A culture. I'm supporting Malaysia. You lot are the ones that are stuck in the Middle Ages thinking that the East and the West will never mix.

I'm not saying we should follow Westerners completely. But not all Westerners are bad. Take the good and leave the bad. It's the same thing with Easterners. Not all Easterners are terrorists. I know for a fact I'm not one. And I know you guys aren't. So doesn't it hurt when we put a label on something that's larger than ourselves?

Bahasa Melayu is our culture. Our national language. But it doesn't mean it restricts us from learning another language. By learning another language, it doesn't mean that it will make you forget Bahasa Melayu. For God's sake, we have Dewan Bahasa Pustaka. We have Malaya University that uses full Bahasa Melayu. Even now, in camp, I'm talking to you guys in Bahasa Melayu. (Translated for the purpose of my blog)

So what's the big deal? How do you propose for Malaysians to develop into great, successful citizens if you guys are still thinking with a closed mind? We're the next generation. The ones who are going to replace the current government sooner or later. The state of the union is in our hands. Our ex-leaders fought hard to gain some bit of unity and here you guys are, destroying everything."

Then there was pure silence in the classroom save for the fan.

I wanted to laugh and continue to be angry all at the same time. It was hilarious. It added to the humour when all of a sudden, Alpha's second in command for the guys suddenly yelled out, "She's from ALPHA. ALPHA."

Another debater in the class suddenly asked me, "So what about Japan? They're a developed country and they only speak Japanese."

"They don't only speak Japanese. No wait, I don't know that. But alright, hypothetically speaking, if you're statement is correct... I would say that language doesn't really come into the equation when you're talking about the development of a certain country. If the country is destined to be a developed country. If the citizens want it badly and are hardworking enough to get it... It doesn't matter what language you speak. They could speak Russian, German, Malay or even Martian if they want. Language acts as a medium to spread the development. It isn't the backbone of the whole operation."

He grew quiet after that.

I have to admit, with all the stuff that has been going on in Alpha. I really love that particular class. Mostly because there are a fair amount of debaters in it so there a lot of good arguments being thrown about. Hence my disappointment and anger when we were talking about the whole language thing and it turned out like that. I should point out that the debaters in my class. Out of the six of us, two are English debaters (Alpha's Second In Command for the guys and I) and the rest are Bahasa Melayu debaters.

Right. It's nearly 4am now. Sash is sleeping over and we're watching a McFly concert. So I'm off for my sing-along-to-old-McFly-songs now.

G'nite!

This kitten is so right. But there's only one person we all know I ever need a hug from.

(;

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

You and I, We're An Overnight Sensation.

2011-02-05T21:49:00.002+08:00

"They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops and that's true." - Big Fish (2003)

So that means I'm still stuck on the 8th of October 2009?
(;

I love his lopsided smile.

The soft green veins in his arms.
I love the curl in his eyelashes.
The mole near his eye.
I love the way his voice makes me feel like melted butter on a hot summer's sidewalk.
The way he makes my heart beat a drum solo when I catch his eyes.

I love the fact that I can count on him.
The way he comforts and settles me.

Mostly, I love the fact that I've found home.
Right here, with him.
(;

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Now The Runway Lights Are Fading

2011-01-29T23:51:00.006+08:00

Hi people!
Sorry I've been MIA. Well not really, as seen in my previous posts, I did mention I was called for National Service so that's where I've been spending the last month at.
My thoughts about it?

It's Hell on Earth/awesome/challenging/interesting/pure torture all rolled up in one giant Californian roll.

I think I learned a lot about myself there compared to the two years I spent in boarding school. Which is definitely saying something because I thought boarding school really changed my perspective of life. Apparently not. Oh and something totally random, I have more muscles in the last three weeks thanks to nothing but pure physical training and marching compared to the three years I spent learning taekwondo in high school.

O.o

Screwed up?
Very.

But anyway, I think there might be some good in all of this hidden somewhere between the lines. For example, I'm more aware of the kind of person I am. And I've learnt to deal with a lot of situations I normally don't bother about.

But that doesn't mean I can't wait to get out of there.
(;

In regards to getting a bit of my life back before I go back to camp (I'm on leave right now because I had a dentist appointment on Friday to take my braces out), I'm watching the live All Time Low show in New York from STD.

I saw Syauqi and Sash today which totally made my day also. Something to keep me elevated for the next three days that I'll be stuck in camp before NYC holidays.

Oooohhh... I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm on medication right now thanks to the cough epidemic that's breaking out in camp. And somehow, I'm suffering from flu and fever simultaneously. Not fun.

*sighs*

Can't wait for NS to be over.
I just wanna spend time with my family and friends before I'm off to college.

*cue abrupt ending*

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

P/s: Sorry for the awkward ending. The blogging mojo ran out. I promise I'll blog better on Wednesday when I come back for CNY!

Mixed Drinks, Mixed Feelings of Elation.

2011-01-03T02:21:00.007+08:00

Nothing better than a little 'middle of the morning' blog rant to soothe the mind before bedtime. I seriously feel as if my sleeping habits has been screwed over, chewed up and tossed into the blender under 'turbo shred'.
That would probably explain why I'm still up while everyone is sleeping soundly in their beds to wake up all bright eyed and bushy tailed for the first day of school tomorrow (here in Malaysia).
Well besides the fact I can't sleep, its not as if I have a school to go to tomorrow.

The idea that I have actually graduated high school has yet to sink in. Give me a couple more months.
Cheah, right.

Anyway, the main reason I can't sleep is probably the fact that I have so much hoopla in my mind, its crazy. It's worst than a Tasmanian-devil induced mess in there.
I've got to report for National Service on Tuesday.
I can feel the tension in my muscles every time I think about it. I get this funny little belly flop thing in the pit of my stomach and I'm beginning to wonder if that's my intestines Apparting to a whole other world out of fear.
Coward.
I'm having like, lots of mixed feelings for NS.
A part of me is frustrated, there goes my so-called 'break period' the time where I could fully concentrate on writing my novel and doing other stuff like getting my driver's license and working for MPH or something. Angry and saddened because I so wanted to spend my time with Syauqi and what's left of my inner circle of best friends. But I've been ripped away forcefully from them with a court order and the promise of severe court consequences if I fail to turn up this Tuesday for registration.
Scared.
I have no idea what to expect from NS. Nor do I have any perceptions of it. I'm trying to keep an open mind but its really hard.
Then again, I'm excited. It's like a whole other opportunity to meet new people and broaden my horizons. Not to mention all the valuable life lessons I'm bound to learn while clawing my way through the programs.
I was hoping on learning more about myself in the next three months. Make myself aware of my capabilities and weaknesses.
I'm also determined to prove that I'm not an ordinary girl and that I can survive NS.

Hellz yeah.

Then of course there's the whole 'family affair' troubles that have made me somewhat quiet and more reserved. It gave me a whole new perception about respecting one another and true love.

Love, isn't something that you have to keep telling the other person.
It could be done through gestures, or just letting the other person know you're there for them when you're down. Sometimes even that is good enough.

Then the whole 'best friend' thing is driving me up in the insanity wall. I don't know what to do. What to say. What to feel.

Right, right. My words are getting all mixed up and lucid right now. I think that's a sign for me to sleep.

I'll be going to the airport tomorrow to send Baizura off across the pond. I'm so proud of her. I really am. I can't believe this is finally it though.
University.
Wow.
It sounds all big and foreign. Like some sort of exquisite chocolate. The kind that melts into a feathery delight on your tongue and takes forever to slide down your throat as you savor the melted perfection.

Until tomorrow then.
(;

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

The Next Stop Isn't Where You Think It Is

2010-12-31T18:56:00.003+08:00

Hi errrrrbbbboooooodyyyy....!!!
(;

Been a while since I've used that.
Anyway, its that time of year again, the last day of the year where I'll list out all those beloved people and list out the things that I'm thankful for.
Sort of like Thanksgiving if you will.

I'm currently listening to All Time Low's A Party Song (The Walk of Shame). It's become sort of like my theme song right now. Hahaha..

Right, right, right... On with the post!

I think I'd like to start with Sabreena.
I only met you this year but it feels like I have a sort of kinship with you. Hahaha. You are truly one of the fastest friends I've ever made and you charmed me with your 1000 megawatt smile.

Gang Adik-Beradik At Sabah (Along, Tira, Faezah).
We drive each other up the wall. We had our differences and it used to drive us crazy. But deep down, we always sort of depended on one another to always be there. So thanks for everything.

Aisya Amin.
Dear God girl, you are like the kid sister I wish I had. We've been close to each other since we went for Minggu Bahasa at MRSM KKB. You are the girl yang satu kepala with me. I'm gonna miss being able to burst into your room at random moments at MRSM KoKi and start babbling to you about the randomest things. Good luck with SPM 2011 girl. Don't stress yourself too much with all the BWP work and don't forget to sleep. I'll try my best to watch you, Mamat and Sam debate next year.

Aqeel.
We went through a lot together. And I mean, a lot. We've known each other since we were form 2 through MySpace and bonded over the fact that we used to have the same phone (that Nokia Music Xpress 5300). Now you're like the older brother I wish I had (eventhough we're the same age) and you sometimes come up with some of the good advices. Hahaha. Chin up bro, another year is coming full of promises. Your love life will bloom. (;
Good luck with the new Mrs..
Hahaha.

Melissa Koay.
Dad. You stayed true to your promise. You've always been there for me. You were my comfort zone for many, many years. You took care of me whenever I fell down and you were the one that urged me to stay strong when I left for MRSM. You taught me some life lessons that I won't forget. You made me see the stronger side of me that I never knew existed. Thanks Mellie. I miss you.

Sandra Soh.
Sand? There aren't really much words left to say. I ~~wrote~~ poured everything out in the last post there. So that's it.
I miss you, Fae.

Divya Visvanathan.
Mum. Nasi lemak freak. Du Du Bomb. Le Prune. The nick names are endless but you'll always be my best friend. You'd always be the popular girl that I admire. (;
Thanks for always being there for me, the love I have for you runs deep girl.
We'll see each other soon after I come back from National Service. I promise.
I miss you.

Mahirah Farhana.
Ohmygod Myra... I don't know what to say. We've been through so SO much. We had our differences and we had our rough patches. We fought, we laughed, we cried together. You are the most artistically talented girl I know who is damn awesome at Chemistry also. True this year may have been a lonely year for you and I'm sorry for that. But I promise 2011 will bring you more happiness. I'm positive.
I'll see you after NS. Before you go for it. Hahaha.
(:
Cheers mate.

Sash Flint.
SASSSSSHHH.... My most fashion savvy best friend. You're not only awesome in the most haute couture of fashion, you're awesome in photoshop and 'our' fashion stuff too. Hahaha. Thanks for being there for me, to cheer me up and make me laugh when I was going through the crummiest days of my life. You always know how to get me smile.
I'll always love you my rockstar best friend.
2011 will be a new year for new amazing stuff to happen.
Happy Birthday to Sheckler by the way!

Baizura Yusof.
Hey bubbly girl, don't cry. We'll see each other soon. Insya-Allah, kalau ade rezeki, I'll go to UK and see you. Hey, we might even be studying together in UK! I'll miss role playing, but we're in for bigger things in our lives. My only advice is, keep calm, stay cool and don't let anything get in the way of your dreams. When you're feeling down or homesick, you always know where to find me. You have my number..Facebook...And hey, I'm making a Skype account soon to. So we'll Skype kayh? Hahaha.
When the going gets tough there, get things into perspective. Don't follow your feelings too much. Follow your logic and keep a positive outlook. There's always a silver lining, right?
Good luck in UK dear.
I'll miss you.

Mum and Dad.
I don't think you guys read my blog but... Thank you. Thanks for always being there for me. Thanks for showering me with your attention and love. I know 2010 has been a hard year for you guys and maybe things will work out better in 2011. I can only pray for that.
I love you both so much.

And of course not forgetting, my darling...

Syauqi Kusyairi.
Where to begin?
Thanks for always, ALWAYS being there for me. I know that you've sacrificed a lot for our relationship and I can't be more grateful. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world since 19th December 2009. A year has come and gone but I still feel that way. I love you so SO much. And I can assure you nothing's going to change that. I can't wait to begin the rest of my life with you. Can't wait to grow up and grow old with you, by my side. Together.
Forever and always.
I love you handsome boy.
(;

Well that wraps everything up pretty nicely, don't you think?
Thanks to all you readers, the new and the old...
If it wasn't for you guys, there probably wouldn't be a blog.

Another thing about New Years is New Year's Resolutions.
I think of resolutions not as promises...But as a guideline. You don't necessarly have to keep them, but it's a great step up if you do. So here are some of mine.

1. Get my current writing published, officially.
2. Be a better and stronger Muslim.
3. Be positive, stay positive and never lose my Natashaness.

Right. It's dinner time now. Catch you guys beneath the fireworks.
Happy New Year and have a great one. (;

Hello 2011, my name is Natasha Nadiah. I think you and I are going to have a wonderful friendship.

To write love on her arms,
Tash

Blowing kisses to the masses, in this ticker tape parade.

2010-12-28T20:15:00.002+08:00

Port Dickson.
We checked in at an apartment in Corus Paradise Resort and Hotel which have definitely seen better days. But the view from the balcony was amazing. My cousin, Imran, took pictures with the DSRL. Unsure if he even has the pictures still but ohmygod, the sunsets and sunrises were amazing. We could see the tide rising and setting and I had fun talking to the seagulls.
(;

The first day there we were too tired to go anywhere so we stayed in, ate the food my Grandmother made and watched Malaysia versus Indonesia on the TV. I was half-reading the book Syauqi bought for me at the same time half-watching the football match.

Malaysia won.

The next morning, we woke up early and headed down to the beach. It was the first ever time I rode on a banana boat and I only have one thing to comment for those of you who haven't: Hold your breath before you fall off the boat!

The first time we fell off, I was unprepared and when they pulled the boat from under us and I had like seawater up my nose. BURNING PAIN. I wanted to scream but then I'd have seawater in my mouth, so struggling with the pain, I swam back up and climbed back onto the boat. Imran was on adrenalin high while my other cousin, Intan, was worried about the fact that she couldn't climb back onto the boat. The younger kids (my sister and my younger cousins: Elly, Zahra and Harris) were busy trying to touch the waves with their feet.
The second time we fell into the water, I was more prepared. Though we fell into the water in a mix of limbs.
The third time we fell, was funny as Hell because Harris had abandoned ship before the banana boat was pulled from under us and the rest of us were like, "OI!!"
Then they pulled the banana boat from under us.
-.-
I had only like a split second before we crashed into the water.
We were laughing so much, it took a couple of minutes before we could actually swim back to shore only a few meters away.

Then Imran wanted to ride the airhead which naturally caused everyone else wanting to ride it. I had never seen one of these before until that day and I swear to God, I couldn't wait to get on it. Basically, it looks like a huge air-chair with a rope tied to a boat. The boat would speed crazy fast and we'd just be hanging on for our lives on the airhead.
Imran went with Zahra and Harris.
I went with Elly and Intan.
And this was where I sprained every single muscle in my body.
-.-
Intan was unstable on the airhead which made the airhead sort of like tip backwards, which recquired Herculean effort to hang on. My fingers were numb from hanging on so tightly because the airhead was unstable and the fact that the guy was driving the boat at incredible high speed that we were tossed and turned like pancakes on the waves.

I felt like I could barely walk after the whole debacle. But I forced myself to move because we were going out to have seafood that night.
=O
Dinner was a funny and fun affair. I was seated with Imran, Intan and Harris and it had been all laughs and trying not to choke on the green tea.

This is Imran's piece of art. It would be disturbing if it wasn't so cute.
(;

On the last day, we went to another beach but since my limbs weren't functioning well, I spent the day lounging on the beach with my mum, Aunty, Grandma, Grandpa and Intan (who seemed to be even more in pain than me). Hahahaha...

Elly came up to all smiles with a bucket filled with God knows what. Then she said she caught these.

And they're still alive.
o.o

Anyway, Baizura just texted me about a sleepover tomorrow night.
McMarathon?
Yes please!

I think this picture is so sweet.
(;

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

She'd Been Drinkin' Too Much Eggnog.

2010-12-25T16:24:00.003+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS YA'LL!!!!(;

For the last few days, I've been mall-hopping just to see all the beautiful Christmas decorations that we Malaysians decide to dress the center courts in. Trust me, so far I've been loving One Utama's decorations. They have all these quaint little cabins with the chimneys... Mama Claus would've been so proud.

This picture however, was taken at Sunway Pyramid. They have this HUGE snow globe with this Twitter look-alike bird in it. They had this amazing hang-drops from the ceiling that when you looked up, it felt like you were looking up at a magical forest complete with blooming flowers, vines and birds. They had the cabin thing going on as well but it was still amazing. The 'Santa's Workshop' cabin was a nice touch.
I think though, what I love most about the picture is that... My best friends are with me. I mean, it's been so long since I've had a crazy fun day out with them and it had been just plain refreshing to really act like the newly turned seventeen year old that I am.
No worries about college.
No worries about studying.

Anyhoo... The whole theme for my post right now is sort of a Wintry wonderland. Which is probably why I'm overloading this post with loads of pictures. 8)
I am a happy little girl right now and I don't exactly know why. Maybe it was all that retail therapy today. Not forgetting that I have the most amazing boyfriend and friends in the world.
Oh this definitely makes me forget all the boarding school blues that I've been putting up with every time I flew back to Sabah.
Thank God for boyfriends and best friends!

I think Skye looks stunning here. The photo highlights her luscious pink lips set against the paleness of her porcelain skin and her icy blue eyes are just haunting. They remind me of a frosty Christmas down in the moors complete with log cabin and a giant roaring fire. She looks amazing even with just a little mascara and gloss and her spunky attitude is probably the reason why she's my idol.
Gosh, it would be amazing if I had the chance to meet her.

I just love candy canes!
That's the thing I love about Christmas. The fact that there's all these candy canes up for sale, its a Christmas fantasy!
Hahaha..
Anyway, tomorrow this little girl will be crashing the roads and heading to Port Dickson with the family. Not just my family but also my extended family which includes my aunt, uncle and cousins. I think a day at the beach, with the sand between my toes, the sun in my face and my big Gucci sunnies... Its gonna be awesome.
Plus, I love the idea of a roadtrip. Blasting up the songs from the radio and laughing with Mummy. Definitely a great time to unwind.

Speaking of which, I totally need to get a new pair of colourful flip flops. The Roxy ones I've been using have just gone all...blaaah....

Though I can't freaking wait to see Syauqi again. I love hearing his laugh and seeing his smile. It makes me feel like I've won the marathon or something. Being with him makes me feel complete.

(;

Anyhoo... ANTM marathon is calling my name. If I can't splurge any more money on new clothes, at least I can ogle some more gorgeous couture outfits.

Thanks to deviantart.com for the amazing pictures by the way!

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Fae, I Miss You.

2010-12-22T01:39:00.003+08:00

'But you know happiness can be found in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light.' - Albus Dumbledore.

*moves awkwardly and sits beside you*
*smiles*
"Hi, what's your name?"
"Sandra. What's your name?"
"Natasha. I like your name."
"I like yours too."

-*-

"Let's make a comic together. You're marshmallow the strange. And I'll be-..."
"The floating marshmallow!"
"Yeah!"

-*-

*staying up late at night*
"What are you doing?"
"Reading HP fanfiction. You?"
"POTC."
"Should've known."

-*-

*Pn. Ranchani walks by us*
"Wow you both are still friends ah?"
*looks at you with an apprehensive look*
"What was that suppose to mean?"
"I don't know."
"We'll always be friends. No matter what happens."
"Exactly."
*links arms and walks away*

-*-

*drags you away from the DVD shelves
"What?! Nat! What are you doing?"
"Didn't you notice?"
"Notice what?"
"Did you even realize that the store was being raided?"
"Oh. No?"
*looks at you with an incredulous look* *both bursts into laughter*

-*-

*pushes your hand away from holding my hair*
"No Sand, I threw up. Don't... It's gross."
"You're my best friend. Who else is going to hold your hair back?"

-*-

*gives you a silver pewter ring with a Celtic design*
"It's our friendship ring."

-*-

We went through so much together. We've been there for each other for a long time. We watched horror movies together, wrote stories together. We laughed. We cried. We had so much.
I grew up with you in my life, knowing that no other friendship could beat this one. No other friendship could be this true.

We had dreams together. We talked for hours online, on the phone even though we were in the same school.

You are the twin sister I never had. The one I wished I had. You used to know everything about me. We used to share the same dreams. I'm still sitting here, thinking about the time we dreamed to become screen writers for horror movies. How with our imaginations combined, we'd beat every horror movie known including Ju-Onn. We dreamed of going to college together. Living together in the same apartment, with books everywhere and a pet snake.
Yeah, I still remember that.

Hell, I remember how you were in love with POTC so much, I told you I'd buy you a ship one day when I'm rich and call it 'S.S. Mei Ling' just for the irony of it. I remember being jealous of your ability to draw and begging you to teach me how to do it. I remember we used to swoon over John Constantine, and force ourselves to play Constantine in the middle of the night even though it scared us half to death when the demons crept up behind us. Then again, it did give us an excuse to use the cool 180 degrees thing.

I remember the way, we used to be obsessed with Fred Weasley and Tom Felton. Everything was always about Gryffindor and Slytherin. I still have... Your fanfictions in my email inbox. Too bad I forgot the password.

I know that... Ever since I moved to boarding school. Things have changed. I never hoped for it to stay the same (secretly I did) but I never thought that they would be this different. I cried in my prayers the other day, hoping with every will inside of me that our best friendship would survive this 2 year separation. That our best friendship would triumph above distance and growing up.

I still have the hat we made in form 1. It's sitting on my cabinet and I still stare at it, thinking of our younger times together. Our freshmen year in Sri Aman.

This year, I waited for your text message. I know that you wouldn't forget my seventeenth birthday. Not my best friend. I waited and waited and stuck out all hope. You finally did, at 11.59pm on the 26th of November 2010. Because you told me, you wanted to be the last one to wish me on my birthday.
I cried reading your text.

You have no idea, the amount of jealousy I have inside of me. To see that others have been there for you for the last two years... Sara... Poh Lian... While I've been across the sea.
But my jealousy is torn with relief and happiness. Because I never wanted you to be sad while I was away. And I had never been more glad to know that at least while I was gone, there would be somebody else to look after you.

We talked... Sometime in March. You said that our friendship was on 'pause'. So much has happened. The distance is just too much. Too many gaps in our timeline. To many things that are still unsaid.

But don't tell me this is over because I'm not giving up.

I'm not giving up on you Sandra Soh Mei Ling.
You're my best friend.
My twin.

And I love you because of all that.

Please don't throw all this away.
Please.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

And My Clothes Smells Like You

2010-12-21T22:17:00.003+08:00

So like, I've been MIA for the last two days. I turned my room into the 'Chamber of Secrets' complete with sign and giant basilisk (note: pillows sort of joined together) and I've been either curled up sleeping/reading or watching TrueBlood season 3. I know, I know... I should be out in the world doing other things but sometimes, really... I just need some downtime.

I cancelled my medical check up today and postponed it for tomorrow. Really can't be bothered to go to be perfectly honest, but apparently they need some general practitioner to sign the National Service Health forms so off I go to re-take all the tests.
You know that I'm only whining because I think that blood tests are a pain.
Literally.
I mean, when they start to poke that gigantic needle the size of a Slurpee straw it's fiiiiiine... But when they start to take your blood.
Oh Dear God....
Where are the anesthetics?!

For someone so obsessed with vampires, I can't stand having my blood sample taken.
Laugh all you want.
But I still look at the needle drawing up my blood anyway. Sort of cool... In a creepy and sadistic kinda way.

I should really get the kink in my shoulder checked out as well. I get these sharp stabs of pain every time I bend and sit at the computer for too long. If I'm not mistaken, you can actually get paralysed from those kind of things.

Moving on, I can't freaking wait for this Thursday. Gonna gather at Myra's place and do the McFly parody in the morning (oh dear Lord, please let there be no pain when I'm getting hit by the ping pong balls!) and then we're all going to head to Sunway Lagoon. Yay! A day spent with my best friends and getting all random and crazy in an amusement park?
Sweet!
Trust me, the pictures would be to die for. Especially since I got a feeling that Baizura would rather keep her feet on the ground while Sash, Myra and I do some 360 degree on the pirate ship. So at least we know someone can take our picture while we're hanging upside down about three/four-storeys high.

I know that 2010 is coming to an end, but my year-end post is still to come. No worries. I've still got a lot more to write before the 31st of December rolls around bearing a new year with new/old resolutions and of course, lots and lots of changes.
Wow.
This is really happening isn't it?
We're all growing up and going to college next year.
I still can't believe that I'm 17 already. I feel like I'm still going to go to school on the 3rd of January.

Speaking of the 3rd of January, Baizura will be flying off to great Britain on that day and she'll be starting her life there. All I can say is, good luck, take care of yourself and Twitter. Of course, don't forget us little people here at home while you're busy with classes in London. Myra, Sash, Syauqi and I will see you there soon enough. (;
I like to think of it as a season 2 of our lives together.
Same people. Same friendships/relationship. Different country.
Coming soon to E!.
Hahaha.

I've been busy looking for scholarships online. If any of you guys know anyone willing to sponsor me for biotech engineering, my cbox is always free. Or better yet, leave a comment. (;
And ohmygod... I know I've been telling myself this over and over again, but I still haven't started on my manuscript.
Talk about MAJOR writer's block.
I mean, I have been writing. But everything has been.... blaaaah.
Really, if I was a fashion designer, I would definitely stuff all of it in my archives and lock it away.

I need inspiration!
I need new music (no offence to Sum 41, McFly, Blink 182, All Time Low... My usual music mix when I write)!
I need chocolate!
Or maybe I just need my boyfriend and best friends.
A good time generally inspires me.

I guess the fact that I haven't seen Divya, Melissa and Sandra yet is really bothering me.
Ungh.
There will be time.
I just have to hope.

In the mean time, I'm going to look like this cat and relax. I'm not even going to bother to stress myself out. (;

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

Know That All These Words Are True

2010-12-19T00:21:00.004+08:00

Dear Syauqi,

You were there for me when I fell down. You are my knight in shining armour that came to me on his white stallion to whisk me away into the sunset. When I felt like I just couldn't hold on any longer, you gripped my hand tightly and whispered, 'Don't let go.'
You sat and listen to all the random things I had to say and you never once complained.

When I'm with you. I've never felt safer because I know that nothing can hurt me. You won't let it. When I'm with you, I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't have to impress nor do I have to hide. I can just be me. You know me so well, it's like our souls had been halved and placed into two separate bodies.
And you have no idea, how many nights I've spent lying awake on my bed, replaying your words you whispered ever so sweetly to me again and again.

Dear Syauqi,

You make me feel as if I belong in a fairytale, the ones with the magical castle, Pegasus, the beautiful forest and the happily ever after. You make me feel like I'm your punk-rock princess and you are my indie-guitarist prince.

You make me feel like the song 'Skyway Avenue' by We The Kings.
'Hold you through forever,
Won't let you go...'

With help from Allah, you helped me find the right path again, after struggling in darkness for so long. You know every little detail about me and my life and you love me despite all my flaws. I'm dying to explain my heart to you now, but you probably already know what's in it.
You probably know that you've managed to seep into my heart, into the deepest chamber and made a home for yourself there.

Dear Syauqi,

You've taught me so many things about life. About standing on my own two feet and encouraging me to go on whenever I skidded and scraped a knee. You brushed my pain away, held me close and continued to patiently teach me with the patience only a loved one could posses. You've brought an untold happiness into my life. The gift of love with the wonders of your smile.

The sweetest song for me, is the way you whisper 'I love you'.

Dear Syauqi,

There are so much more that I'd like to say. But I can't seem to find the words to describe them anymore.

Dear Syauqi,

This might be kinda obvious. But...

I love YOU

Dear Syauqi,

Happy One Year Anniversary.

To write love on her arms,
Tash.

I'll Write Letters on White Paper, Expressing My Deep Disappointment

2010-12-18T22:12:00.005+08:00

Today was fun.
Met Sabreena finally after hearing lots about her from Syauqi (he's one proud pet brother).
She is one big ball of bubbliness and it was so fun just to listen to her and Syauqi 'argue' about the randomest things.
The Christmas decorations at Times Square were a let down however. Hence, no pictures (besides the fact that I was too lazy to whip out my under-charged digital camera).

On the other hand, there's just something I need to get off my chest.
It's kinda... Annoying really. Because it really dampened the great day I had.
Like what I had mentioned in my Facebook status, ' Last time, you guys used to say to me. "It's okay Tash. When you come back after spm, we'll meet up, catch up and have a blast."
Well, now it's AFTER spm. And still nothing.
I'm going on the 4th. I don't bother counting down the days because I live for today. Only God knows if I'll live or die tomorrow.
Thank God for Syauqi.
Maybe it's just another story with you guys.'

I just. I don't know. Maybe it's my fault. I put my best friends on a pedestal. I talk highly of them. Always hanging on to their every word. Always running after them and always fighting with myself just so I don't hurt their feelings.
Then now, this voice in my head starts to talk. Starts wondering if everything I've done... Actually meant something to them.
Yeah, some people would say that friendship is always about honesty. We do something because we care for that person, and to not expect anything in return.

Then again, I want them to care about me too.
How is it that I can still hope, even though I'm all the way in Sabah?
How is it that I can still be loyal, that I can still have the readiness to lay down my life for them...
Question is now: Would they do the same for me?

Since I came home. The only people who truly made me feel like they need me is Syauqi, Myra and Sash.
What happened to the others?

You want to know what hurts me the most?
I actually cried in Sabah. I cried because I missed you guys so much. I cried because all I wanted was to be with you guys.
And yet...
Nothing.

I can't begin to explain... How hurt I feel.
Because I can't remember the number of times I daydreamed of this moment. The days after spm. When we're finally allowed to act like teenagers.
To spend time with them.
To laugh and be carefree.

I'm happy that I have Syauqi. And I've never been more grateful.
He's the warm light in the cold darkness I seem to be lost in right now.

Right. I need to get out of this state of mind.
I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling weak.
GAH...
I think I'm going to go lose myself in my writing.
Or go watch TV.

Although... On a happier note, tomorrow is the big anniversary. And I can't freaking wait.
I can't believe it's been one year since Syauqi and I first got together. It feel like it's only been a couple of weeks.

I still can't figure out how I got so lucky to get someone like him. We might have our imperfections but we complete each other and that what makes it perfect.
(;

To sum it up. Syauqi is amazing.
And I love him so much.

"AARGGGHHH!!! The LIGHT!! It buuuurrnnnsss..."

Heh. Bet that made you smile.
I sure did (and it feels so good).
(;

To write love on her arms,
Tash